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Anyone Else Up There?
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	3 scouts
Preparation:	Largest scout stands center stage with arms raised like a tree.
Script:	Scout enters stage, pretending to drive a car real fast - swerves around, drives over a cliff, falling, falling, ... and then jumps onto the tree and hangs on tight. Scout : Oh no, my car is totaled 500 feet down there in that canyon. I was sure lucky this tree was growing out of the side of the cliff. The road isn't too far up there. But, there's no way I can climb that cliff. Scout : Man, my arms are getting tired. (squirm on the tree) Scout : Help! Heeeelp! Is anyone up there? Scout : Help! Heeeelp! Is anyone up there? My arms are killing me. (squirm around on the tree) Deep Offstage Voice: I am here. I am God and I will help you. Scout : Cool! What are you going to do? I can't hold on much longer. God: Let go of the tree. Scout : What?!? I'll fall 500 feet and splatter all over the rocks. God: Do you believe in me? Scout : Well, sure. God: Then you have nothing to fear. Let go of the tree and I will save you. (pause) Scout : Is anyone ELSE up there?

Art or Not
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	at least 3 scouts
Script:	(Two scouts walk onstage together, gazing around at imaginary paintings) Scout #1: What a terrific art show this year! Scout #2: Yes, the quality of the paintings is simply magnificent! Scout #1: It will be so difficult to judge the winner. But, I do like this one here. Scout #2: I agree, it is wonderful. But, see this one? It's at least as impressive. (they can go on admiring indiviudal paintings, or have more scouts in the conversation) Scout #1: Oh My! LOOK AT THIS! Scout #2: (gasping for breath) Astounding! Amazing! So vivid! Scout #1: This is OBVIOUSLY the winner, no doubt about it. Scout #2: Absolutely! None compare to this masterpiece. (scout #3 comes up behind them and points at the painting) Scout #3: Hey, that's mine! Scout #1: You are the most brilliant painter ever! Scout #2: A painter like you has never been seen before! Scout #3: What? I'm no painter. I'm the janitor and that's the rag I use to clean the floor after all the artists finish painting for the day. Now, give it back! (tears it off the wall and walks away)

At The Movies
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	5 scouts 1 girl (or boy acting) 6 chairs a small bag a cup a ring (or pretend)
Preparation:	set the chairs in a row facing the audience. 4 scouts sit down leaving the two end chairs open.
Script:	Scene: A full movie theater. A boy and his girlfriend are going to the movies, but there are only two seats left. Scout 1: Well, I guess I'll have to sit over here and you can sit there. (they sit down) Scout 1: (after a pause, leans over to scout next to him and hands him the bag) Psst, ask her if she wants some popcorn. (Each scout passes the request down the line) Girl: Oh, yes please. (takes the bag from last scout) Scout 1: Psst, ask her if she wants some pop. (hands cup down the line.) Girl: Oh, yes please. (takes cup from last scout) Scout 1: Psst, ask her if she'll marry me. (hands ring down the line.) Girl: Oh, yes please. (runs off stage holding hands with the last scout)

Banana Bandana
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	a bandana a banana
Notes:	The whole skit has a premise of mistaking 'banana' for 'bandana'.
Script:	magician: Hello, everyone! Welcome to the Great Mystero's Amazing Magical Bonanza! For my first trick, I need a volunteer to help me make a bandana disappear. (looking around, choose a planted 'volunteer' that has a banana inside their shirt or pocket) The volunteer walks up onstage. magician: Thank you for helping me. For this trick, you can not watch me so let's stand back to back. magician: Now, you will need a bandana for this trick - do you have one or do you need to borrow one of mine? volunteer: (reaching in his shirt and pulling out a banana and holding it high for the audience to see) No, I brought my own. I'm ready! magician: (open bandana and wave it around) OK, first of all, open your bandana. volunteer: (peels banana) OK, it's open. magician: OK, now, fold it. volunteer: (folds banana in half) OK. magician: Now, fold it again. volunteer: Again? magician: Yes, again! volunteer: (folds banana again) OK. magician: Now, twist the banana as tightly as you can. volunteer: (twists banana into mush squeezing out between fingers) OK. magician: (holding hand out to the side toward the audience) OK, now slap the bandana into my open hand and it will disappear! volunteer: Gladly! (squashes the banana into the magician's hand and then walks offstage) Now the magician can look disgusted at the banana or as a better ending, sticking to the saying 'The Show Must Go On', can shove the banana mush into his mouth, show the empty hand that it is gone, and take a deep bow!

Be Prepared
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts airhorn or siren or even trashcan lids to make a startling loud noise.
Preparation:	have one scout in the back of the audience by the last part of the skit.
Notes:	This skit fills in between other skits. You need to arrange it with the program leader so he does not announce it as a skit and understands how it works.
Script:	First scout seriously walks to center stage, makes the scout sign and waits for silence. When it is fairly quiet, loudly proclaims "Be Prepared!" and then walks offstage. Another skit or announcement or song. Second scout walks to center stage, raises scout sign and waits for silence. When quiet, proclaims "Be Prepared!" and walks off. Another skit. Third scout does the same thing. Another skit. All three scouts walk center stage and hold up the sign. The fourth scout needs to be in back of audience ready to make noise. When the scouts lower their signs, the one in back blows the horn hopefully startling the audience. All three scouts say, "We told you to BE PREPARED!"

Bear Attack
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 or more scouts
Script:	2 scouts are camping out, but only have a one-man tent. They argue about who should sleep inside and finally one winds up laying down 'inside' and the other 'outside'. They fall asleep. A group (2 or 3 scouts) of bears, thugs, or trolls wander by and see the sleeping scout. They rush up and beat on the scout for a couple seconds and then run off stage. The scout gets up, hobbles to the buddy, explains he was just attacked, and pleads to change places. The other scout won't switch and tells the first to go back to sleep. Once settled down, the bears come back and beat on the scout again. Again, he pleads with buddy to trade. This time, the buddy agrees to switch places. (Can repeat once more if its going well.) After they settle down, the bears come back again. Just as they are going to start beating on the scout outside, one stops and says 'Hey, we've beat this one up enough - let's get the one in the tent!'

Bear Warning System
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	5 to 8 victims (audience volunteers)
Script:	Have everyone stand in line, shoulder touching shoulder. Explain that we are going to complete the new Bear Warning training. Tell everyone we need to crouch down so the bears can't see us so good. Everyone should be crouching on their heels. Leader takes his place to the far left of the line. Leader: "Thar's a Bar!" Then, the leader tells the guy next to him to say, "Whar?" Guy A: "Whar?" Leader: "Over Thar!" (and points to the right with his left arm) Leader: OK, now you need to pass the warning down the line. Go ahead. A: "Thar's a Bar!" B: "Whar?" A: "Over Thar!" (and points to the right with his left arm) B: "Thar's a Bar!" C: "Whar?" B: "Over Thar!" (and points to the right with his left arm) ... and so on to the end. Everyone keeps their left arm extended. Repeat the sequence, pointing to the left with the right arm. Repeat again, pointing to the right with their left leg. Make sure they stick their leg far out - this is the important part. For the final time, Leader: "Thar's a Bar!" A: "Whar?" Leader: "Over Thar!" (and pushes his shoulder into Guy A which should cause a domino effect of everyone falling down the line.)

Best PickPocket
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	miscellaneous items such as pocketknife, keys, book wallet underwear
Script:	Scout #1: I'm the best pickpocket ever. Scout #2: No way, I'm way better than you. Scout #1: Oh yeah, let's have a contest to find out. Scout #2: OK, you start over there and I'll be over here. We'll walk past each other and see who's best. They go to opposite sides of the stage, then walk past each other very closely, brushing sholders and say "Hi" as they pass. Scout #1: (takes a pocketknife from pocket) Ha! I got your new pocketknife! Scout #2: So what. I got your keys. (shows keys) Scout #1: OK, let's go again. They repeat, and each show what they took - a book, comb, picture of friend, ... Scout #1: OK, one last time for all the marbles! They pass once more. Scout #1: Hey, look at this. I got your whole wallet and look at all this money! Scout #2: Wow, that was good. I guess you'd be the winner... if I hadn't got your underwear! (waves shorts overhead as they run offstage)

Bicycle Shop
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	5 scouts 1 unsuspecting audience member
Script:	Three scouts lined up on their hands and knees, in a row, as bicycles. Shop Owner: Well, there we are, three brand new bicycles all set up for sale. Customer: I'd like to buy a bicycle. Shop Owner: Certainly, go ahead and find one you like. (Customer sits on the first bike and the bicycle's arms give out, falling down. Customer tries the next which is too big and the third is too small.) Customer: I sure like the first one, can I try it again? Shop Owner: Just a second. (Setting up bike again) There you are, it's all set up again. (Customer sits on it, and again it falls down.) Customer: I don't know. I really like this one but it keeps falling down. I'm afraid it's not made well enough. Shop Owner: Our bicycles are all very well made. It was just assembled this morning, but it seems to have a loose wheel. Let me get some help. (The unsuspecting volunteer is chosen from the audience, who is instructed to hold one 'wheel' of the now upright bicycle - place his hand on the bicycle's elbow.) Customer: (Sitting on the bike) That's perfect now. What was the problem? Shop Owner: Oh, we just needed a big nut to hold it together !

Blind Horse
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	3 scouts - one big enough to carry another
Notes:	the biggest scout is the horse so the smaller scout can ride.
Script:	(scout #1 is walking the horse across the stage. scout #2 is going the other way and sees them.) Scout #2: Wow! (scout and horse stop.) Sir, that horse is beautiful! It's lines are perfect. It looks wonderful! I would like to buy it from you! Scout #1: Why you wanna buy my horse? She no looka so good. Scout #2: Ha! That is the best looking horse I've ever seen! I'll give you $500 for it! Scout #1: But, meester, my horse no looka so good. Scout #2: You are a shrewd bargainer, sir. I will give you $1000 for that horse - right here, right now! Scout #1: Hokay. (scout #2 gives the money, gets on the horse, and rides off while scout #1 counts the money.) (the horse runs into a tree, chair, podium, whatever and the rider falls off. The rider then walks the horse back to scout #1) Scout #2: Hey, wait a minute! You sold me a blind horse! Scout #2: Yes, sir. Like I told you - My horse no looka so good!

Blindfolds
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	blindfold for each volunteer a prize for each volunteer
Script:	Ask for four or five volunteers - new scouts that have never seen the skit are needed. Show them only one of the prizes and say that one scout will win it - a candybar, trinket, whatever. Blindfold each person. Tell them this test has been used for years to determine the bravest, smartest, and toughest new members of the group. Tell them the rules are simple: no talking allowed from this point on. if you give up, just sit down where you are. the winner is the last person left standing. Tell them to remove one thing they are wearing and toss it on the ground. As soon as someone removes their blindfold, give that person a prize and silently tell them to sit. Those that don't think to remove the blindfold will remove an item of clothing. Continue to tell them to remove something else until there is one scout left, or until someone looks like they may start to remove something indecent. If that happens, then tell everyone to stop. Tell them to remove their blindfolds and give everyone that participated a prize. See Guess My Line skit.

Brains for Sale
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	AAA, BBB, and CCC are three scouts or groups of scouts, with CCC being the one you are kidding. For example, Freshmen, Juniors, and Seniors. Or, Boys, Girls, and Adult Leaders. Or, Patrol 1, Patrol 2, Patrol 3. Scout 1: Brains for Sale! Brains for Sale! Scout 2: Hey, I need some brains. How much are those there? (pointing) Scout 1: Let's see... This is a jar of [AAA] brains - that's $20/pound. Scout 2: No thanks, how about those? Scout 1: Hmmm, ... $30/pound. Those are [BBB, ...] brains. That's a good buy! Scout 2: Well, do you have any others? Scout 1: (look under counter) Ah-ha! Here's a small jar of some very special brains. But, they're $50,000/pound! Scout 2: $50,000!!!! Why so much? Scout 1: These are [CCC] brains - do you have any idea how many [CCC] it takes to fill a small jar like this?!!

Brains for Sale - Version 2
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	AAA, BBB, and CCC are three scouts or groups of scouts, with CCC being the one you are kidding. For example, Freshmen, Juniors, and Seniors. Or, Boys, Girls, and Adult Leaders. Or, Patrol 1, Patrol 2, Patrol 3. Scout 1: Brains for Sale! Brains for Sale! Scout 2: Hey, I need a brain. How much is that one? (pointing) Scout 1: Let's see... This is a [AAA] brain - that's $20. Scout 2: No thanks, how about that one? Scout 1: Hmmm, ... $30. That's a [BBB] brain. That's a good buy! Scout 2: Well, do you have any others? Scout 1: (look under counter) Ah-ha! Here's a very special brain. But, it's $50,000! Scout 2: $50,000!!!! Why so much? Scout 1: That's a [CCC] brain - brand new, never been used!

Branch Manager
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	3 scouts A large tree branch with leaves A poster board and Marker
Preparation:	Write _"fill in the blank"__ Bank on the poster board large enough for the audience to see.
Script:	Scout #1 stands center stage holding the branch. Scout #2 stands next to him holding up the sign. Scout #3 walks up to Scout #1. Scout #3: Hello! Scout #1: Hi, welcome to our bank. Scout #3: Thanks, but who are you? Scout #3: Why, I'm the BRANCH manager of course!

Broken Finger
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	Scout #1: Hey, Johnny, you're good with first aid. I need your help. Scout #2: OK, what's the problem? Scout #1: When I touch my forehead with my finger, it really hurts. When I push on my jaw, it's also painful. When I press on my stomach, I almost cry. What can it be? (does each thing as he says them, always pushing with the tip of the same finger) (Scout #2 looks in his ears, listens to his heart, has him open his mouth, ...) Scout #2: Man, I don't know. You'd better go see the doctor right away. Scout #1: OK, I'll be right back. (Scout #1 runs offstage and returns right back.) Scout #2: So, what did the doctor say? What's wrong with you? Scout #1: He says I have a broken finger.

Brown Pants
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts
Preparation:	1 scout is Captain. 1 scout is lookout. 1 is Captain's galley boy. The rest are men-at-arms ready to fire cannons.
Script:	Scouts are on a ship at war cruising the sea looking for enemy. Lookout: Ahoy, Cap'n! Enemy ships off the starboard bow. Captain: How many? Lookout: 2 ships, Cap'n. Captain: Boy, bring me my red jacket so the men won't see my blood if I'm wounded! (hands him his imaginary jacket which he puts on.) Captain: Fire the cannons! (scouts make cannon noises) Lookout: Woo-hoo! We sunk them both! (captain takes off his jacket and hands it back to the boy) Lookout: Ahoy, Cap'n! Enemy ships off the port bow. Captain: How many? Lookout: 5 ships, Cap'n. Captain: Boy, bring me my red jacket so the men won't see my blood if I'm wounded! (hands him his imaginary jacket which he puts on.) Captain: Fire the cannons! (scouts make cannon noises) Lookout: Woo-hoo! We sunk them all! (captain takes off his jacket and hands it back to the boy) Lookout: Ahoy, Cap'n! Enemy ships off the port stern. Captain: How many? Lookout: 40 ships, Cap'n! Captain: Boy, bring me my BROWN PANTS!

Brownie Pudding
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	A trash can, bowl or paper bag. Sheet of paper with scribbling on it. Brownies(optional)
Notes:	This skit can be made even more gross by adding elements such as actually putting pudding into the bag or other container and then having last scout smear it on his face as he eats it. You can use more or less scouts.
Script:	Scout 1: I've been watching the food network lately, I have been inspired to cook. Scout 2: Oh no, last time I tried your cooking I got sick. Scout 1: I've gotten much better, I'll prove it. taste these brownies that I made. Scout 2: (tastes brownie, throws up in bag, runs away) Scout 3: What's up with him? Scout 1: Nothing, want a brownie. Scout 3: Sure. (tastes brownie, throws up in bag, runs away) Scout 4: What happened to him? Scout 1: He's, uh, fine. Taste a brownie. Scout 4: Sure. (tastes brownie, throws up in bag, runs away) Scout 1: I give up, I guess I wasn't meant to be a chef! (walks or runs away) Scout 5: (walks in, sees sickness bag, looks at it, digs in) Mmmmmm, warm Brownie Pudding!

Brushing Teeth
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts toothbrushes for each 2 cups
Preparation:	Scout #1 has water in his cup. Last scout has a mouth full of water.
Notes:	This is like the Earwashing Skit
Script:	Scouts stand shoulder to shoulder facing audience, each with a toothbrush ready. Scout #1 on the left, Last scout on the right. #1 and Last each have a paper cup. Scout #1: On our last outing, our leader taught us how to keep our teeth clean AND conserve water. We're going to teach you so we can all help conserve water. Scout #1 takes a drink of water from his cup and brushes his teeth. He swishes the water around, then leans over to the next scout and pretends to spit it into his ear. He then says, 'Aaaaah, refreshing!' or some such thing. Next scout brushes, swishes, and spits. Continue on down the line to the last scout. The last scout (with a mouthful of water) brushes, swishes, and then spits a stream of water into his cup or out on the ground if outside.

Bubblegum
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts chair
Script:	Scout walks onstage, sits down while pretending to chew gum. He takes his pretend gum out of his mouth, sticks it to the back of the chair, then walks off. Next scout jogs onstage looking tired. He leans on the back of the chair with his hands and finds the gum on his hand. With a disgusted look, he wipes it off his hand onto the chair seat. Next scout comes out and sits on the chair. After a few seconds, he tries to get up and notices the gum has him stuck. He peels it off and throws it on the ground. (have as many scouts as you want come by and encounter the gum. A dog pees on it, a car drives over it, an old man's can gets stuck in it, ... ) Last scout walks across and steps on the gum, getting his foot stuck. He peels it off and, being a nice guy not wanting anyone else to step in it, sticks it to the back of the chair. First scout comes back on, sits down, reaches back and finds his gum still there. He pops it in his mouth, starts chewing and walks offstage.

Bully Be Gone
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	3 scouts - small, large, and narrator
Script:	(Small scout enters stage left while Bully enters stage right and meet center stage.) Bully: Hey, kid! Give me all your money! Scout : No! (Bully hits him and he falls, kicks him, then bends down and takes his money. Then, bully runs offstage.) (scout gets up and brushes himself off while narrator speaks.) Narrator: Have you been bullied? (scout nods) Picked on? (scout nods) Mugged? (scout nods) Well, then you need Bully Be Gone - the new invisible Wall In A Can. The best defense against bullies. Scout : Yeah! I gotta get me some of that. (and runs offstage opposite the bully.) (scout and bully enter stage from opposite sides again. Scout is holding imaginary spray can and reading the label.) Bully: Hey, kid. It's a new day, and a new beating for you if you don't give me your money right now. Scout : No! (and sprays can in back and forth motion like spraying a wall.) Bully: OK, you asked for it! (and throws punch but it hits the wall) OW! My Hand! (bully kicks at scout ) OW! My Foot! (scout pushes against invisible wall and it falls on bully, pinning him flat.) OW! I give up! (scout reaches into his pocket and takes back his money and walks offstage.)

Can of Cola
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	one can of cola one stool
Script:	First scout brings in a stool, puts it down, leaves. Next scout brings in a can of cola, puts it on the stool, leaves. Next scout opens the can of cola, puts it back on the stool, leaves. Next scout drinks the whole can of cola, leaves. Next scout takes the can, leaves. Next scout takes the stool, leaves. Next scout comes in, does a really long burp, leaves.

Can't Work in the Dark
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 or more scouts
Script:	All scouts are center stage digging with shovels, raking, whatever manual labor they want. One scout just stands there with his arm raised straight as if he were holding a torch in his hand. (Boss walks onstage to survey the work being done. He sees the one guy not working and walks up to him.) Boss: I'm paying you to work, not to just stand around. Why aren't you working? Scout #1: I'm a lightbulb! Boss: Get to work! When I come back, if you aren't working, you're fired! (boss leaves and everyone continues to do the same things. Then, boss returns and sees scout still not working.) Boss: That's it! You're fired! Get out! (scout drops his arm and dejectedly exits stage. As soon as he drops his arm, the rest look around, stop working, and start to leave.) Boss: Hey, why are you guys leaving? Get back to work! Scout #2: How? We can't work in the dark!

Cancer Operation
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts, a tin can, knife, spoon, monkey wrench, tweezers, other items that you might want to ad-lib. a table is helpful, a sheet is a good addition
Script:	One scout is the patient laying on a table or on the floor. Drape the sheet over him as if he is ready for an operation. He needs to have the tin can hidden at his side away from the audience. One scout, the Doctor, walks in with his hands held up as if he's just scrubbed for surgery. The other carries in all the tools. They lean over the patient. Doctor: Is this the patient, sir? Nurse: Yes, sir. Doctor: Hmmmmmm, looks pretty bad. Nurse: Can you save him, sir? Doctor: Well, sir, I don't know. It'll be tough. Nurse: What does he have, sir? Doctor: It looks like a terrible cancer there, but I think we can do it. Knife! Nurse: Knife, sir. Doctor: Spoon! Nurse: Spoon, sir. Doctor: Oops, that's the liver. Nurse: There's the bowels, sir. Pee-uuu! Doctor: Yes, sir. Those sure smell. Aha, I've found the cancer. Monkey wrench! Nurse: Monkey wrench, sir. Doctor: Tweezers! Nurse: Tweezers, sir. Doctor: There, I've removed the cancer. Nurse: Congratulations, sir. But, what should I do with the can, sir? (while holding up a tin can)

Chainsaw
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	Clerk: Another beautiful day here in the north woods. This new shipment of chainsaws sure look nice. It should be no problem selling them. Lumberjack: Morning! Clerk: Hello there. What can I do for you? Lumberjack: Well, I've been cutting so much wood, my old crosscut saw is pretty much worn out. I need a new saw. Clerk: Oh, this is your lucky day! This chain saw will let you cut twice as much wood as your old crosscut. And, it's only $100. Lumberjack: Sounds like a good deal. Here you go. (hands over money and takes saw) (the next day) Clerk: Well, another beautiful day here in the north woods. Lumberjack: Hey! I think there's something wrong with this saw. I worked twice as hard yesterday but only got half as much wood cut as I did with my old saw. Clerk: Hmmm, that doesn't sound right. Here, let me put a new chain on it and you can try it again. Lumberjack: Alright, but if it doesn't work any better, I'll be back tomorrow. (the next day) Clerk: Well, another beautiful day here in the north woods. Lumberjack: I give up! This saw is just no good. It's too heavy and I'm just not getting enough wood cut. I want my money back. Clerk: I'm sorry to hear that. Do you mind if I just check it out first? Lumberjack: Sure, here. (hands him the saw) (Clerk pulls the starter rope and then makes loud motor noises.) Lumberjack: My gosh! What in the world is all that noise?

Chicken Farmer
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts
Preparation:	One scout stage left - the chicken hatchery owner Rest of scouts stage right - pretending to all be in a big truck. The driver is a chicken farmer and the rest are his men.
Script:	Hatcheryman: (reading a newspaper) Alright! Price of chicken has gone up again. I expect I'll be selling lots of these chicks from my hatchery. (truck drives up and stops a ways away. Driver walks over to hatcheryman.) Chicken Farmer: Howdy, there. Is this Chattanooga Charlie's Chicken Hatchery? Hatcheryman: Sure is, and I'm Charlie. What can I do for ya? Chicken Farmer: Well, I've been farming beets and spuds for the past 10 years and just haven't been making any money. I read that chicken prices are going up so I'm gonna start farming chickens instead. I need me 10 dozen chicks to get started. Hatcheryman: Great, that'll be $100. Have your men load em up from right here. (points behind him to imaginary boxes.) Chicken Farmer: OK, men - load em up! (other scouts scurry back and forth loading the truck. When they are done, the chicken farmer and men all drive away back offstage.) Hatcheryman: (reading the newspaper.) Well, what's that I see coming down the road? Hey, its that new Chicken Farmer's truck. It's only been a week since he was here, I wonder what he wants? Chicken Farmer: Howdy, Charlie. I need another 10 dozen chicks. Hatcheryman: Well, you got in the business at the right time. Prices keep going up. That'll be $120 this time. Chicken Farmer: (pays hatcheryman) OK, load em up. (men load up the truck again and they drive off.) Hatcheryman: (reading the newspaper.) Well, looky there! That Chicken Farmer's back. Now what? Chicken Farmer: Howdy, Charlie. I need another 10 dozen chicks. Hatcheryman: Man, you must have a pretty good size chicken farm going now. That's a lot of chicks. Chicken Farmer: Well, I'm not too sure yet. I think I'm either planting them too deep or too close together 'cause they just aren't growing too fast.

Chory of Stinderella or Rindercella
Intended for:	All Scouts
Notes:	This is just a monologue that is funny to listen to if it is memorized. There are many versions, and here are two of them.
Script:	Archie Campbell on HeeHaw - watch it Once apon a time, in a coreign fountry, there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now, Rindercella lived with her mugly other and two sad bisters. Also in this same coreign fountry, there was a very prandsome hince. Now this prandsome hince was going to have a bancy fall. And he invited the people from riles amound, especially the pich reople. Now Rindercella's mugly other and her two sad blisters, they went out to buy some drancy fesses to wear to this bancy fall. But Rindercella couldn't go because all she had to wear were some old rirty dags. So, finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go, so she just cat down and shried. And she was kitten there shrien, when all at once there appeared before her, her gairy mudfather. And he touched her with his wagic mand ... and there appeared before her, a cig boach and hix white sorses to take her to the bancy fall. But he said, "Now, Rindercella, you be sure and be home before nidmight, or I'll purn you into a tumpkin!" When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, this prandsome hince met her at the door because he had been watchin' all this time behind a wooden hindow. And Rindercella and the prandsome hince nanced all dight. And they lell in fove. And all at once, the mid clock struck night. And Rindercella staced down the rairs, and just as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper! So, the next day this prandsome hince went all over this coreign fountry looking for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. Finally he came to Rindercella's house. Well, he tried it on her mugly other and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on her two sigly usters and it fidn't dit. Then he tried it on Rindercella and it fid dit. It was exactly the sight rize! So they got married and lived heverly after hapwards. Now, the storal of the mory is this: If you go to a bancy fall and you want to have a pransome hince loll in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper! Another version... Once upon a time, in a coreign funtry, there lived a geautiful birl, and her rame was Ninderella. Linderella cived with her mugly other and her two sad blisters. In that same coreign funtry, there also lived a very prandsome hince, called Chince Parming. Chince Parming was going to have a bancy fall, and he'd invited all the people for riles amound, especially the pich reople. Now Cinderella's mugly other and her two sad blisters went out and bought some drancy fesses to bear to the wancy fall. Rindercella wasn't allowed to go, so all she had to wear were wome rirty old dags. Finally the bight of the nancy fall came, and the mugly other and the two sad blisters rode off in a cancy foach drawn by bour forces. Cinderella couldn't go, so she just cat down and scried. As she was kitten there scrying, her gairy fodgather appeared! He touched her with his wagic mand, and she was instantly dressed in a geautiful bown of ghite and wold, with matching slass glippers! A kig boach and hix white sorses appeared to bake her to the tall. But the father godfairy warned her to be mome by hidnight, or the diss would resappear and the coach would purn into a tumpkin. When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall, Chince Parming met her at the door, for he had been watching from a widden hindow. Pinderella and the handsome chince nanced all dight, until nidmight, and they lell in fove. Suddenly, the clock mid strucknight! Cinderella slaced down the rairs and ran away. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her glass dripper. The dext nay, Chince Parming went all over that coreign funtry, searching for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper, for he was fuch in move and fad to hind her. After a song learch, he came to Hinderella's souse. He tried the slass glipper on the mugly other, but it fidin't dit. He tried the slass glipper on the sin thigly uster, but it fidin't dit. He tried the slass glipper on the sat ugly fister, but it fidin't dit. Tinally, he tried the slass glipper on Cinderella, and it fid dit; it was exactly the sight rize. So Chince Parming and Cinderella were married and they hived lappily after everwards. Now the storal of this mory is: if you ever go to a bancy fall and want a prandsome hince to lall in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper.

Clean Silverware
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 to 10 scouts. Some spoons, forks, and knives and bowls.
Preparation:	1 scout is the Cook. 2 scouts are dogs crawling around his feet. The rest are scouts coming to dinner.
Script:	(scouts are spread out across stage doing things while the cook is stirring pots with his two dogs crawling around on the ground.) Cook: Come and Get It! (all the other scouts come running and line up in front of the cook to receive silverware and bowls of food.) Scout #1: (when handed silverware) Wow! This spoon is sure clean for being out camping. How do you get them so clean? Cook: Soapsuds and Scrubpad. (cook hands him his bowl of food) Scout #2: (when handed silverware) Wow! This fork is sure clean for being out camping. How do you get them so clean? Cook: Soapsuds and Scrubpad. (cook hands him his bowl of food) (repeat for each scout. When the last scout gets his, the first scout just finishes his meal and brings his dirty dishes back.) Scout #1: Thanks, Cookie. Cook: (whistles and bends down with dishes to the ground offering them to the 2 dogs.) Here, Soapsuds! Here, Scrubpad! (the dogs run over and start licking the bowl while the other scouts watch and get sick.) (optional) Cook: Always do your OWN dishes at camp!

Clean Socks
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 scouts a pile of socks
Script:	Scout #1: (could be a leader instead) Hey, everybody! Our new socks have arrived! Come and get 'em! [other scouts run onstage and line up to receive socks.] Scout #1: OK, Johnny, how many socks do you need? Scout #2: I need 2 pair. Scout #1: Just two? Scout #2: Yes, I wear one pair for a week while the other pair is in the dirty wash. Scout #1: Yuch! Oh well, here you go. Scout #3: I need 4 pair. Scout #1: Why 4 pair? Scout #3: I put on a fresh pair on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. Scout #1: Well, that's better than wearing them a whole week. Here you go. Scout #4: I need 7 pair. Scout #1: Great. I bet that's a fresh pair every day, right? [gives the socks] Scout #4: Right! Scout #1: That's what I like. A clean scout! Here you go. Scout #5: 12 pair please! Scout #1: 12!? Man, you must really be clean. Why 12 pair? Scout #5: Well, there's January, February, March, ...

Climbing Lightbeam
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	flashlight
Script:	Scout #1: I can climb anything! Scout #2: Can you climb that tree over there? Scout #1: Simple. No challenge. I'm the best. Scout #2: How about that cliff face? Scout #1: Already did it, up and down. Scout #2: How about the Eiffel Tower? Scout #1: Been there, done that, had french fries at the top. There's nothing I can't climb. Scout #2: Mount Everest? Scout #1: Yep, that took a whole day since there was a raging blizzard. I told you I can climb anything. Scout #2: I bet you 10 dollars I can show you something you can't climb. Scout #1: Yeah, right. It's a bet. Scout #2: (takes out a flashlight and shines it straight up into the air over the audience.) Scout #1: Are you crazy? There's no way I'm climbing that! Scout #2: Ha! I knew it. You can't climb it. Now, pay up! Scout #1: I CAN climb it. But, I'm not stupid. You'd turn off the light when I'm halfway up!

Clock Inspection
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	At least 5 scouts, but more if they want bit parts. One scout is the Clock Inspector with a German accent. One scout is the Clock Keeper. The rest are lined up in a row as clocks. Inspector: It is time to inspect your clocks. Keeper: OK, right this way please. (they walk up to first clock in line and the keeper winds it up.) Clock #1: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock. Inspector: (making mark in his inspection sheet) Very good. (they walk up to next clock in line and the keeper winds it up.) Clock #2: Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock. Inspector: (making mark in his inspection sheet) Very good. (they walk up to next clock in line and the keeper winds it up. Continue for all the clocks except last one.) (wind up last clock.) Last Clock: Tick ___ Tick ___ Tick Inspector: (grabs clock and hauls it away) Vee haf vays of making you Tock!

Clothes from Eddie Bauer
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 to 9 scouts
Script:	One scout stands center stage, passing the time. As each scout walks past from stage left to right, he mentions part of their clothing and asks where they got it... Scout #1: Hi, John. Nice shirt, where did you get it? Scout #2: Thanks, I got it from Eddie Bauer. (repeat for each scout walking by using shirt, hat, pants, shoes, belt, ...) Finally, a scout walks by with a towel wrapped around his waist (with shorts underneath) and no shirt or shoes or socks. Scout #1: Hey, who are you? Last scout: I'm new here. My name's Eddie Bauer. Some people prefer to use JC Penney or LL Bean for the brand name.

Complaining Monk
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	2 scouts A sign that says '10 Years Later'
Script:	Head Monk is sitting or just standing around. New Monk walks onstage. Head Monk: Good morning, monk. It's great to have you join us here at the slient monastery. To strengthen our wills, all new monks take a vow of silence. Do you understand this? New Monk: (nods head) Head Monk: Good! You have ten years in which to contemplate life, death, and everything else. At the end of ten years, you may speak any two words you choose. Do you understand this? New Monk: (nods head) Head Monk: Great! Have a nice day. New Monk: (walks offstage) (Head Monk holds up sign or just says 'Ten Years Later'.) New Monk walks up to Head Monk. Head Monk: Aw, dear monk, it has been ten years. What do you wish to say? New Monk: Hard Bed Head Monk: Hmmm, I see. Have a nice day. New Monk: (walks offstage) (Head Monk holds up sign or just says 'Ten Years Later'.) New Monk walks up to Head Monk. Head Monk: Aw, dear monk, it has been another ten years. What do you wish to say? New Monk: Bad Food Head Monk: Hmmm, I see. Have a nice day. New Monk: (walks offstage) (Head Monk holds up sign or just says 'Ten Years Later'.) New Monk walks up to Head Monk. Head Monk: Aw, dear monk, it has been yet another ten years. What do you wish to say? New Monk: Cold Showers Head Monk: Hmmm, I see. Have a nice day. New Monk: (walks offstage) (Head Monk holds up sign or just says 'Ten Years Later'.) New Monk walks up to Head Monk. Head Monk: Aw, dear monk, you have been with us 40 years. What do you wish to say? New Monk: I QUIT! New Monk: (begins to walk offstage) Head Monk: Well, I'm not surprised. He's been complaining ever since he got here!

Contagious Pregnancy
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 or more scouts 3 chairs a beachball or basketball
Preparation:	one scout is the receptionist for a doctor sitting at a chair behind a pretend desk. 2 chairs are set up in the waiting area. Patients check in and then wait in the chairs.
Script:	Receptionist: (picking up pretend phone.) Hello, Doctor SpongeBob's office. ... Yes, Mrs. Smith your appointment is for tomorrow at 4:00pm. Thank you. Good bye. (in walks a patient and approaches receptionist.) Patient #1: Hello. My stomach doesn't feel well. Can I see the doctor? Receptionist: Certainly. It will be a couple minutes. Please have a seat. (person sits and another patient walks in. This patient is holding his left arm in pain.) Patient #2: Oooow. I think my arm is broken. Ooow. I've gotta see the doctor. Receptionist: Please have a seat. (patient sits next to other patient. After he sits down, patient #1's left arm flops limp off his lap and he lifts it back up with his right arm, in obvious pain. Patient #2 notices that his arm is miraculously feeling better so he gets up and leaves the office. Patient #1 now alternates between stomache and arm pain.) (in walks patient #3) Patient #3: I've got this twitch in my leg that won't go away. Can you help me? Receptionist: Please take a seat. (#2 sits down and the twitch migrates from his leg to #1's leg. #2 gets up and leaves joyously while #1 watches him leave. #1 is figuring out that he is getting the other patients' ailments.) (#4 comes in.) Patient #4: I've can't seem to keep my head up. My neck feels like rubber. Please help me. Receptionist: Please take a seat. (same thing happens. #1 gets the ailment. Continue this for whatever problems you come up with until the final one.) (last patient walks into the waiting room with a ball under his shirt so he is a pregnant lady.) Patient #1: (sees the pregnant lady. Jumps up and runs away hollering.)

CPR Switch
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	3 scouts
Script:	Scout #1 walks across the stage and suddenly grabs his chest and collapses at center stage. Scout #2 and #3 enter, talking about how excited they are about completing their CPR, First Aid, Lifeguard, ... training. They see Scout #1 and stop. They rush over and check the person for response. Scout #2: Are you ok? (shaking his shoulder) Scout #2: (to Scout #3) Call 9-1-1, he's not responding. While #3 makes a quick pretend call, #2 listens and feels for breath and signs of life. There are none. Scout #2 starts fake chest compressions while #3 counts them to 30. Scout #3: Switch! All three scouts switch positions. #3 lays down. #2 does counting. #1 does fake compressions.

Crazy Astronomers
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Script:	Need 5 scouts. 4 scouts are placed around the stage, each doing their thing as described below. 5th scout is narrator. Narrator: Good evening, folks. The Astronomy program was quite popular at camp this past summer, but I've heard the late nights really take a toll on the people and some of them are never the same again. Here's a few of the people that completed the program. Let's see how they're doing. (to 1st scout who is plucking things from the sky) Narrator: Hi, what are you doing? Scout #1: Why, I'm taking the stars down so they can be nicely cleaned. (to 2nd scout who is washing things in a bowl) Narrator: Hi, what are you doing? Scout #2: Why, I'm washing the pretty stars. (to 3rd scout who is hanging things into the air) Narrator: Hi, what are you doing? Scout #3: Why, I'm putting the stars back up in the sky. (to 4th scout who is walking his two fingers up and down his arm) Nar: Hi, what are you doing? Scout #4: I'm running away from these guys! They're crazy!

Crossing the Tracks
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	3 scouts - old man and woman, stationmaster.
Preparation:	You could lay down two long ropes in parallel like train tracks, but not needed.
Script:	Stationmaster is standing and waiting for something to do, maybe checking his watch. An old woman and man slowly walk to center stage where they stop and both look to the left and then to the right. woman: George, go ask the stationmaster when the next train is coming from the North. man: (as if deaf) Eh? what's that? woman: Go ask the stationmaster when the next train is coming from the North! man: Alright! (walks across the imaginary tracks and up to the stationmaster) Sonny, when's the next train a-comin' from the North? stationmaster: At 1 o'clock, sir. man: Eh? stationmaster: 1 o'clock, sir! man: Oh, okay. (walks back to woman) man: At 1 o'clock. woman: Go ask him when the next train is coming from the South. man: (as if deaf) Eh? what's that? woman: Ask him when the next train is coming from the South! man: Alright! (walks across the imaginary tracks and up to the stationmaster) Sonny, when's the next train a-comin' from the South? stationmaster: 3 o'clock, sir. man: Eh? stationmaster: 3 o'clock, sir! man: Oh, okay. (walks back to woman) man: At 3 o'clock. You can repeat for East and West if you want to drag it out longer. woman: (looks at watch and thinks a minute) OK, George, I believe we can safely cross the tracks now then. (both walk slowly across, past the stationmaster, and offstage)

Dead Body
Intended for:	All Scouts
Preparation:	2 scouts
Script:	Scene: One scout lying on the ground, dead. Second scout walks in, sees him, runs for the telephone and dials 911. Panicking and gasping he says: 'Hello 911, there's a dead person here... ' 'Where am I? I'm at Montgomery and Worchestshire.' 'You want me to spell it!?... Uh, M-o-t-n... Uh, M-o-t-g,' (confused) 'Just a minute, I'll drag him over to King and Elm!'

Dead Parrot
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	rubber chicken or something that you can pretend is a dead bird
Notes:	This is a classic Monty Python skit. It takes quite a bit of practice to get all the lines down. The full skit continues on, but requires scene changes.
Script:	Praline: Hello, I wish to register a complaint . . . Hello? Miss? Shopkeeper: What do you mean, miss? Praline: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint. Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closing for lunch. Praline: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. Shopkeeper: Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it? Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it. Shopkeeper: No, no it's resting, look! Praline: Look my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one right now. Shopkeeper: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's resting. Praline: Resting? Shopkeeper: Yeah, remarkable bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage, isn't it? Praline: The plumage don't enter into it : it's stone dead. Shopkeeper: No, no : it's just resting. Praline: All right then, if it's resting I'll wake it up. (shouts into cage) Hello Polly! I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot! Shopkeeper: (jogging cage) There it moved. Praline: No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage. Shopkeeper: I did not. Praline: Yes, you did. (takes parrot out of cage, shouts) Hello Polly, Polly (bangs it against counter) Polly Parrot, wake up. Polly. (throws it in the air and lets it fall to the floor) Now that's what I call a dead parrot. Shopkeeper: No, no it's stunned. Praline: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk. Shopkeeper: It's probably pining for the fjords. Praline: Pining for the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home? Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Blue prefers sleeping on its back. Beautiful bird, lovely plumage. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been nailed there. Shopkeeper: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise it would muscle up to those bars and voom! Praline: Look matey (picks up parrot) this parrot wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised. Shopkeeper: It's not, it's pining. Praline: It's not pining, it's passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot. Shopkeeper: Well, I'd better replace it then. Praline: (to camera) If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth. Shopkeeper: Sorry guv, we're right out of parrots. Praline: I see. I see. I get the picture. Shopkeeper: I've got a slug. Praline: Does it talk? Shopkeeper: Not really, no. Praline: Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then is it? Shopkeeper: Listen, I'll tell you what, (handing over a card) tell you what, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton he'll replace your parrot for you. Praline: Bolton eh? Shopkeeper: Yeah. Praline: All right, then. He leaves, holding the parrot.

Did You See That?
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts
Script:	Scene: 4 scouts on a hike. The last one in line is oblivious to the wonders of nature around him while the others are all noticing great things. Scout 1: Wow! Did you see that? (everyone else except the last scout says things like 'Wow, yeah. That was cool!') Scout 4: What? Where? I missed it. Scout 1: It was a huge fish - jumped 3 feet out of the water! (keep hiking) Scout 2: Wow! Did you see that? (everyone else except the last scout says things like 'Wow, yeah. That was cool!') Scout 4: What? Where? I missed it. Scout 2: It was a bald eagle - had a 10 foot wingspan! (keep hiking) (now the last scout figures out he's looking dumb so he decides to play along even though he doesn't notice something) Scout 3: Wow! Did you see that? (everyone else except the last scout says things like 'Wow, yeah. That was cool!') Scout 4: Uh, ... yeah. Amazing! Cool! (looks around searching for whatever it was they saw) Scout 3: It was two bighorn sheep fighting! (keep hiking) Scout 1: Wow! Did you see that? (everyone turns around and looks at the ground behind them and say 'wow. amazing. gosh.' the last scout joins in but is obviously searching around for whatever they saw.) Scout 2: Then why did you step in it? It was the biggest, gooiest pile of bear scat I've ever seen! (last scout looks at shoe and tries to wipe it off on the ground while all the others scatter away saying 'gross! yuch! pee-u!')

Dirty Socks
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts 1 large can full of water 4 coffee mugs
Preparation:	Place the can in the center of the stage.
Script:	Scout 1: (walks to can with his cup, dips it in and takes a drink) 'Yuch! This Camp Tea is awful!' Scout 2: (walks to can with his cup, dips it in and takes a drink) 'Yuch! This Camp Coffee is terrible!' Scout 3: (walks to can with his cup, dips it in and takes a drink) 'Yuch! This Camp Chocolate is disgusting!' Scout 4: (walks to can, reaches in and pulls out pair of socks. Wrings them and says...) 'Aaah, they're finally clean!'

Dirty Socks - Version 2
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts 1 large can full of water big spoon socks or underwear
Preparation:	Place the can and spoon in the center of the stage with the socks in the can.
Script:	Scout 1: (stirring pot) la-de-da. ... hmmm, I hear nature calling, gotta go. (exits stage left) Scout 2: (enters stage right and walks to can. smells the aroma ) Mmmm, camp soup smells pretty good today. Cookie won't mind if I try it. (takes a sip with the spoon ) Boy, that's good. I can't wait for lunch! Scout 3: (same thing) Mmm, good soup! Scout 4: (same thing) Mmm, good soup! Scout 1: (enters stage left. Stirs pot. ) La-de-da. Scout 2,3,4: (enter stage right together) Hey, Cookie, great soup! Yeah, really flavorful! What kind of soup is it? Scout 1: Soup? I'm not cooking soup! (as he lifts the socks high out of the pot with his spoon and wrings them out) Other people ham it up by acting overly sick, of course. :-)

Ditch Wreck
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	6 scouts
Script:	Four scouts are arranged as if in a car and drive onto the stage. They imitate a car wreck and they all wind up laying on the ground - 3 of them close together and the 4th a way apart. Two scouts drive onto the scene as policemen with their siren going. Police #1: Looks like another bad crash here on MacIntosh Boulevard. Well, we'd better record the details on the report. Let's go. They walk over to the group of 3 people. Police #1: This one wound up in the ditch. Police #2: Got it. (writing on his pad) D-I-T-C-H. ditch. Police #1: Here's another one in the ditch. Police #2: Yep. D-I-T-C-H. ditch. Police #1: Number 3 is in the ditch, too. Police #2: Uh-huh. D-I-T-C-H. ditch. Police #1: Hmmm, this poor guy is right out here in the boulevard. I'm gonna go check the tire marks while you finish writing this up. (He walks away) Police #2: OK. Boulevard. B-O-L, nope. Hmmm, B-O-A, nope. Hmmm. (He looks around, then rolls the person over closer to the others.) Police #2: D-I-T-C-H. ditch.

Doctor!
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	two or three scouts
Script:	One scout could play the 'nurse' and the 'doctor'. Two scouts that memorize the whole skit and pop from joke to joke really make it work. Patient: I can't figure out why my nose runs and my feet smell. My last doctor said I'm paranoid. Well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it. So, I'm going to see a new doctor. (walks up to Nurse) Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes. Nurse: Have you seen a doctor? Patient: No, just spots. Patient: I brought my son in two hours ago because he swallowed a silver dollar. What's his status? Nurse: No change yet. Patient: Well, let me see the doctor. (walks over to Doctor) Patient: Doctor! I feel like a set of curtains. Doctor: Pull yourself together, man! Patient: Doctor! I've got insomnia. Doctor: Don't lose any sleep over it! Patient: Doctor! I have weird dreams that I'm invisible. Doctor: I can't see you now. Please come back tomorrow. Patient: Doctor! I feel like killing myself and I need your help. What should I do? Doctor: Pay in advance. Patient: Doctor! I think I'm shrinking! Doctor: You'll just have to be a little patient. Patient: Doctor! Everyone keeps ignoring me. Doctor: Next! Patient: Doctor! My back feels like a deck of cards! Doctor: I'll deal with you later. Patient: Doctor! I feel awful again. What's wrong with me? Doctor: Oh, you've had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again! Patient: My friend's doctor told him he had appendicitis. Two weeks later, my friend died of heart failure. Doctor: Don't worry. If I tell you you've got appendicitis, you'll die from appendicitis! Patient: Doctor! I need this rusty nail removed from my foot. How long will it take and how much will it cost? Doctor: $300 and about 5 minutes. Patient: $300!?! For five minutes work? Doctor: Well, I can do it slower if you'd like. Patient: Doctor! What's wrong? You look puzzled. Doctor: I can't figure what's wrong with you but I think it's the result of heavy drinking. Patient: OK, I'll just come back when you're sober.

Dumb Doctor
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	2 scouts chairs lined up to be a hospital bed or a tabletop.
Script:	(doctor enters hospital room where man is laying on hospital bed, sleeping. doctor walks over close to man and looks at him and starts readying his imaginary status chart.) doctor: Hmmm, let's see. Mr. Smith. Hmmm, recovering nicely. Good progress! (man wakes up and starts grabbing his throat like he can't breath.) doctor: What is it? Do you need something to drink? (man shakes head No) doctor: Do you need medicine? (man shakes head No frantically) doctor: Are you having a heart attack? (man shakes head No. He acts like he is scribbling on a piece of paper.) doctor: You want a pencil and paper? (man nods head Yes) (doctor hands him paper and pencil. Man writes note with his last bit of strength and then falls back dead.) doctor: (reading note) You are standing on my oxygen hose! (doctor looks down at his shoes and takes a step back, then guiltily scurries offstage)

Echos in the Woods
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts 1 leader
Preparation:	One scout needs to hide outside the door to the room or in the dark away from the campfire.
Script:	Leader: I was reading on the Internet the other day that many [wooded areas or rooms] like this one may have strange ECHOing capabilities. If you shout in just the right direction, the sounds can bounce around off the [trees/hills/walls] and come back. I've asked Bobby here to give me a hand in an experiment. Leader: Bobby, could you please shout something out in that direction (points away from where other scout is hiding). Bobby: (yells in that direction) "HELLO!" Leader: Hmmm, not that way. Let's try this direction. (points towards where scout is hidden). Bobby: HELLO! Echo: HELLO! Hello! hello Leader: Wow! It works! Hey, Bobby, yell something else out there. Bobby: BALONEY! Leader: Hey! That's not very nice. We don't use such language here, Bobby. Try saying something nicer, please. Bobby: Ok, Ok, Sorry. Bobby: [Leader's Name] is the best! Echo: BALONEY! Baloney! baloney

Elevator to Bathrooms
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 to 10 scouts
Preparation:	One scout at center stage. He is the elevator operator in a department store with 5 floors. Other scouts off to the side of stage.
Notes:	The idea is that people are boarding an elevator because they have to use the restrooms that are on the fifth floor. They really have to go by the time it arrives. You can make the building taller if you want the skit to last longer and have more scouts.
Script:	Operator: First Floor! (1 person enters elevator).) Scout #1: Fifth floor, please. Operator: Yes, sir. We'll get there. (operator closes door. passenger watches numbers above door.) Scout #1: Come on, 5. Come on, 5. Operator: Second Floor - Sporting Goods. (another person gets on.) Scout #2: Fifth floor, please. Operator: Yes, sir. We'll get there. (operator closes door. passengers watch numbers above door and squirm around some.) People: Come on, 5. Come on, 5. Operator: Third Floor - Kitchen Appliances. (another person gets on.) Scout #3: Fifth floor, please. Operator: Yes, sir. We'll get there. (operator closes door. passengers watch numbers above door and squirm around quite a bit.) People: Come on, 5. Come on, 5. Operator: Fourth Floor - Children's Toys. (another person gets on.) Scout #4: Fifth floor, please. Operator: Yes, sir. We'll get there. (operator closes door. passengers watch numbers above door and squirm around a lot.) People: Come on, 5. Come on, 5. Operator: Fifth Floor - Ladies Apparel and Restrooms! (all people run out of elevator and offstage to use the restrooms.)

Enlarging Machine A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	at least 4 scouts and a leader one volunteer (victim) sheet small stick and large branch empty balloon and blown up balloon small dry sponge and large sponge bucket of water tiny paper airplane and very large paper airplane
Preparation:	Ask for a volunteer from the audience before the skit is set up. Have the skit leader take the volunteer out of the room for some quick training. Tell him that the leader said this skit can be done only if the floor doesn't get scratched up and nothing gets broken.
Notes:	This skit has water so make sure its ok on the floor. The victim should be someone with a good sense of humor.
Script:	Leader: Ladies and Gentlemen, I am Gustaf Mulch, world-famous inventor extraordinaire! Today, you are all fortunate to be the first to see my latest invention in action - the Enlarging Machine!!! Leader: Assisting me in my demonstration today is the great [Bob] world-famous sidekick and all-around good guy! Leader: Bob, please take this small item (person hands him the small airplane) and gently toss it into the machine. When it comes back out, please don't let it hit the floor or it might break. I promise you, its completely safe. (Bob tosses the airplane over the sheet and a scout sails the huge plane back out towards Bob. Hopefully, Bob will successfully catch the big plane.) Leader: Wonderful, Bob! You did great! What a huge airplane! (If he did not catch it, tell him to try a little harder next time.) Leader: Bob, let's continue with the demo. (scout hands him the empty balloon.) (Bob tosses the balloon in and a scout tosses the blown balloon back.) Leader: Terrific! Good catch, Bob! We really don't want to scratch the floor or break anything. I must admit this is the best the machine has worked so far! Do we have anything else to try? (scout hands small sponge to Bob) (Bob throws it over and a scout throws back a large soaking wet sponge. Hopefully, Bob is in the habit of catching whatever comes back and catches it)

Explain the Joke
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	2 scouts - could have 2 or 3 more if available
Notes:	Be sure to have actual patrol leaders doing the joke so they are making fun of themselves.
Script:	(Scout #1 is a patrol leader standing center stage. Could have a couple more patrol leaders standing around in different spots.) (Scout #2 comes onstage laughing to himself and walks up to Scout #1) Scout #2: Hey, wanna hear a real funny Patrol Leader joke I just heard? Scout #1: Sure, but before you start, you should know I'm a patrol leader. And, that guy's a patrol leader. And, so is that one over there. So go ahead and tell me your joke. Scout #2: Ah, never mind. I don't want to have to explain it three times!

Fifth Floor
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	At least 3 scouts - Me, Friend, Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother
Script:	There are 5 parts. It's funnier if one scout plays Dad, Mom, Sister, and Brother but you could have an scout for each part. Person playing Mom, Dad, Sister, and Brother is standing center stage. Me and Friend enter from the side, talking. Me: Yeah, Bobby Smith is a good friend of mine. His family is pretty rich. He lives in a FOUR floor house. Each member of his family occupies their own floor. FOUR people - FOUR floors. Pretty cool! Friend: Wow! Me: I went over to visit the other day. You know me, always ready to help out so I saw the Mom on the FIRST floor. She was making dinner. I told her... (walk over to Mom while talking, then address her directly) Me: Hi Mrs. Smith, you really should bake that at 375 degrees. (Then, directed to Friend...) Me: But, she told me... Mom: (Punches Me in arm) This is MY dinner, don't tell me how to cook it. Keep quiet! (Mom quickly switches roles into being Dad) Me: (rubbing arm) So, I went up to the SECOND floor and saw the Dad building a fire in the fireplace. I told him... Me: Hi Mr. Smith, you really should use more tinder there. But, he told me... Dad: (Punches Me in arm) This is MY fire, don't tell me how to build it. Keep quiet! (Dad quickly switches roles into being Sister) Me: (holding arm) So, I went up to the THIRD floor and saw the Sister putting on make-up for a big date. I told her... Me: Hi Suzy, you really should use less eyeliner there. But, she told me... Sister: (Punches Me in arm) This is MY face, don't tell me how to make it up. Keep quiet! (Sister quickly switches roles into being Brother) Me: (almost crying) So, I went up to the FOURTH floor and saw Bobby building a model airplane. I told him... Me: Hi Bobby, you really should paint the wings white. But, he told me... Brother: (Punches Me in arm) This is MY model, don't tell me how to paint it. Keep quiet! Me: (quavering and rubbing arm) Soooo, I kept climbing up to the FIFTH floor and ... Friend: Hey, wait a minute. You said there were FOUR floors. Me: (Punches Friend in arm, in strong voice completely recovered) This is MY skit, don't tell me how to tell it. Keep quiet!

Firing Squad A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	6 to 10 scouts
Notes:	You can add more disasters such as tornado, flood, earthquake if you have more scouts.
Script:	(3 soldiers in a holding cell stage left. In walks the leader of the enemy.) Leader: You have all been found guilty of spying. You will each be shot by firing squad as soon as the squad arrives. (leader walks stage right to wait for the squad) Prisoner #1:: Hey, I know how we can get out of this. Let me go first and follow my lead. (the firing squad enters stage right) Leader: First prisoner, take your place! (Prisoner #1 steps out from the others and stands straight and tall facing the firing squad) Leader: Ready! Leader: Aim! Prisoner #1: HURRICANE! (all the soldiers scurry for cover looking afraid. The prisoner runs offstage. When they realize there is no hurricane, the soldiers line up again) Leader: Next prisoner, take your place! (Prisoner #2 steps out from the others and stands straight and tall facing the firing squad) Leader: Ready! Leader: Aim! Prisoner #1: TIDAL WAVE! (all the soldiers scurry for cover looking afraid. The prisoner runs offstage. When they realize there is no tidal wave, the soldiers line up again) Leader: Next prisoner, take your place! (Prisoner #3 steps out from the others and stands straight and tall facing the firing squad) Leader: Ready! Leader: Aim! Prisoner #1: FIRE! (the prisoner falls, being shot by the solders)

Fishing Secret
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 or 5 scouts
Script:	3 or 4 scouts in a group, all fishing and not catching anything. 1 other scout walks onstage, waves to them and they wave back. He sits aways away and starts fishing. He catches a fish and repeats it a few times. One scout gets up and walks over to the scout that is catching fish. Scout #1: I've been here fishing all day and haven't caught anything. You've almost caught your limit already. What's your secret? Fish Scout : mumble mumble with mouth closed. Scout #1: What did you say? Fish Scout : mumble mumble with mouth closed. Scout #1: Oh never mind! (walks back to buddies) Scout #1: He's kinda strange. I couldn't understand him. Repeat with each scout asking his secret until the last scout tries. Last Scout : We've been here all day and haven't caught anything. What's your secret? Fish Scout : mumble mumble with mouth closed. Last Scout : What? Fish Scout : mumble mumble with mouth closed. Last Scout : Oh, come on. You can tell me, buddy! (and gives him a slap on the back which causes the scout to take a big hard swallow and look kind of sick.) Fish Scout : I said - 'You have to keep the worms warm!'

Flea Circus
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	table string small dish two straws small box rock
Script:	Ringmaster: Ladies and Gentlemen, we are proud to present the world's most amazing Flea Circus. To get things hopping, I present Hugo, who will walk the tightrope. When he reaches the center, he will turn a double somersault. May we have silence, please? (two scouts stretch a string above table and third scout pretends to place a flea on one end of the string. Scouts follow the flea as it walks to the center of the string and does a doulbe somersault. They should point with their fingers and use exagerated head movements to follow the somersault up, up, and back down so the audience can see them.) Ringmaster: Awesome! Hugo is going to attempt a world-record TRIPLE somersault now. Shhhhhh! (Scouts follow the flea up, up, up, ... when an scout holding the string sneezes.) Ringmaster: Oh no! Hugo is blown off course! (one scout gulps and gags as if he inhaled the flea.) Scout #1: Ack! I swallowed Hugo! (he runs offstage) Ringmaster: Poor Hugo. Oh well, on with the show. Our next act is about to begin. Homer will jump from this scout's hand into a dish of water. Keep in mind the size of this tiny fellow. (one scout comes onstage or a string holder does the next part. He sets the dish on the table and holds his hand out flat palm up high above the dish.) Scout #2: 3, 2, 1, Jump! (follow his dive into the dish. Then scout retrieves flea from dish in his hand.) Ringmaster: Well done, Homer! Give the little guy a big hand. (Scout quickly claps, forgetting Homer - he looks shocked, and slowly parts hands, looks horrified at squished flea, and runs off stage.) (scout #3 comes onstage with a rock) Ringmaster: Too bad for Homer. Our next fabulous act features Hector, the weight lifting flea. Hector is the strongest flea in the world. That rock may not seem large to you, but think of how small Hector is... compare his size to the size of this rock. (scout sets rock and flea on table and points at flea, flexs arm muscles, and points at flea again - indicating how strong Hector is) Ringmaster: Hold up that rock so the audience can get a better look at it and see just how much weight Hector has to lift. (scout holds up rock in one hand, bounces it a couple times, then plops it back onto the table without looking. He looks around for Hector, picks up rock, and finds him smashed to the underside of it. He runs offstage with the rock.) (scout comes onstage wearing an easily-removed shirt) Ringmaster: We seem to be having a bit of hard luck. But the show must go on. I now introduce Harry, the bare-back riding flea. (scout removes shirt and places flea as far back over his shoulder as he can reach.) Scout #4: Hang on, Harry! Here we go! (he runs offstage, barebacked) (three scouts come onstage with string and straws.) Ringmaster: He made it! And now Hank and Hillary will perform their world famous trapeze act. Hillary will make a triple somersault and Hiram will catch her. (scouts hold up trapezes made of a straw on a string. Place flea on each one and start swinging them back and forth.) Ringmaster: There they go! Watch them swing! Hillary lets go, she's turning a somersault. One, two, three, and Hiram catch.. er.. misses her! (scouts look on floor for Hillary. Scout #5: There she is! (points to floor near scout 6) Scout #6: Where? (steps out of the way, but right onto the flea.) Scout #5: You just stepped on her! Oh well, she needed more practice, anyway. Say, [to Ringmaster] we have another flea act for you. He's a man eating flea! (opens small box) Oops, he got away! (Ringmaster begins to scratch frantically, yells 'help' several times, and runs off stage. Scouts chase him.) Scouts: Hey! Bring back our flea! We want our flea!

Follow the Tracks
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts
Script:	(All scouts are sitting around a campfire. They can be Indians or cavemen or campers.) Scout #1: (walks over to storage box and looks in.) Hey, we're about out of meat. I'm going to go get a deer. (everyone waits while he walks offstage and comes back 15 or 20 seconds later. Could fill the time with a joke or two.) Scout #2: Hey, nice deer! How did you get it? Scout #1: I just followed the tracks. Scout #2: You know, some rabbit would go well with that deer. I'm going to go get some. (everyone waits until he returns.) Scout #3: Nice rabbits. How did you get them? Scout #2: I just followed the tracks. Scout #3: Nothing like a little possom to go with rabbit. I'll go get some. (everyone waits until he returns.) Scout #4: Nice possom. How did you get them? Scout #3: I just followed the tracks. Scout #4: Squirrel always adds flavor. I'll go get some. (everyone waits until he returns.) (Scout #4 comes limping back, broken leg, all banged up and barely alive.) Scout #1: Hey, what happened to you? Scout #4: I just followed the tracks... Scout #4: And a train hit me!

Fool's Gold
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	at least 4 scouts - Assayer, his partner, 2 or more miners
Script:	The assayer and his partner are in the office, waiting for gold miners to bring in gold from their claims. Partner: Hey, mind if I go across the street to grab a bite for lunch? Assayer: Sure, I'll watch the shop. First miner walks in with a sack. Assayer: Howdy, what can I do for you? Miner #1: I think I found some gold on my claim. Here, tell me what this is and what it's worth. (hands over sack and assayer looks inside) Assayer: This is just fool's gold. Miner #1: Dag num it! I've wasted 3 months in them there hills! (storms out, leaving his sack behind.) As many miners as you have each walk in with a sack and the same general scene unfolds with the assayer getting a pile of sacks. Finally, his partner comes back from lunch. Partner: Hey, whatcha got in all them sacks? Assayer: Ha, I've got all those fools' gold!

Fred the Flea
Intended for:	All Scouts
Preparation:	one scout one volunteer victim
Script:	"Here in my hand, I have Fred the Flea. Fred will perform for you some amazing feats. Watch closely." "Fred, do jumping jacks! Very good! Cheer, everyone!" "Fred, do a somersault!" "Fred, do a high jump!" Watch him go way up, then back down. "Now Fred will do a long jump. I need a volunteer to catch Fred." Pick a leader, or someone in authority. "OK, hold your hands out to catch Fred." "Fred, do a longjump!" Watch Fred jump to the volunteer "Oh, wait! He jumped too far - don't move!" Walk over to the volunteer. "Fred seems to have jumped into your hair!" Start picking through the volunteer's hair. "Here we are .. no, that's not Fred." toss the flea over your shoulder. "Ah! No, that's not Fred." "That's not Fred." "Fred, are you in there?" "That's not Fred either." "Fred? Aha! Here he is! He's had a rough day, we're done now."

Gandhi
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	6 or more scouts candle and match match striking surface and tape chair rubber ball stick of gum
Preparation:	one scout is Narrator, one is Gandhi, rest are run-ons. one scout as Gandhi (smallest scout is best, bare-footed, dressed up if desired) stands center stage. Gandhi has match striking surface taped to the bottom of one foot.
Script:	Narrator: A mystical, peace-loving man from India spent much of his life promoting non-violence. We can learn a lot from this man. His name is Mahatma Gandhi. (Gandhi walks around stage.) Narrator: Gandhi led a simple life and usually walked barefoot. Over time, this made his feet very tough with thick calluses. (scout comes onstage with candle and match, looking for a place to light it.) Scout #1: Gandhi, I am unable to light my candle. Can you help me? Gandhi: Certainly. (he sits down on the chair and crosses his leg up so his soul with the match striking surface is available to the scout, but not seen from the audience. The scout strikes the match, lights the candle.) Scout #1: Oh, thank you, great Gandhi. Gandhi: Don't mention it. (scout walks to stage side to wait for end.) Narrator: Gandhi also fasted many times to make political statements. This lack of food made him quite fragile. (scouts come onstage bouncing a rubber ball back and forth. One misses it so it bounces over to Gandhi.) Scout #2: Gandhi, would you please return our ball to us? Gandhi: You bet. (gets up and goes to the ball. Tries to pick it up, but can not.) Gandhi: Sorry, boys. That ball is too heavy for me. (scouts get their ball and walk to the stage side.) Narrator: Gandhi also ate a simple diet, but it was very spicy food. This gave him halitosis, which is just a scientific word for Bad Breath. (scouts come onstage and walk up to Gandhi.) Scouts: Hello, Gandhi! Gandhi: Hiiiiiii, people! (scouts grab their noses) Scout #3: Here, Gandhi, have some gum. (hands him a stick of gum and they leave) Narrator: Now, you know about Gandhi. He was a Super Callused, Fragile, Mystic hexed by Halitosis. (all scouts run to center stage, link arms with Gandhi, and they all sing the Mary Poppins song...) Super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. If you say it loud enough, you're sure to sound precocious. Super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

George Washington and the Cherry Tree
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts
Script:	Scene: 3 scouts sitting around a campfire with one scout acting as the adult leader. Leader: We need to reflect on our day at camp. For the most part, I think it was a great day. What do you think? Scouts: yeah! great! really good! Leader: But, there was one instance that we need to take care of. I'm sure you know what it was. I only want to ask once - who rolled the tent over that cliff over there? Scouts: Not me! I didn't! It wasn't me! Don't look at me! Leader: OK, let me tell you a little story about our first president, George Washington. George's dad had a cherry tree that produced lots of cherries every year. One day, when George's dad came home, his cherry tree had been chopped down. Scouts: Huh! Hmmm! Uhuh! Leader: Yep, and when George's dad asked him 'Son, did you chop down my tree?', George, being honest and brave, replied 'Yes sir, I did it.' Well, George's dad said 'Since you told me the truth, we'll pick all the cherries and make a big cherry pie for you.' Scouts: Wow! Really! Huh! Leader: Now, one last time - Who pushed the tent over the cliff? Scout #1: Not me! Scout #2: I didn't! Scout #3: (sheepishly replies) It was me. Leader: (mad and grabs the scout by the arm to take him away.) Come on, then! You're going home! Scout #3: But George Washington got a cherry pie for telling the truth! Leader: George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree when George Washington cut it down!

Getting Into Heaven
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	4 or more scouts
Script:	Angel: Well, pretty slow day here at the Gates of Heaven. Oh, I see a customer floating over now. Let's see what his story is. Scout #1: Good morning, I seem to have died. I'm sure glad I came to heaven. Angel: Hold on there, son. You aren't in yet. Only good folks that have suffered enough on earth get to enter heaven. How have you suffered on earth? Scout #1: Hmmmm, well I ate camp food three years. Angel: Sorry, dude, that's not enough suffering. (Scout exits dejectedly.) Scout #2: Howdy! Angel: How have you suffered on earth? Scout #2: I backpacked 65 miles through the mountains. Angel: Sorry, but that's not enough suffering. (Scout exits dejectedly.) Scout #3: Hello! Angel: How have you suffered on earth? Scout #3: I forgot my sleeping bag on a winter campout, and I got poison ivy seven times, and I had chicken pox, and my parents never gave me an allowance, and I had to walk 4 miles to school uphill both ways. Angel: Oh, so close. But, sorry, not enough suffering. (Scout exits dejectedly.) [have as many scouts as desired come up with ways they've suffered.] Last Scout : Hey, Angel, any chance I could get into heaven today? Angel: How did you suffer on earth? Last Scout : I'm in [name of Patrol or Troop] Angel: Oh, you poor soul. Come on in!

Give the Frog a Loan A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	3 scouts - a frog seeking a loan, Patty Wack the loan officer, Mr. Smith the bank manager. a statue, stick, or some small silly item
Script:	Mr. Smith is offstage. Patty Wack is seated at a desk. The frog walks into the bank. frog: Ribbit. Good morning. patty: Good morning. (looks up and sees frog.) Oh my! Uh, my name is Patty Wack. How can I help you? frog: Ms. Wack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. patty: (Takes a hard look at the frog, then shrugs her shoulders and gets out loan form. She starts filling in information) How much would you like to borrow? frog: $25,000 please. patty: What is your name? frog: Kermit Jagger, I'm Mick Jagger's son, you know. My dad is good friends with your bank manager. patty: Well, $25,000 is quite a bit of money. We will need some collateral to secure the loan. What do you have? frog: (holds up a small item) I have this Hummel! patty: (takes item and looks at it in confusion) Well, ummm, I'm going to have the bank manager take a look at this. (yells) Mr. Smith, could you come here please?! Mr. Smith: Yes, Ms. Wack. What seems to be the trouble? patty: This frog's name is Kermit Jagger and he claims his father knows you and he wants a $25,000 loan and he wants to use this, this, this 'HUMMEL!' as collateral. I don't even know what a Hummel is or if we can even give a loan to a frog! Mr. Smith: Obviously, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!

Good Thing About Christmas
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 or more scouts - 2 narrators, a scout, an adult, Aunt Ruth.
Notes:	Could have more scouts, each with a role to come on and perform for each Good/Bad item.
Script:	(Adult Leader could be a larger scout playing the role of a grumpy adult) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Getting Christmas cards. (opens envelope pulls out the card and smiles) Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... Writing out and sending the Christmas cards. (pretends to write, gets cramp in his hand and shakes it) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Christmas vacation. Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... Christmas vacation. (Scouts run around him once yelling) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Dreaming that you're Santa flying through the sky. Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... Wearing an old rented Santa suit. (smells his armpit) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Having a white Christmas. (flutters his fingers like snow) Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... Having a white Christmas. (pretends to shovel snow) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Eating Christmas cookies. Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... Making Christmas cookies. (pretends to mix the dough in a big bowl) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Santa comes. Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... Santa's reindeer come too. (takes a step and picks up his foot and shakes it so everyone knows what he just stepped in) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Unwrapping presents. Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... Cleaning up after unwrapping presents. (pretends to pick up the wrappings from the floor) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Peace on Earth. Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... It's not always so peaceful. (Scout 1 pretends to play with loud electronic game, bangs drums or other noisy toy) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Christmas dinner. Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... Aunt Ruth. (someone runs on stage with a wig on, pinchs his cheek and shakes it, yelling Oh, you're sooo cuute! ) Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... Getting a do it yourself - build your own motorcycle kit and your Dad is going to help you put it together. Narrator 2: A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... Opening the box and finding the instructions are in Chinese. Narrator 1: A good thing about Christmas is ... Scout : ... it's only ___ days away. Narrator 2 A bad thing about Christmas is ... Adult Leader: ... It only comes once a year. Merry Christmas!

Got Any Duck Food?
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	Scout 1 stands behind box or chair or table being used as the store counter. Customer: (walks in and faces store owner) Got any duck food? Owner: No, this is a hardware store. We don't sell duck food. (customer leaves and comes back the next day) Customer: Got any duck food? Owner: No! This is a haaaaardwaaaaaaaare store. We....do....not....sell....duck....food. (customer leaves and comes back the next day) Customer: Got any duck food? Owner: No! No! No! And, if you ask me again, I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor! (customer leaves and comes back the next day) Customer: Got any Nails? Owner: No. Customer: Got any Duck Food?

Gravity Check
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	1 scout
Script:	The scout runs in from the side of the stage and yells, "Gravity Check!" as he jumps as high as he can. When he lands, he says, "CHECK!" and runs off the stage. Or, if the ground is soft enough and he is tough enough, he can flop on the ground for his landing and yell, "CHECK!" as he staggers off stage.

Great Raisins
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 or more scouts. big dark-colored garbage bag for each.
Preparation:	all but one scout puts a garbage bag on like a coat - with a hole cut out for his head.
Script:	All scouts but one are Raisins and they come on stage and line up. They sing the Raisin Bran song. "We are the raisins that make the Raisin Bran so great." over and over and over ... Last scout walks onto stage with his fingertips together over his head so his arms make a big circle - he is the spoon. Raisins: Spoon! Aaaaaah! (and they all run around in a panic, but not too fast) The 'spoon' catches one raisin and takes him offstage. Raisins line up, settle down, and start their song again. Spoon reappears and takes another raisin. Repeat until only one raisin is left. He stands there sadly and sings: "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner ..." For added fun, have the 'spoon' enter the stage the 2nd or 3rd time with only one arm pointing straight up - he's a knife. :-) One Raisin yells - "Spoon!!!" Another yells - "Hey, its just a knife! I think he's after the jelly." and they all settle down while the knife walks across. Can do the same thing with both arms pointing up with elbows bent to the side slightly - a fork. :-) One Raisin yells - "Spoon!!!" Another yells - "Relax, that's a fork! The eggs are in trouble now!" and they all settle down while the fork walks across.

Grecian Fountains
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts 2 water pitchers 2 sheets
Preparation:	Wear the sheets like togas and fill the water pitchers.
Notes:	If your two actors can make it through the whole thing without cracking a smile, all the better!
Script:	Scout #1: (in a most sophisticated voice possible) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to this evenings rendition of the much-acclaimed short play 'Grecian Fountains'. This evenings presentation is a one-act play brought to you by the good people at [PetCo, K-Mart, Burger King, ...]. Please refrain from video taping and flash photography. Thank you, and please enjoy the show. Quiet, please! Scout #1 gracefully walks to position stage left while Scout #2 moves to stage right. Both stand tall, still, solemn, and silent. After a few seconds, Scout #1 starts a slow, graceful walk halfway to center stage. There, he faces Scout #2 so he is sideways to the audience, takes a large mouthful from his pitcher, and spits it out in a high, streaming arch like a fountain. Remaining serious the entire time. When Scout #1 finishes, Scout #2 repeats. Scout #1 walks closer to center stage, adding more artistic moves and striking a more difficult pose, such as holding a foot up or arms out. He takes water and spits. Scout #2 repeats. (do this as many times as you want, but don't let it get too old) #1 and #2 should be getting closer all the time. Now, #1 does a graceful dance step so he is right next to and facing #2. He takes water and aims his fountain so it splatters right at and on the feet of #2. #2 dances around #1, takes water, and streams it on his leg. #1 repeats, getting #2 wet on the chest. #2 repeats, streaming water down #1's back or neck. He also needs to have his pitcher raised high and in front of him when he strikes his pose. This is the cue to #1 that the final act is to occur. #1 strikes a pose directly in front of #2 facing him and underneath the upraised pitcher. #1 takes water and raises his pitcher identically to #2. As soon as he lets a trickle of water out of his mouth, or winks, or gives a signal, they both pour slow streams of water from their pitchers on the other for the grand finale. When the pitchers are drained, gracefully turn to face the audience and take deep bows.

Guaranteed Parachute
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	A guy wants to start skydiving so he goes to buy a parachute. Dealer: This is our best parachute. It's completely guaranteed. Customer: Great, what's this handle for? Dealer: That's the rip cord. You pull it and the parachute opens. Customer: Great, what's this other handle for? Dealer: That's the emergency chute. If the main chute fails to open, pull that handle and the emergency chute opens. Customer: Well, what if the emergency chute doesn't open? Dealer: Like I said, its guaranteed! Just bring it back and we'll give you a full refund!

Guess My Line on the Toilet A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2, 3, or more unsuspecting volunteers. 2 scouts to run the skit. a chair.
Preparation:	set the chair center stage. select your volunteers and have one scout take them back stage where they can not hear what is going on onstage.
Notes:	The skit only works well if the volunteers have not seen it before so it can't be done very often. You might want to have an actual prize that gets the contestants trying their best.
Script:	Back stage, the scout tells the volunteers they will be in a contest to get the audience to guess their job. Give each volunteer a different job - racecar driver, weightlifter, horse jockey, newspaper delivery boy, ... whatever you can think of that might be interesting and can be done sitting on a chair. Each volunteer is sent onstage, one at a time, to get the audience to guess their job. Meanwhile, onstage, the other scout is telling the audience that the chair is a toilet seat and we'll see how each of the volunteers use it. Call out the first contestant and see what happens. When the laughs die down, have him stop and get the next contestant.

Hair in my Hamburger
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts
Script:	(scout #1 enters a restaurant and is seated by scout #2.) Scout 1: I'd like a burger and fries, please. With a coke. Scout 2: Very good, it will be right up. (Scout 2 exits and returns with imaginary plate.) Scout 2: Here you are, sir. Enjoy! (Scout 2 moves off a ways, waiting to serve.) (Scout 1 takes a bite and enjoys it until he stops and pretends to pull a long hair out of his mouth.) Scout 1: Yuch! Waiter! There's a hair in my burger! Scout 2: Oh, I am so sorry, sir. Here, give me that and I will bring you a fresh meal. (Scout 2 leaves and comes back with a new plate.) Scout 2: Here, sir. I brought you new fries also. Scout 1: Thank you. (starts eating again and finds another hair.) Scout 1: Waiter! I found ANOTHER hair. I want to speak to the cook - NOW! (Scout 2 runs offstage and brings back scout 3 who is the cook and pretends to be forming hamburger in his hands.) Scout 1: What is the problem? Don't you know how to make hamburgers? Scout 3: Yes, I do. I make these burgers the same way every time. See? (scout rolls a ball of hamburger in his hands. Then, puts it in his armpit and squeezes his arm down.)

Hare Restorer
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts hair spray can
Script:	Rabbit is hopping around center stage. Scout enters stage as if driving a car and runs into rabbit. Scout gets out of car and checks rabbit and sees that he is definitely dead. Second scout drives up and stops. Scout #2: What's the matter? Scout #1: I hit this poor rabbit and killed it. Scout #2: Hey, that's no problem. I have just what you need right here - my wife left it in the car. Try it. (hand spray can to other scout. Scout shakes it and sprays a little on the rabbit. Rabbit twitches, gets up, and hops away. As he is hopping, he turns and waves at each hop.) Scout #1: Wow, that's great! What is this stuff? (reads can.) Scout #1: Hair Restorer - restores dead, lifeless hair and gives it a permanent wave.

Hey, Sven!
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	4 or more scouts
Preparation:	Scouts split into to armies, one on each side of the stage.
Notes:	Here in Minnesota, we make fun with scandinavian accents, but you could change it.
Script:	This is the Norwegian army (not too bright) in a war with the German army or some other country. The Norwegians are Ole and Sven. The Germans are Hans and Peter. (each team acts like it is behind shelter, quickly taking shots over or around their shelter occastionally). Hans: Hey, Peter, those Norwegians are too tough. I have a plan to trick them. Watch this. Hans: (peeking around the shelter) Hey, Sven! Sven: (standing up and looking) Ya? Who's dat? Hans: BANG! (Sven falls down and Ole bandages him up. Hans and Peter give high fives) (The Norwegians start firing again) Peter: Hey, Hans, they're shooting again. Do your trick again. Hans: (peeking around the shelter) Hey, Sven! Sven: (standing up and looking) Ya? Who's dat? Hans: BANG! (Sven falls down. Hans and Peter give high fives) Ole: (while bandaging Sven) Sven, we gotta get dem guys. Why don't you play their own trick on them? Sven: Good idea, Ole! (The Norwegians start firing again) Sven: (peeking around the shelter) Hey, Hans! Hans: Iss dot you, Sven? Sven: (standing up and looking) Ya, its me! Hans: BANG! (Sven falls down. Hans and Peter give high fives)

Hot Meal
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	3 scouts
Script:	(3 scouts wander on stage) Scout #1: Boy, am I hungry! We haven't eaten in days! Scout #2: Me too. Scout #3: I'm ok, but I would just love a hot meal. Scout #1: (Looking to ground) Shhhh! A rabbit! Jump it! (scouts #1 & #2 sneak up and catch it and start eating it) Scout #2: (Looking at Scout #3) Would you like some? Scout #3: No thanks, I'm ok. I'll wait for a hot meal. Scout #1: OK, whatever. (after finishing the rabbit and waiting a bit) Scout #2: Hey! A squirrel! I'm still hungry. Let's get it! (Scout #1 & #2 chase it around, catch it, and start eating) Scout #1: (to Scout #3) Come on, you want a bite? Scout #3: No, that's alright. I'd rather wait for a hot meal. (after a short wait) Scout #1: Hey! A moose! Scout #2: Be very quiet. (Scout #1 and #2 sneak up on the moose, wrestle it to the ground, and start eating it) Scout #1: (to Scout #3) Hey, look. There's tons of meat here. We can't eat it all. Help yourself. Scout #3: Thank you, but, no. I'm fine waiting for a nice, hot meal. Scout #2: Are you sure? You haven't eaten anything for an awful long time. Scout #3: No thanks, I'd prefer a hot meal. (as Scout #1 and #2 continue to eat and eat) Scout #1: Boy, I'm stuffed. I think my stomache is gonna explode. Scout #2: Me too. I don't feel so good. (he throws up) Scout #1: I'm sick, too. (he throws up too) Scout #3: Finally! A hot meal!

I Ain't Lost
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 or more scouts a chair a map
Preparation:	1 scout is a local fellow sitting on his front porch. The rest are on a hike and find themselves lost.
Notes:	The Local can use a slow drawl accent if that would make it funnier. The hiking scouts get more frustrated with each question asked.
Script:	Scout #1: (to other hikers, while looking at map) Gee, guys, looks like we're lost. Scout #2: Let's ask that guy over there for directions. (walk over to Local sitting on chair.) Scout #3: Excuse me, we've been hiking for 20 miles and we seem to be lost. Can you help us? Local: Why, shore, whadda ya need? Scout #1: (looking at map) Can you tell us where Mt. Plummet is from here? Local: Nope, never heard of it. Scout #2: Can you point us towards 'the White River'? Local: Nope, don't know where that's at. Scout #3: How about Fort Smithers? Local: Nope, don't know that one neither. Scout #1: Well, how far is it to 'Red Prairie' then? Local: Sorry, couldn't tell ya. Scout #2: Oh, come on! Where's the closest highway? Local: Highway? Hmm, don't know if there is a highway round here. Scout #3: Sheesh! What DO you know? Local: Well, sonny, I DO know I ain't lost!

I Saw a Bear
Intended for:	All Scouts
Notes:	This skit should only be done with good-natured adult leaders or a scout that knows what will happen.
Script:	Ask for volunteers, 5 or more works best. Have the volunteers line up on stage and the skit leader is on the left end of the line. Leader: OK, please crunch closer together. Real close so your shoulders are tight together. That's it! Leader: This is a very simple silly skit so I appreciate you volunteering. When I say "I saw a bear!", you all say "WHERE?". Then, I'll point where and you copy me. Leader: OK, let's try it. Leader: Wait, since we're looking for bear, we'd better crouch down and be careful. (crouch down and check the the rest also are.) Leader: I saw a Bear! Volunteers: Where? Leader: Over there! (big arm gesture and points far to the left with his right hand. All volunteers should then also point.) Leader: I saw a Bear! Volunteers: Where? Leader: Over there! (big arm gesture and points far to the right with his left arm so his arms are crossed. All volunteers should then also point.) Leader: I saw a Bear! Volunteers: Where? Leader: Over there! (big leg gesture and points far to the left with his right leg. All volunteers should then also point.) Leader: I saw a Bear! Volunteers: Where? Leader: Over there! (big head gesture and points far to the right with his head. All volunteers should then also point.) At this point, the volunteers should be in a tight line with most of their weight on their left foot and their right leg out to the left and their head leaning to the right. Not a lot to prevent them from all tipping over with a slight push on the left-most scout. Leader: I saw a Bear! Volunteers: Where? Leader: Over there! (and pushes the first scout in line, hopefully toppling them all down) If they are all adults, the scouts in the audience love it. But, don't expect some of those volunteers to ever volunteer for a skit again if you did not warn them beforehand.

Ice Fishing A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts or 2 scouts and adult
Preparation:	One scout or adult offstage playing God's voice.
Script:	2 scouts are icefishermen and they walk to centerstage. Ole: Sven, dis looks like a goot spot. Sven: Ya, Ole, let's start here, den. (Sven starts using a manual ice drill to cut through the ice.) God's Voice: There are no fish there! (Sven and Ole jump and look around.) Ole: Sven, let's try over der. Sven: Ya, Ole, you drill the hole dis time. (Ole takes the drill and they move to a new location and start to drill through the ice.) God's Voice: There are no fish there! (Sven and Ole jump and look around.) Ole: My gosh, Sven, we'd best try a different spot I'm thinkin'. Sven: Ya, Ole, dat looks pretty good over der. (Ole takes the drill and they move to a new location and start to drill through the ice.) God's Voice: Listen, you guys, I'm the ice rink manager and THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!

Illegal Chickenfarmer
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Script:	Two scouts are policemen and one scout is a chickenfarmer. One scout is a narrator offstage. Doing this with Russian or German accents might make it more entertaining. Farmer: Here, chicky chicky chicky. Here chicky... (Two police walk up to farmer) Farmer: Hallo, officers. Police: Hey there, What are you doing? Farmer: I'm feeding my chickens. Police: What are you feeding them? Farmer: Corn Police: What! There is a corn shortage. Three years in the work camp for you! (They drag him away) Narrator: THREE YEARS LATER Farmer: Here, chicky chicky chicky. Here chicky... (Two police walk up to farmer) Farmer: Uh oh. Police: Hey there, What are you doing? Farmer: I'm feeding my chickens. Police: What are you feeding them? Farmer: Wheat Police: What! There is a wheat shortage. Five years in the work camp for you! (They drag him away) Narrator: FIVE YEARS LATER Farmer: Here, chicky chicky chicky. Here chicky... (Two police walk up to farmer) Farmer: Uh oh. Police: Hey there, What are you doing? Farmer: I'm feeding my chickens. Police: What are you feeding them? (continue with beans, rice, ... as long as you want to drag it out. But, two is usually enough) Farmer: Dollars! Police: Dollars?!? Why are you feeding them dollars? Farmer: So they can go buy their own food!

Intelligence
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	1 tree or wall 3 scouts
Script:	Two guys are working hard, shoveling dirt. A third guy (the boss) walks over and stands around, looks at the work they've done, reads a paper. Scout #1: Hey, Joe. How come we have to do all the hard work and the boss there gets paid more than we do? Scout #2: I don't know. Maybe you should ask him. Scout #1: Good idea. #1 lays down his shovel and walks up to Boss. Scout #1: Hey, boss, how come we do all the work and you get all the pay? Boss: Because of 'Intelligence'. Scout #1: Huh? Boss: Here, let me demonstrate. Boss places his palm flat against a tree. Boss: OK, hit my hand as hard as you can. Scout #1: OK. As #1 hits the hand, the boss pulls his hand away so #1 slugs the tree and hurts his own fist. Boss: You see, that's Intelligence. Now, get back to work. #1 returns to shoveling. Scout #2: So, what did he say? Scout #1: He said it's cause of Intelligence. Scout #2: Huh? Scout #1: Here, let me demonstrate. #1 holds the palm of his hand in front of his own face. Scout #1: OK, hit my hand as hard as you can.

Invisible Bench - plus Add-Ons A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts
Notes:	This is a funny skit the first time or two you see it. But, around here, it is waaaaay over-used. So, there have been a few add-ons created. See Raking an Invisible Garden skit also.
Script:	Scout #1 walks onstage and squats down as if he is sitting on a bench that is invisible. Scout #2 walks up to #1. Scout #2: Whatcha doin'? Scout #1: Just sitting on this invisible bench. Scout #2: Can I join you? Scout #1: Sure. Scout #2 sits down next to #1. Scout #3 repeats the dialog. Each scout comes on and repeats, making a long line of scouts sitting on the bench. Last scout walks up to line of scouts. last Scout : What are you guys doing? all people: Just sitting here on this invisible bench. last Scout : No you aren't. I moved the bench over there. (points) All the sitting scouts fall down. Add-On #1: last Scout : No you aren't. I moved the bench over there yesterday. (points) Scout #1: But, I moved it back here this morning! last Scout : Oh, ok! (and sits down with the rest) Add-On #2: last Scout : Oh, ok! (and sits down with the rest) one more Scout : What are you guys doing? all Scouts: Sitting on this invisible bench. one more Scout : Oh no! I just got done painting that bench! all Scouts: AAAAGH! (stand up and wipe paint off back sides. Add-On #3: one more Scout : Oh no! I just got done painting that bench! Scout #1: Oh, that's ok. We all have our invisible paint suits on. (all stand up, and unzip front of suits and step out.)

Is It Time Yet?
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts chairs or a bench
Preparation:	Line chairs up in a row facing audience. Scouts sit on chairs.
Script:	All scouts sit on chairs and cross right leg over left and right arm over left and stretch out like they are resting. Scout on end: (to the scout next to him) Is it time yet? (each scout passes the question down the line to the end) Scout on far end: Nope. (each scout passes the reply back up the line to the end) (wait a few seconds) Scout on end: Is it time yet? (pass it down) Scout on far end: Nope. (pass it back) (repeat a couple times) Scout on end: (to the scout next to him) Is it time yet? (each scout passes the question down the line to the end) Scout on far end: Yep, its time. (each scout passes the reply back up the line to the end) When the reply reaches the end, all scouts stretch, yawn, switch their arms and legs and go back to sleep.

Jailhouse Jokes
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts chairs
Preparation:	1 scout is the jailer 1 scout is a new inmate other scouts are inmates
Script:	(jailer leads new inmate to jail cell where all the other inmates are sitting around.) Jailer: Here's your new home. Don't worry, 10 years will go by fast and I'm sure you'll make friend real fast with your new roommates. Ha ha ha! (shoves new guy into cell and locks the door and leaves stage) New Inmate: (timidly) Hi, guys. (other inmates tell him to shut up, sit down, be quiet, don't bother me, pipe down, ...) (wait for a few second pause of silence while the new inmate looks sad and dejected.) Inmate #1: 22! (everyone but new inmate laughs.) Inmate #2: 57! (everyone but new inmate laughs.) Inmate #3: 98! (everyone but new inmate laughs.) (new inmate looks confused and can't figure out what is going on.) New Inmate: I don't get it. What are you guys laughing at? Inmate #1: We've been locked up in here so long we've memorized all the jokes we know. So, to save time, we gave each joke a number and when someone says a number, we know what joke they're telling. New Inmate: Oh! I'll give it a try. "63!!!" (no one laughs. they just look at him.) New Inmate: What? Why didn't anyone laugh? Inmate #2: I guess some people just can't tell a joke.

Jelly Beans Please
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 or 6 scouts
Script:	One scout is the candy store owner standing behind his counter - he's a little old man. The other scouts all come into his store and stand in a line waiting to buy candy. After each scout buys his candy, he just waits for his buddies to finish buying. Owner: Hello there, young scout. What candy would you like today? Scout 1: I'd like a quarter's worth of jelly beans, please. Owner: (pointing to the highest shelf on the wall behind him) You mean those jelly beans waaaay up there? Scout 1: Yes, please. Owner mimes getting a ladder, climbing it, getting the jar of jelly beans, climbing down, opening the jar, scooping out a few beans into a bag, and closing the jar. Owner: 25 cents, please. Scout 1: Thanks! Owner mimes climbing the ladder, replacing the jar, and climbing down the ladder. Owner: Next, please. Scout 2: I'd like a quarter's worth of jelly beans, please. Owner: (pointing to the case in front of him) Are you sure you don't want some Swedish fish or licorice laces? Scout 2: No thanks, just jelly beans. Owner mimes again. Owner: 25 cents. Scout 2: Thanks! Owner finishes mime. Owner: Next, please. Scout 3: I'd like a quarter's worth of jelly beans, please. Owner: Aw, man! Look at these great jawbreakers and lemon drops! Scout 3: No thanks, just jelly beans. Owner mimes again. Owner: 25 cents. Scout 3: Thanks! (Can do this more times with more scouts, but it gets old quickly) Owner: Next! Owner: Hey, I suppose you want a quarter's worth of jelly beans too? Scout 4: No, thank you. Owner mimes climbing the ladder, replacing the jar, and climbing down the ladder. Owner: OK, what do you want then? Scout 4: I'd like a dime's worth of jelly beans, please! Owner groans and chases all the scouts out of his store, running like a little old man.

Let Me Have It
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	two water bottles
Script:	Scout #1: (standing centerstage, to audience) Wow, I just learned the funniest trick at camp. I just need to find someone to play it on. (looks left and right, as Scout #2 walks onstage) Scout #1: Hi, Jimmy! I learned a fun new game at camp. Would you like to play it with me? Scout #2: Sure, I love playing games. How do we play? Scout #1: It's the "Big Boss" game. I'll let you be the boss and I'll be a worker. You stand here practicing your golf swing while I go off and make money. When I come back, I have to give you everything I made, so you say, "Let Me Have It!" Okay? Scout #2: Okay, sounds fun. Let's play. (Scout #2 takes practice swings while Scout #1 runs off to the side stage and takes a mouthful of water from his water bottle. He then comes back to Scout #2) Scout #2: Let Me Have It! (Scout #1 spits the water on Scout #2 and runs off) Scout #2: Oh man, I can't believe I fell for that joke. Ha, that was funny. I need to play that joke on someone. (Scout #3 walks across stage) Scout #2: Hey, Johnny, I learned a fun new game. Would you like to play it with me? Scout #3: Sure, I love playing games. How do we play? Scout #2: It's the "Big Boss" game. I'll let you be the boss and I'll be a worker. You stand here practicing your golf swing while I go off and make money. When I come back, I have to give you everything I made, so you say, "Let Me Have It!" Okay? Scout #3: Okay, sounds fun. Let's play. (#3 takes practice swings while #2 runs off to the side stage and takes a mouthful of water from his water bottle. He then comes back to #3) (#3 just stops his golfing and looks at #2) Scout #3: Hi! (#2 spits his water on the ground) Scout #2: Hey, you're supposed to say "Let Me Have It"! That's what makes the game fun. Scout #3: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Let's play again. (repeat golfing and going to get water and returning) (#3 just stops his golfing and looks at #2) Scout #3: What do you want? (#2 spits his water on the ground) Scout #2: Come On! You're supposed to say "Let Me Have It"! Don't you understand? Scout #3: Rats! I forgot while I was practicing my golf swing so hard. I'll just stand here instead. Let's play again. (#3 just stands while #2 goes to get water. While #2 is gone, #3 takes a mouthful from his own waterbottle.) (#2 returns. #3 just stands there looking at him) (#2 spits his water on the ground) Scout #2: What is your problem? Why can't you just say, "Let Me Have It!"? (#3 spits his water on him) Scout #3: I went to camp too! (and runs offstage)

Letters From Home
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	Two scouts Lines written on two sheets of paper
Script:	(both scouts enter while looking at their 'letters') Scout #1: Gee, it's sure great to get a letter from home when you're at camp. Scout #2: Yeah, I got a letter from my Mom today. Scout #1: Me, too. Listen, my Mom says she's writing this letter slowly, because she knows I can't read very fast. Scout #2: Mine says I won't know the house when I come home... They've moved! Scout #1: Oh, my Dad has a new job with 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery. Scout #2: Our neighbors started a new pig farm. Mom got wind of it this morning. Scout #1: Oh, my goodness. My little brother came home from school crying because all the other boys had new clothes and we can't afford any for him. Mom says she got him a new hat and lets him stand in the window. Scout #2: My Mom wasn't feeling well so she had her appendix taken out. And, she had a new dishwasher put in. Scout #1: Hey, my sister just had a baby. Mom doesn't know if I'm an Aunt or Uncle, because she doesn't know yet if it's a boy or a girl. Scout #2: Oh, dear, there's a P.S. It says, I was going to send you $10.00, but I had already sealed the envelope. Scout #1: Well, it's nice to know things are normal at home. Scout #2: Yep. (Both exit)

Lighthouse Stairs
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts
Notes:	A man lives in a lighthouse. For some unexplained reason, only the stairs are used and not the elevator.
Script:	Start with one scout onstage. He looks at his wristwatch. Keeper: Oops, time to check the light. He walks around and around and around the clockwise acting like he is climbing a circular staircase to the top of the lighthouse. After 3 or 4 or 12 circles (depending on the actor), he pauses and listens. Keeper: Oh no! The phone! He runs around and around the opposite direction the same number of times and picks up the phone. Keeper: Hello? Hello? Rats, they hung up! He returns to climbing the stairs. Partway up, he hears the phone again, runs down, and answers it. Keeper: Hello? Oh hi, Johnny. Sure, bring your cousin from Nebraska that has never seen a lighthouse over, I'll give him a tour. Bye. Keeper: I'm sure I have enough time to go check that light before Johnny gets here. He starts running around up the stairs. Two scouts come onstage and pretend to knock on the door. The lighthouse keeper stops, and runs around the other direction down to greet them. Keeper: Hi, guys! The view from the top is great! I'm just heading up there to check the light, so let's go! They walk around up to the top. The cousin from Nebraska should get more and more tired with each circle they climb. Keeper: There it is! Look at that ocean! Just then, the cousin collapses. Keeper: Oh No! Johnny, go call 911! Johnny runs around and around, then stops, turns around and runs around and around back up. Johnny: I forgot the number! Keeper: 9-1-1! Johnny runs back down and calls. He then runs back up. 4th scout comes onstage and knocks on the door. Johnny runs down to get him. They run back up. Doctor: This looks bad. He needs to get to the hospital! Keeper and Johnny pick up cousin and try to carry him down the stairs. Johnny: Oh no, the stairwell is too tight, we can't carry him down. Keeper: (reaching to the side and presing a button) No problem, we'll take the elevator.

Listen!
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	One scout comes onstage and starts listening intently to something far off up in the air. The rest of the scouts walk up to him. Scouts: Hey, what are you doing? Scout #1: Listen! (other scouts stop and listen.) Scout #2: I don't hear anything. Scout #1: LISTEN! Scout #3: I don't hear anything either. Scout #1: You know, It's been like that all day!

Lobster Tail
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts - Waiter and two customers a plate a book
Script:	Have three places to sit on stage. Waiter is standing on stage. Two scouts enter. Waiter: Good evening, gentlemen. Welcome to King Neptune's, the fanciest seafood restaurant in town. Please follow me to your table. (leads them to center stage where they sit) Waiter: And, here are your menues. I will be back in a moment to take your orders. Customer 1: Wow! This all looks great! Customer 2: Sure does. Hmmm, well I know what I'd like. How about you? Customer 1: Yes. I'm ready too. (waiter returns) Waiter: Gentlemen, are you ready? Customer 1: Yes, I'll have the sauteed seabass, scallops, and shrimp, please. Waiter: Ahh, an excellent choice, sir! And you, sir? Customer 2: How are the lobster tails? Waiter: They are most exquisite this evening, sir. Customer 2: Fine, I'd like a lobster tail, please. Waiter: Superb. I'll be back in but a moment. (waiter leaves) Customer 1: Mmmm, it sure smells good. I can hardly wait. Customer 2: Sure does. I haven't had a lobster tail since I was a youngster. (waiter returns with a plate and a book) Waiter: Sir, here are your seabass, scallops, and shrimp. (gives plate to Customer 1) Waiter: And, for you sir... (waiter sits down, opens book and begins to read) Waiter: Once upon a time there was a little lobster that lived in the sea ...

Long Winter
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Preparation:	3 scouts
Script:	(two adventurers leave the comforts of home to settle the wilds of Alaska) (Indian sits to one side of the stage. Bill and Ted come hiking in from offstage the other side, tired out) Bill: Man, Ted, I'm beat! We've been walking for weeks and weeks. Ted: Me, too. Alaska is huge, but it will be great to spend a year out here in the wilderness. I'm glad we left our soft lives behind. Bill: Well, this is the valley they told us about back in Juneau. It's beautiful! Should we build a cabin and live here? Ted: Sounds good. Let's do it. (lots of chopping, sawing, pounding, building a cabin in 10 seconds) Bill: Awesome! That should keep us warm all winter. Ted: Well, it will protect us, but we still need firewood to keep us warm. Let's get cutting. (lots of chopping, sawing, and stacking for 5 or 10 seconds) Bill: That looks like about 20 cords right there. You think it's enough? Ted: I don't know, but I heard back in Juneau that there's an old Indian living on that tall mountain over there that can tell how bad the winter will be. We could ask him. Bill: Good idea. (hike, hike, hike up the mountain to the Indian) Ted: (to Indian) Howdy, I heard you can tell us how bad the coming winter will be. Can you help us? Indian: Wait here. (he stands, walks towards audience, puts hand to forehead to shade eyes from sun, and peers out over the audience for a couple seconds. Then returns to Bill and Ted.) Indian: Winter will be very cold and very long. Bill: Thanks for you help, wise one. (Bill and Ted hike back down, down, down to their valley.) Ted: Man, I don't think we have enough wood if it's going to be that cold. We should cut more. Bill: Good idea. (more chopping, sawing, and stacking) Ted: Whew, 40 cords! That should do it. Should we go make sure? Bill: Yep. (hike back up mountain) Ted: (to Indian) Howdy again. How bad will the winter be? (Indian again peers out over audience) Indian: Winter will be very, very cold. Very cold! Ted: Thanks. (hike back down) Bill: I don't want to freeze out here in Alaska! Let's get more wood. Ted: OK (more chopping...) Bill: There, 60 cords of wood! That should be enough for 5 years! Ted: Yeah, but, just to be safe, let's go check. (back up the mountain) Bill: Howdy, wise friend. Please say once more what the winter will bring. (Indian peers) Indian: Winter will be bad, worst I've ever seen! Bill: Please, friend, how do you know these things? Do you notice the animals or the plants? How can we read the signs? Indian: It is easy. I look down in the valley. I see two white men cutting and piling many cords of wood so it must be a cold, cold winter.

Lost Bubblegum
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	a bunch of scouts - at least 2
Script:	One scout walks across the stage, stumbles, and falls at center stage. He needs to make his forehead hit the ground, but not hard, and then stay there. The person struggles to get up, but he can not move his forehead from the spot where it is stuck. He should work his way up to having his butt sticking up and only his feet and forehead on the ground, squirm around, spin around, maybe do a headstand, whatever. He should make this as comical and energetic as he can. He should call for help, very loudly, saying his forehead is stuck. If you have extra scouts, they should walk past, look at him or ignore him or steer clear of him, but not help. Finally, the last scout comes running to the stuck scout, grabs him around the chest/shoulders and mightily heaves him to his feet. Stuck Scout: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! I thought I'd be stuck there forever. Thank you for rescuing me. You're my hero! ... Rescuing Scout: Stop! What's that on your forehead? (he reaches out and plucks an invisible something off the stuck scout's forehead, looks at it, then pops it in his mouth and starts chewing) Rescuing Scout: Hey, I knew I lost my bubblegum around here somewhere. Thanks for finding it for me!

Lost Quarter
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 or more scouts a flashlight (optional)
Script:	(One scout stands onstage holding the flashlight overhead pointing to the ground - he is a lamppost and just stands there the whole time.) (scout #1 is searching the ground where the light is shining.) Scout #2: Hey, what are you looking for? Scout #1: I lost a quarter. Scout #2: Here, I'll help you find it. (starts searching in same area) Scout #3: Hey, what are you looking for? Scout #1: I lost a quarter. Scout #3: Here, I'll help you find it. (starts searching in same area) [continue for as many scouts as you have] (After searching awhile, a scout finally asks) Scout #2: Man, I just don't see it. Are you sure you lost that quarter here? Scout #1: No, I didn't lose it here. I lost it over there. Scout #2: What? Then, why are we searching over here? Scout #1: Because the light is better over here!

Lottery
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Notes:	This works great if you do it during a court of honor or other meeting where there will be a large audience WITHOUT scheduling it, otherwise people will know it's coming. And make sure you use an unsuspecting crowd.
Script:	Explain the joke to your entire troop at a meeting before it will be performed so they all know their role. SPL or Leader: Attention, everyone! The (insert your state's name here; ex. New York) Lottery is now $53 million dollars! All scouts run out of the room like wild maniacs to buy a ticket. Once they are all out, the scouts calmly walk back in and take their seats as if nothing happened.

Lucky Boxer
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts a frying pan
Script:	Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event. In this corner, weighing in at 225 pounds, undefeated in 138 fights, current world heavyweight champeeeeeen, Big Bart! And, in this corner, weighing in at 68 pounds, before drying after a shower, the contender, Little Mo! Announcer: Boxers ready? Fight! (Big Bart pounds on Little Mo. A right, a left, an uppercut, a roundhouse, remember which punches are used. Finally, with Little Mo nearly dead, he takes one feeble swing and Big Bart's nose and Big Bart falls down - knocked out.) Announcer: (stands over Big Bart) 1, 2, 3, he's out! Little Mo wins! Let's see that spectacular upset again in slow motion. Big Bart gets up and the boxers repeat the scene slowly. When Little Mo takes his slow, weak swing, another scout runs up behind Big Bart (in normal speed) and whacks him on the head with the frying pan and runs offstage.

Magic - Mystic Reader
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	slips of paper and pencil for each scout
Preparation:	Have an accomplice in on the trick.
Script:	Have everyone (including your accomplice) carefully write their favorite food and color on the paper. Fold the paper and put it in a bag. (Your accomplice puts his hand in the bag, but has already hidden his paper in his pocket and does not drop in his paper!) After all papers are in the bag, shake it up, and draw one out. Put your hand with the paper in it up to your forehead and concentrate. After a few seconds tell the group that it says "Clam Chowder" and "Purple". Open the paper to verify it, nod, and ask who wrote that? Your accomplice says, "That was me!". (Actually, you are reading the paper to see what the next words are that you will 'read'.) Reach in and pull out another paper and put it to your forehead. Announce that it says whatever was written on the previous paper and ask whose it is. Continue to do this for all the papers, being as dramatic as you can. When there are no papers left, there will still be one scout that was not guessed. Ask if there are any scouts left that you haven't guessed. When he says 'Yes', say that you will try to guess his even though his paper has disappeared. Of course, you guess it perfectly!

Measuring a Pole
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	2 Life or Eagle Scouts 1 Scout or Tenderfoot 2 long poles or branches
Script:	(2 senior scouts enter stage with pole. They stand the pole up on end.) Scout #1:OK, Jimmy, let's figure out how tall these poles are so we know how tall our flagpole will be when we lash them together. Scout #2: (does rough stick method measurement) Right! Now, using the stick method, it looks like its about 18 feet tall. Scout #1: What?!? No way! It can't be that tall. (compares pole's shadow to shadow of Scout #2) Here, measuring its shadow in comparison to another object of a known height - How tall are you? Then, finding the ratio, and multiplying that back, let's see... I get 12 feet tall! (Tenderfoot strolls onstage and watches the two Eagles discuss the situation, something like ...) Scout #2: I don't think so! You must have miscalculated. The pole makes a right triangle with the ground so we can use the distance to the object and the angle with the ground. Scout #1: That's too much work. The stick method is always right. Tenderfoot: Watcha guys doin'? Scout #1: Oh, Hi Billy. We're measuring how tall this pole is. Scout #2: Yeah, it's hard work, but we'll figure it out. Tenderfoot: Why don't you just lay it on the ground and measure its length? Scout #1: Ha! Tenderfoot scouts! Scout #2: Really! (to tenderfoot) Look, we need to know how tall it is, not how long it is!

Meat for Sale
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	A grizzly bear walks into a butcher shop. Bear: Grrr, I need some meat. What's for sale today? Butcher: Well, here's some skunk that got run over on the road. Just 10 cents a pound. Bear: That's disgusting! I need something better. Butcher: How about some rabbit? 50 cents a pound. Bear: No, rabbit gives me gas. Butcher: I've got venison steaks. $1.00 a pound. Bear: Nope, had that yesterday. Butcher: There's bear tongue for $2.00 a pound, but you're probably not interested. Bear: GRRRRRRR! Butcher: Hey, here's pheasant breast for just $5.00 a pound. Bear: That might do. Is that all you have? Butcher: Hmmm, let's see. I've got Scouts, but I'm afraid they're $70.00 a pound. Bear: $70.00!!!! Why so much? Butcher: Do you know how much work it is to CLEAN one?

Mechanical Cowboy
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Script:	One scout is a quickdraw mechanical cowboy. He stands motionless at center stage, facing stage left, looking straight ahead. He always talks in a mechanical, monotone, but very western voice. Cowboy: (to no one in particular) Howdy partner, wanna draw? (scout walks to center stage) Cowboy: Howdy partner, wanna draw? Scout : Hey, what's this? Wow, a mechanical cowboy - cool! (pretends to read instructions) Let's see, 'Deposit 25 cents and see if you can outdraw Black Bart, the fastest gun in the West.' 'WARNING: slow draws may experience mild discomfort.' Scout : All right! I bet I can beat this old heap of scrapmetal. (takes quarter from his pocket and deposits it in mechanical cowboy's shirt pocket.) Cowboy: So, you think you're fast? Put on the gun and holster at my feet and on the count of 3, Draw! (person bends down to pick up holster, but its stuck under the cowboy's foot) Scout : Hey, it's stuck! Cowboy: 1... 2... 3... Draw! BANG! (he shoots the bending over scout in the back who falls down and then jumps up, holding his backside.) Scout : OUCH! What a rip-off! I'll get him this time. (scout bends down and pries the holster from under the cowboy's foot and puts it on. He then inserts another quarter.) Cowboy: So, you think you're fast? Put on the gun and holster at my feet and on the count of 3, Draw! Scout : Ha! I'm way ahead of you! (He puts his hand on the gun, ready to draw.) Cowboy: 1... 2... 3... Draw! (On 'Draw', the scout tries to pull the gun out of the holster, but it is stuck. He frantically works on it.) Cowboy: BANG! (scout flies backward and then gets up rubbing his chest.) Scout : DANG! That hurts! Well, now you're in for it! (scout works on the gun until he gets it out of the holster. He stands at the side of the mechanical cowboy, inserts a quarter, and holds his gun right up to cowboy's head in anticipation.) Cowboy: So, you think you're fast? Put on the gun and holster at my feet and on the count of 3, Draw! Scout : Yeah, that's right! Here we go! Cowboy: 1... 2... 3... 3... 3... 3... (scout moves around to the front and hits cowboy on the shoulder to jar him back into operation.) Cowboy: Draw! BANG! (scout flies backward and then gets up rubbing his chest.) Scout : Man, that's gonna leave a mark! (scout stands behind the mechanical cowboy, inserts a quarter, and holds his gun right up to cowboy's head.) Cowboy: So, you think you're fast? Put on the gun and holster at my feet and on the count of 3, Draw! Scout : Boy, this is gonna be great! Cowboy: 1... 2... (He runs out of power on '2', and bends his head down and stops.) Scout : What!? No way! I don't believe it. What a waste of quarters. (He puts his gun in the holster, takes it off, and places it at the feet of the cowboy. As he turns and walks away, the cowboy comes back to life.) Cowboy: ... 3 Draw! BANG! (scout jumps and yelps, holding his backside.) Scout : Dag nab it! Now, I'm really mad! No more horsing around. This here's my last quarter! (scout picks up the holster, puts it on, and gets into a good gunfighting pose right in front of the cowboy.) Cowboy: So, you think you're fast? Put on the gun and holster at my feet and on the count of 3, Draw! Scout : Darn right! I'm gonna show you who's fast! Cowboy: 1 - BANG! 2 - BANG! 3 - BANG! DRAW - BANG! (He shoots after each number. The scout gets hit in the chest first and spins around, then yelps and jumps grabbing his backside on each 'BANG' as he runs offstage.)

Mosquito Memories
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Notes:	You can spell out any word, but having the participants seriously say their parts while the audience figures out the word makes it fun.
Script:	This is good for a campfire towards the end of a week at camp. Each of the eight speakers holds up a large card showing his letter. M is for the Memories we share tonight - the memories of camp. O is for the Opportunities we have to grow together, to learn new skills, and to share fellowship around this campfire tonight. S is for the Super things we have done here and the Super scouts we have met and made our friends. Q is for the Quiet times we experience - times to reflect and give thanks. U is for the Ultimate peacefulness of the outdoors. I is for the Inspiration we receive from nature and from our friends. T is for the Terrific leaders who have been with us at camp. O is for the Obstacles we've overcome this week. Put them all together, and what do you have? MOSQUITO! Other words to try: OATMEAL THUNDER anything that would have humorous meaning from the events of camp.

Musical Toilet Seats
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts cardboard toilet seat cutouts (optional)
Script:	(one scout is a door to door salesman, selling Musical Toilet Seats. Other three scouts are placed around stage, each at their own homes) (salesman walks up to 'door' of first customer and pretends to knock. Customer walks to door and opens it.) Salesman: Good morning, sir, I'd like to show you the newest thing in modern electronic technology. I've developed the new musical toilet seat. Would you be interested in buying this modern day marvel? Customer #1: What music does it play? Salesman: Why, I have a complete library of songs, just tell me what you'd like. Customer #1: Do you have one that plays Dixie? Salesman: Absolutely! Here you go! (hands him a seat and gets paid.) Salesman: I'll check back tomorrow to make sure you are happy with your purchase. Thank you! (customer closes door, salesman walks to next house) (Repeat for customer #2 who asks for 'Yellow Submarine') (Repeat for customer #3 who asks for 'Star Spangled Banner') the next day... (salesman knocks on customer #1's door) Salesman: How did you like the musical toilet seat? Customer #1: It was great! It played Dixie and I sat there with a bucket of fried chicken enjoying each note. Salesman: Wonderful! Nice doing business with you. (salesman knocks on customer #2's door) Salesman: How did you like the musical toilet seat? Customer #2: Just fine. It played Yellow Submarine and I pretended I was bombing the submarine. Salesman: Whatever! Nice doing business with you. (salesman knocks on customer #3's door) Salesman: How did you like the musical toilet seat? Customer #3: Awful, just awful! I want you to take it back! Salesman: What? You are my first unsatisfied customer ever! Why don't you like it? Customer #3: Every time I sit down to go, it starts playing the Star Spangled Banner and I have to stand up and salute!

My Royal Papers
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	at least 2 scouts chair toilet paper roll any number of other types of paper
Script:	(leader is King, or President, or Gang Boss and is sitting on a chair center stage facing audience.) Leader: Bring me my [Royal, Presidential, Important] papers! (a scout runs up to him with a newspaper.) Leader: Those are NOT my Royal papers. (throws them aside.) Leader: Bring me my Royal papers now! (a scout runs up to him with notebook paper.) Leader: Those are NOT my Royal papers. (throws them aside.) (repeat with paper towels, wrapping paper, brown paper bag, ...) Leader: Bring me my Royal papers now! (a scout runs up to him with roll of toilet paper.) Leader: Aaaaaah, FINALLY! My Royal papers! (and hugs the roll to his chest as he runs offstage needing to use the toilet.)

My Worm
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	a leader 1 or more scouts
Notes:	an adult is leading a group on a hike with one whining scout.
Script:	(group enters stage as if on a long hike, somewhat tired out by now. Only the scout and leader have parts.) (the scout always talks in a whiny, screachy voice.) Scout : I'm tired. I want a break. Leader: No, we still have 4 miles to hike before we get back to the trailhead. Scout : But, I'm tired. I'll tell my Mom if we don't stop. Leader: Oh, all right. Everybody halt! Take a 2 minute rest. Scout : I want to sit down. Leader: The ground's all muddy. Go ahead if you want to be a sloppy mess. (scout sits down. Then, looks up at leader.) Scout : Sit down with me. Leader: No, I'm not getting all muddy. Scout : I'll tell my Mom. Leader: I don't care. I'm not getting all muddy. Scout : I'll tell my Dad. Leader: Oh, all right! (leader plops down next to scout and shakes mud off his hands.) Scout : Oh, look! A big worm. Pick it up for me. Leader: No, pick it up yourself. Scout : I'll tell my Mom. Leader: Go ahead, I don't care. Scout : I'll tell my Dad. Leader: So what. Scout : I'll tell your wife. Leader: OK! OK! I've got your worm, see? Scout : Break it in half for me. Leader: No! That's disgusting! Scout : Do it or I'll tell your wife. Leader: No! Go ahead and tell her. Scout : I'll cry! (starts crying loudly. All the scouts cover their ears and leader frantically breaks worm in half.) Leader: There! There! It's broken already. Scout : Eat half of it. Leader: No! (scout starts crying almost as loud as he can and watching the leader. Leader finally eats half the worm, gagging on it. But, the scout cries even louder.) Leader: Stop! I ate half the worm. Why won't you stop? Scout : (pauses in his screaming) You ate MY HALF! (screams some more)

Need a Big Jerk
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts and one volunteer (good-humored victim)
Script:	One scout is a lawnmower that will not start. Scout #1 is trying to start the lawnmower. Lawnmower coughs and sputters each attempt. Scout #2 walks on, asks what's wrong, and gives it a try. Lawnmower still does not start. Scout #3 tries with no luck. Scouts ask for someone really strong from the audience to help them. When the volunteer tries, the lawnmower starts right up on the first attempt. Scout #1: Wow, thanks! I guess it just needed a big jerk!

Need the Time
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	at least two scouts a few stumps, chairs, or a bench a sheet of newspaper a marker (optional)
Script:	Scout is reading the newspaper while sitting on a bench. #1: What a beautiful day. And, I see the Yankees won again. Ho-hum, I think I'll rest a bit. (He lays down and puts the newspaper over his face. Each time the sleeping scout gets a little grumpier about being woken up. Another scout walks up and shakes his shoulder.) #2: Hey buddy, you got the time? #1: Huh? Yeah, it's 3:40. #2: Thanks, buddy. (and walks off) #3: Hey buddy, you got the time? #1: Huh? Yeah, it's 3:45. #3: Thanks, buddy. (and walks off) #4: Hey buddy, you got the time? #1: Huh? Yeah, it's 3:50. #4: Thanks, buddy. (and walks off) #1: That's it! I'm tired of people asking me for the time. This will take care of that. (He writes, or pretends to write, on the newspaper as he says out loud...) I DON'T HAVE THE TIME! There, that should do it. (He lays down to sleep with the newspaper over his face) #5: Hey, what's this say? (looking at newspaper) I Don't Have The Time. (He shakes the sleepers shoulder to wake him up.) #1: What? #2: (looks at his watch) I've got the time - it's 3:55. Have a nice day! (as he walks off)

New Fathers
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	at least 5 scouts
Script:	(Four fathers are pacing nervously around the waiting room, waiting for news from the doctor about their new babies) Doctor enters the room. Doctor: Mr. Smith? (Mr. Smith steps forward in nervous anticipation.) Mr. Smith: Yes, yes! Doctor: Mr. Smith, you are the proud father of healthy twins. Mr. Smith: Wow, what a coincidence. I'm a pitcher for the Minnesota Twins! (Mr. Smith and doctor exit while others continue to pace) Doctor: Mr. Jones? Mr. Jones: Yes, that's me. What news? Doctor: Mr. Jones, you are the proud father of healthy triplets. Mr. Jones: Wow, another coincidence. I work at 3M. (Mr. Jones and doctor exit while pacing continues) Doctor: Mr. Doe? Mr. Doe: Yes, sir. Tell me, quick! Doctor: Mr. Doe, you are the proud father of healthy quadruplets. Mr. Doe: Well, that's amazing. I'm the news anchor for Channel Four! (As doctor and Mr. Doe start to exit, the last father starts yelling.) Last Father: Oh No! I can't take it! There's no way! (doctor comes back to him and grabs him by the shoulders.) Doctor: Man, get ahold of yourself. What's the problem? Last Father: It's awful. I'm a store manager for Seven-Eleven! With more scouts, you could come up with additional fathers for Five, Six, Seven, ... and have the last father be a quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers.

New Underwear
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 or more scouts
Script:	(All hike onstage in single file and Lead Scout stops them center stage) Lead Scout: Well, guys, we've had a pretty tough time of it out here the past four days camping in the rain and mud with no showers and a broken latrine. There's only two more days of camp left and I've got some Good News and some Bad News. The good news is: we all get a change of underwear! (everyone cheers) The bad news is: you change with him, you change with him, you change with him, ...

No Fishing
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	(one scout is sitting on the bank of a stream or lake, fishing the day away. The game warden walks up.) Warden: Hey, there! Didn't you see this NO FISHING sign? (points to pretend sign) Fisherman: Why, yes sir, mister warden sir, I did. And, I am not fishing. Warden: What?!? You have a fishing pole with a worm on the end of the line. You ARE fishing! Fisherman: Oh, no sir! I'm teaching my pet worm to swim! Warden: OK, then. What about this bucket of fish here. There's 3 nice ones swimming around in it. You must have caught them! I'm putting you under arrest! Fisherman: Oh, no sir! Those are my pet fish. I've trained them to come when I call them. Warden: No way! Fish aren't smart enough to do that. Fisherman: Here, I'll prove it if you want me to. Warden: OK, prove it. (fisherman picks up bucket and talks to fish.) Fisherman: Hey, Bubbles. Good fishy, Puddles. Awww, that's a good boy, Flipper. Now, I need you to show the nice officer how well trained you are. When I whistle, you all come back now, you hear? Good fish! OK, here we go... (pretends to toss the fish out of the bucket into the lake and sets down on the bucket.) (after a pause of 10 seconds, the Warden gets suspicious.) Warden: Well, go ahead and whistle for your fish. Fisherman: What fish?

Not Enough Parachutes
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts Pilot, President, Scout, Smartest Man in the World
Preparation:	line up 4 chairs in a column sideways to the audience. These are the seats on the plane. Pilot stands by the plane.
Notes:	scouts should sit with scout in back, then smart man, then president, then pilot in front.
Script:	Pilot: (to arriving passenger) Good afternoon. Please tell me who you are so I can cross-check our passenger list. President: (quite importantly) I am the President of the United States. Pilot: Welcome aboard, Mr. President. Please take a seat. Pilot: (to arriving passenger) Good afternoon. Please tell me who you are so I can cross-check our passenger list. Smart Man: (very importantly) I am the Smartest Man in the World. I've just been awarded this wonderful 'Smart Guy' award and I'm heading to my laboratory to think about important things. Pilot: Welcome aboard, sir. Please take a seat. Pilot: (to arriving passenger) Good afternoon. Please tell me who you are so I can cross-check our passenger list. Person: I am a Scout on my way to [make up something specific for your group]. Pilot: Welcome aboard. Please take a seat. Pilot: (takes seat in cockpit) This is your pilot. We are cleared for take-off. Please buckle your seatbelts and enjoy the ride. (plane takes off and everyone looks out the windows for a few seconds.) Pilot: (looks nervously at controls. Taps instruments, then addresses passengers) I'm sorry to report that we have a major malfunction. The plane is losing altitude and we will crash in 2 minutes. We will need to parachute to safety. Please follow me. (as he walks to rear of plane, president, smartest man, and scout fall in behind him.) (pilot counts parachutes and addresses passengers.) Pilot: I have more bad news. We only have 3 parachutes. President: (pushing past pilot to rear and grabbing a parachute) I am the President! My country needs me! (and he jumps out) Smart Man: (pushing past pilot to rear and grabbing a parachute) I am the world's Smartest Man! I must live so I can do important things! (and he jumps out) Pilot: (to scout) Well, there's only one chute left. You take it. I guess the pilot will go down with his ship. Scout : Actually, there are 2 chutes left. Pilot: Really? How is that possible? Scout : Well, the Smartest Man in the World just jumped out with my knapsack!

Nuts, the Elephant
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	large grey blanket 4 scouts 1 cup of water
Preparation:	2 scouts bend over at waist, 2nd holding waist of first. Put blanket over them to create an elephant. 2nd scout holds a cup of water in one hand at the waist of the first.
Script:	Remember, the elephant's name is 'NUTS' - that is important. It's also important to have a volunteer you are pretty sure can take a joke and getting wet. Trainer: Ladies and Gentlemen, have we got a treat for you today! Please welcome my new trained elephant, 'NUTS!'. "Come, Nuts!" - and the elephant walks onstage. "Stop, Nuts!" - and the elephant stops. Trainer: Folks, you will be amazed at the tricks NUTS can do. Watch this. "Sit, Nuts!" - the back end squats down. "Stand, Nuts!" - the back comes up. Trainer: NUTS is so well trained, he can walk over people. I will need a couple volunteers for this trick. I promise he will not step on you. (it may take some coaxing to get two volunteers) Have volunteers lay down on the floor beside each other with space between. Trainer: "Walk, Nuts!" From the back of the room, as NUTS is stepping over the volunteers, the last scout walks forward, shouting: "Pea-nuts! Pea-nuts! Get your Pea-nuts here!" (and, of course, the 2nd scout in the elephant lifts one leg and pours the cup of water.)

Oh What a Goose I Am
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	1 scout 3 or more victims chair or table
Preparation:	Scout sits cross-legged on table top or chair, looking mystic.
Script:	Shaman: I am the Supernatural Shaman. I have been enlightened and now understand everything about everything. Shaman: Today, I will share my enlightenment with a few of you here that are most in need. (With a look of extreme concentration, call forward a few of the leaders.) Shaman: My mystic powers tell me that here today we DO have leaders in need of enlightenment. Mr. ________, Mr. ________, Ms. _______, ... - you are in need. Please approach my mightiness so I may aid you in your efforts to Do Your Best. (hopefully, the people will come forward. you may need to add a little more coaxing and ask their scouts to help get them up to the stage.) (once they are all present.) Shaman: I have discovered the secret to better leadership, inner peace, and better rest. It is a simple mantra to be repeated every morning upon waking. I will now teach you so that you may prosper and you may teach it to others, being the great leaders that you are. Shaman: Now, repeat after me. Shaman: (puts arms straight down) OWHA! Shaman: (puts arms straight out) TAGOO! Shaman: (puts arms straight up) SIAM! Shaman: Very Good! The meaning of this mantra is ancient and difficult to translate, but it pretty much means "We're #1!" Shaman: Try the mantra one more time. (repeats leading it.) Shaman: Good, I think you have it! The enlightenment comes from rapid repetition of the mantra in time with those around you so we will practice that now just to be sure you have it. Please form a line facing the audience. Shaman: Do the mantra again. (repeats leading it.) Shaman: Repeat it faster now. Shaman: Faster. Shaman: Faster! Keep going! (as they do it faster, the words will slur into OwhatagooseIam - oh, what a goose I am.

Ole, Champion Tree Climber A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Notes:	This is a campfire skit and works best outside where there are bushes and trees. It is an MC run-on to fill in between other skits.
Script:	MC: (to audience) You are lucky to be here this evening. You will witness a tree climbing demonstration by the world-record tree climber, Ole Petersen. Ole, come on down! Ole: Hiya, it's sure good to be here, yah! MC: Well, Ole, are you ready to demonstrate your skills? Go ahead and find a tree out there and start climbing! (Ole runs offstage left or right into the woods out of sight. MC gives him a while to start 'climbing') MC: Ole! How high are you? Ole: Oh, I'd say I'm about 25 feet up. It's pretty hard climbing. MC: Well, we'll check in with Ole after this next [skit, song, announcement,...] (do another skit. When it is finished, check in with Ole) MC: Hey, Ole, how high are you now? Ole: Oh, I'd say I'm up about 50 feet now! The air's getting a little thin. MC: Wow! He's doing great! Keep it up, Ole! We'll check in with Ole after this next skit. MC: Hey, Ole, how high are you now? Ole: Oh, I'd say I'm up about 100 feet now! I can see for miles up here! MC: Ole! The tallest trees in this forest are only 70 feet! Ole: Aaaaaaaaaahhhh! (make crashing noise in bushes)

Olive the Other Reindeer
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	Announcer: (very enthusiastically) Good evening everyone! Tonight, one lucky member of our audience will win $10,000 - if he correctly answers our skill question! (Scans the audience and picks out the planted helper) You, sir, would you like a chance at this great prize? Helper: You bet! (Leaves the audience and joins the announcer on the stage) Announcer: Today's question is: "Name two of Santa's reindeer!" You have 5 seconds to think about it. No help from the audience, please. (Make buzzer sound) Time's up! Now, give me one of the two reindeer names. Helper: Oh, I know - Rudolph! Announcer: (jumping with joy) Yes! That's absolutely correct! Just one more name and you've won $10,000! Now, for $10,000 what is your second reindeer's name? Helper: (Thinks and scratches his head) Hmmm, now how does that song go? Let's see ... Ah, I've got it! Olive! Announcer: What? Olive! Whoever heard of a reindeer named Olive? Helper: They sing about her in the song about Rudolph. They sing "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!"

Olympic Blanket Tossing Team
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	This takes about six scouts, who form a circle around an invisible blanket, with a small invisible guy (Bruce) who sits in the middle of the invisible blanket and gets tossed. Having a rope tied into a circle makes a good fke blanket. Leader:We're the Olympic blanket tossing team, and Bruce in the middle here is our star blanket bouncer. We'll toss Bruce a bit just to warm up. One, two, three! One, two, three! One, two, three! (On three each time, the team lets the pretend blanket go slack, then pull it taught. They watch the invisible Bruce go up in the air, then come down, and then gently catch him again in the blanket. Each time they toss him higher. The team has to be in sync, and they have to watch about the same spot : the easiest way to do this is to have everyone just imitate the leader, who is the speaker.) Leader: OK, are we all limbered up now? The team murmers in agreement. Leader: OK, then let's toss Bruce a bit higher. One, two, three! (Bruce goes up, and the team adjusts their position a bit to catch him as he comes down.) Leader: One, two, three! (This time, wait about five to seven seconds, and move quite a bit to get under him. Move this way and that before finally catching him.) Leader: One, two, three! (fifteen seconds this time, almost loose track of him, adjust the position here, there, and here again.) Leader: What? What's that you say, Bruce? Audience, you are in luck! Bruce wants to go for the world record blanket toss! Leader: Ready team? One! Two! Thu-reee!!! (A mighty toss! The team shifts positions, like trying to catch a high fly ball.) Leader: There he goes! He's past the trees! He's really up there! (looking hard into the sky) Do you see him? I've lost him. Where'd he go? Oh well. (The team leaves the stage, and the program continues.) After another skit and song, and preferably in the middle of awards or announcements of some sort... Leader: Hey, there's Bruce! Quick team! (The blanket tossing team runs back on stage, positions themselves this way and that, and catches Bruce.) Leader: Let's have a big hand for Bruce! Yeay!!!

One Bright Morning A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	All Scouts
Notes:	This is a monologue poem. It's more fun to tell it in a scary story voice around a campfire.
Script:	I come before you, to stand behind you, To tell you something I know nothing about. Admission is free, so pay at the door; Pull up a chair and sit on the floor. Early this morning late last night Two dead soldiers began to fight. Back to back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot each other. A legless donkey passing by Kicked both men right in the eye. It knocked them over a 10 foot wall Into a ditch and drowned them all. A deaf policeman heard their cries And came and shot those two dead guys. If you don't believe this story's true, Ask the blind man - he saw it too!

Operation
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 scouts a sheet of paper bright spotlight large white sheet table frying pan or wooden mallet stuffed toy, coiled rope, tin can, ... selection of items in a box
Preparation:	the table is set up center stage with the bright light behind it and almost at the same height as the table, aiming at audience. Two scouts are needed to hold the sheet up between the audience and table Doctor needs to set the box on the floor behind the table and place all the items on the table while being shielded from the audience and the light is off.
Script:	Doctor and nurse are in his office. Scout comes running in, holding a sheet of paper in his hand. Scout: Hey, Doc, I really need your help. Doctor: Certainly! Nurse, anesthetize the patient! Scout: But, Doc! (Nurse pulls out mallet or frying pan and pretends to thump scout on the head.) Scout 'falls' onto his back on the table so his head is at one end and his feet at the other. All the items are beside him on the table. The nurse turns on the spotlight. Doctor cuts open the patient's stomache and pulls out items one at a time and tosses them aside. The fun is in the shadows cast on the sheet as he pulls items out. He might adlib for each item he finds. Occasionally, the patient can begin to "come to" and say "BUT, DOC!" and the nurse should quickly thump him again as soon as he starts to talk. Finally, the doctor finishes and sews up the patient. The sheet is lowered. Doctor: There, all done! Wake up, sir! You should feel much better now. Scout: But, Doc! (holds up paper) I just needed your help in finding this address!

Out of Film
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	6 scouts Lead Actor as "Black Bart" Supporting actor as "The Sheriff" Supporting actor as "The stagecoach" Supporting actor as "The Crier" The Director The Cameraman
Notes:	The cameraman needs to be persistent but not forceful so the director makes him wait.
Script:	A big movie studio is filming the new western action film "Black Bart Returns". Director sits in chair, cameraman stands by him. Other actors are on the side of the stage, waiting for their cues. Director: Places, everyone, places! Cameraman: (somewhat timidly) Excuse me, sir... Director: Not now, we're doing this scene Now! OK, ACTION! (cameraman pretends to hold up his camera and film the scene) Crier: (runs to center stage) Black Bart is Back in town!!! (runs offstage) Black Bart: (swaggering to center stage) Where's that no-good, weak-kneed, yella-bellied, candy-eatin', jelly-spined sheriff? Sheriff: (entering from offstage) Ah'm right here, Black Bart! And, you're not welcome in this town! (they face each other and as Black Bart draws his gun, the sheriff draws faster and shoots him dead.) Director: CUT! Not bad, but it needs to be more [graceful, violent, tearful, manly, a musical, ... whatever silly ways you can think of] Take it from the top. Places! (whatever way the director says, the actors will go way overboard in that manner. Like dancing like ballerinas instead of swaggering) Cameraman: I'm sorry sir, I really need to talk to you... Director: Be quiet! OK, ACTION! (cameraman pretends to hold up his camera and film the scene) (repeat the director demanding something different and the cameraman trying to tell him something a couple more times. For the last take, the director says...) Director: OK, put all that together and get it right this time! Cameraman: But, sir, I can't... Director: Shut up! OK, ACTION! (cameraman pretends to hold up his camera and film the scene) Director: Terrific! That was perfect. Ok, let me see how that looked in the camera. (All the actors congratulate each other and are very relieved to finally be done with the scene. Director goes up to cameraman and starts looking in viewer.) Cameraman: I'm sorry sir, I've been trying to tell you - There's no film in the camera! (everyone chases the cameraman offstage)

Outrun the Bear
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts wearing boots. pair of tennis shoes.
Preparation:	Scout #2 should have his boots very loosely laced so they can come off quickly.
Script:	(scouts sitting center stage as if they are keeping warm around a campfire) Scout #1: Nice fire. Scout #2: Yep, nice night too. (pause) Scout #1: What was that? Did you hear something? Scout #2: Yep, sounded like a bear to me. Off over that way. (points offstage. Then, starts untieing his boots.) (pause until his boots are about off.) Scout #1: Hey! There it is again. Sounds closer. (from here on, #1 sould occasionally glance over his shoulder toward the bear and looking scared.) Scout #2: Yep, sure does. (has boots off and starts slipping on tennis shoes.) Scout #1: What are you doing? Scout #2: I'm just putting on my tennis shoes. Scout #1: Duh! WHY are you putting on your tennis shoes? Scout #2: Because it sounds like that bear is heading right into our camp. Scout #1: But, bears are much faster than you - those shoes won't help you outrun that bear. Scout #2: I don't have to outrun the bear - I just have to outrun you! (both scouts run offstage away from the bear, with #2 in the lead and #1 clomping after him and screaming.)

Over the Cliff
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	Scene: One scout is standing at the top of a high cliff, peering down over the edge. Scout 1: 38, 38, 38, 38, ... Scout 2: (walks up behind first scout ) Hey, be careful there! What are you doing? Scout 1: Take a look! There's 38 of 'em down there! Scout 2: (peers over the edge) 38? 38 what? I don't see anything. (Scout 1 gives him a gentle push on the back, just enough to send him over the edge.) Scout 1: 39, 39, 39, ...

Panda Bear in Restaurant
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	4 scouts 4 chairs
Preparation:	Scout #1 and #2 are sitting in chairs as if they are eating a meal at a restaurant. The other 2 chairs are set up at a different 'table' on stage. Scout #3 and #4 are offstage.
Notes:	The punch line needs to be read loudly and clearly.
Script:	Scouts #3 and #4 enter the restaurant and find a place to sit. Scout #3: My, this is a very nice restaurant. The menu looks great and the place is nice! Scout #4: Yes, it got great reviews and the prices are sure high. (looking around and seeing the scouts at the other table.) But, I wonder why they would let such an animal eat in here? Scout #3: Animal? what animal? Oh, that black and white one there? (points at scout #1) (Scout #1 quickly stands, pulls a gun, and shoots Scout #2. Scout #2 falls dead and #1 runs offstage) Scout #3: Did you see that? Scout #4: Yes, that animal just shot him! What kind of an animal would do such a thing? Scout #3: I think it was a panda bear. Scout #4: Let me look that up in my pocket encyclopedia. Let's see... Yes! "Panda Bear; Eats Shoots and Leaves."

Panther Tracks
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	Scout 1: Hey! Look at thest animal tracks. I wonder what they are? Scout 2: They look like cat tracks to me - BIG cat tracks. Scout 1: Hmmmmm, you don't suppose they're Mountain Lion tracks, do you? Scout 2: I don't know. Let's look closer. (both bend way over to inspect) Scout 1: Look - here's a broken twig in this track. Hey - here's a squished bug in this one. Looks like a fire ant. Scout 2: Aha! Panther Tracks! Scout 1: Panther? How do you know they're panther tracks? Scout 2: Close Observation, young grasshopper. See here? And here? More fire ants. Scout 1: So? Just because some bugs got stepped on, how do you know it's a Panther? Scout 2: That's easy. Follow the pattern with me. (walking across stage, pointing to each track, singing the Pink Panther tune...) Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Aaaaant, Deeeeeead Ant"

Penguin Soup
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 or more scouts
Script:	(scouts stand in line except for patrol leader.) Leader: Patrol ATTENTION! (scouts snap to attention.) Leader: This patrol is the BEST patrol in the troop! To become the best, we have practiced our skills, gotten lots of exercise and sleep, and most importantly gotten great nutrition! We have discovered the one food source that makes us the BEST! (faces Scout #1) Leader:Scout! What did you have for breakfast? Scout : Penguin soup, sir! Leader: That's right! Penguin soup is the best way to start the day! (faces Scout #2) Leader:Scout! What did you have for lunch? Scout : Penguin soup, sir! Leader: That's right! Penguin soup is the best way to keep up your energy on those long days of adventure! (faces Scout #3.) Leader:Scout! What did you have for supper? Scout : Penguin soup, sir! Leader: That's right! Penguin soup keeps our bodies strong all night long! Leader: So, Patrol, what do we eat for breakfast? Scouts: Penguin soup, sir! Leader: What do we eat for lunch? Scouts: Penguin soup, sir! Leader: What do we eat for supper? Scouts: Penguin soup, sir! Leader: That's right. Left face! Forward, march! (entire line of scouts waddles like penguins offstage.)

Penny Candy
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts - Narrator, Storekeeper, Kid
Notes:	You could act this out between other skits or songs with one day being done each scene.
Script:	(store keeper is dusting his counter, waiting for customers to come into his candy store.) Narrator: One day in a candy shop... Storekeeper: What a great day! There will be lots of kids buying candy today! Kid: Hi, I'd like 5 of those penny candies up on the top shelf. (points way up behind storekeeper) Storekeeper: You mean those candies waaaaay up there? (points up) Kid: Yep! (storekeeper turns and climbs up, up, up a pretend ladder, gets the candies, and brings them down.) Storekeeper: That'll be 5 cents, please. Kid: Here you go. Thanks! (Kid leaves) Narrator: The next day... (storekeeper is dusting countertop when kid enters) Kid: Hi, I'd like 5 of those penny candies up on the top shelf. (points way up behind storekeeper) Storekeeper: You mean those candies waaaaay up there? (points up) Kid: Yep! (storekeeper turns and slowly climbs up, up, up a pretend ladder, gets the candies, and brings them down.) Storekeeper: That'll be 5 cents, please. Kid: Here you go. Thanks! (Kid leaves) (repeat this at least once more, with the storekeeper getting more tired each time, until finally...) Narrator: The next day... (storekeeper is dusting countertop when kid enters) Storekeeper: Aha! I see that kid coming. I know what he's going to buy so I'll get the candies ready for him. (he climbs up and gets 5 candies) (kid enters) Storekeeper: Hello, I bet I know what you want - 5 candies from way up on top, right? Kid: Nope, not today. Storekeeper: (big sigh) Oh, then wait a minute while I put these back. (climbs all the way up, puts the candies away, and climbs down) Storekeeper: OK, what WOULD you like today? Kid: I only have 3 cents so I would like THREE of those penny candies up on the top shelf!

Pink Cadillac
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	3 scouts
Script:	(Guide is laying down center stage with his ear to the ground as if listening for something.) (2 hunters walk on stage and look at guide) Hunter #1: What's with this lazy good for nothing guide? We're paying him good money to help us hunt and he's laying down! Where did you get this guy? He's laying in the middle of the road! Hunter #2: Relax. My buddy said he was really good. He's probably listening for wild animals. (Hunters walk over to Guide) Hunter #2: Well, what is it? Guide: (without moving) Two guys in a pink Cadillac. The grill is missing and it has a broken headlight. The paint is scraped on the right fender. The driver is wearing a green coat and a cowboy hat. The other guy is wearing a brown coat and a stocking cap. Hunter #2: See? I told you he was good! Hunter #1: Amazing! You mean you can tell all that just from listening to the ground? Guide: No way! They just ran over me!

Plane Engine Trouble
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 or more scouts chairs for each Can lid or something to make a crash sound.
Preparation:	line chairs up to create an airplane seating layout. Have the pilot in front. All scouts come in and sit down.
Script:	Pilot: This is your pilot. We have reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet. Please relax and enjoy the ride. We should arrive in approximately 2 hours. (Pause) (Pilot hits lid to make crash sound.) (all passengers look around confused and frightened.) Pilot: Some of you may have noticed a slight disturbance. That was our #4 engine. It had a malfunction and is not working. Please do not be alarmed, we will still make the trip but it will now take 3 hours. (passengers complain a little and look disappointed.) (pause) (Pilot hits lid to make crash sound.) (all passengers look around confused and frightened.) Pilot: Don't be worried, everyone. That was our #3 engine. The fuel line broke. We'll still make the trip but it will now take 5 hours. (passengers complain a little and look disappointed.) (pause) (Pilot hits lid to make crash sound.) (all passengers look around confused and frightened.) Pilot: Sorry, a little more bad news. That was our #2 engine. A seagull ran into it and it's offline. I'm afraid our trip will now take 7 hours. (passengers complain a little and look disappointed.) (pause) (Pilot hits lid to make crash sound.) (all passengers look around confused and frightened.) Pilot: (in a paniced voice) People, that was our #1 engine! Passenger: Oh Great! Now we're gonna be stuck up here all day!

Poopy
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	(two scouts on a hike, whistling through the woods) Scout #1: Hey, watch out! That might be poopy Scout #2: Smell it to see if it smells like poopy Scout #1: (smells it) Yep, smells like poopy Scout #2: Touch it to see if it feels like poopy Scout #1: (touchs it) Yep, feels like poopy Scout #2: Taste it to see if it tastes like poopy Scout #1: (tastes it) Yep, tastes like poopy Both: It's POOPY! Scout #2: Whew! Good thing we didn't step in it. (they continue their hike around the poopy and offstage)

Poor Conductor
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	5 to 8 scouts
Preparation:	2 scouts are train passengers, 1 scout is the conductor, 2 scouts are police. 1 scout is judge and 1 scout is executioner.
Script:	(conductor enters train car and approaches passengers) conductor: Tickets, please. (passengers hand him their tickets and he punches them. He then draws out a gun and points it at the passengers.) conductor: OK, now give me all your money! passenger #1: What's this? Why should we give you our money? conductor: I'm a Poor Conductor and I need your money. passenger #1: No! (conductor shoots them and takes their money. Just then, two police run up and grab him and haul him away to the judge) Judge: What are the charges against this man? Police #1: He killed two train passengers and stole their money. conductor: But, judge I'm just a Poor Conductor. I needed their money. Judge: What!?! That's no excuse. You will be executed immediately. Take him away. (police escort him to the executioner with the judge following and strap him in a chair) conductor: No, don't kill me. I'm just a Poor Conductor and I needed their money. (Judge points at the executioner who throws the switch. Conductor twitches and jerks like he's being electrocuted but does not die.) Judge: What went wrong? Why isn't he dead? Executioner: I don't understand. That was enough electricity to kill a bull elephant! conductor: I TOLD YOU - I'm a POOR CONDUCTOR!

Professor's Address
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	First scout stands at center stage while second scout stands off to side of stage, adjusting glasses, smoothing hair, etc. Scout 1: Ladies and gentlemen, today we have the great fortune to have with us, one of the most knowledgable scientists of our age. He has won uncountable awards for his inventions, theories, and experiments. Through his work, our world has seen great improvements in environment, social quality, and technical efficiency. Scout 1: His works are only overshadowed by his ability to explain and teach these extremely complicated ideas to other normal people such as you and me. We are very lucky to have him here today to talk with us. So, please welcome the most honorable, Professor Plintnick. (pause and lead clapping while second person walks to center stage) Scout 1: Professor Plintnick will now give his address. (first scout walks offstage) Scout 2: (adjust glasses, smooth hair, and clear throat) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My address is 1486 Sycamore Lane. Thank you. (walks offstage)

Pulling and Pushing Rope
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts a big rope a big rope with a long, stiff wire through the center of it to make it stiff.
Script:	One scout takes center stage and begins explaining the next skit or announcement. Then, the second scout enters, dragging a rope around in front of the first scout and around him. Scout #1: What are you doing? Scout #2: Pulling a rope around. Scout #1: Why!?! Scout #2: You don't expect me to PUSH it do you? (#2 exits and #1 begins talking again while #3 enters pushing the stiff rope and circles #1) Scout #1: What do you think you're doing? Scout #3: Pushing a rope around of course. Anyone can PULL a rope, but it takes real skill to PUSH one! (#1 can chase #3 off stage)

Puppy In a Box
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts a box optional stuffed dog
Script:	Scout #2 and #3 are standing center stage. Scout #1 walks up to them carrying a box. Scout #1: Hi, guys. Would you mind holding onto my box for me while I go in the store to buy some candy? I'll get you each a piece. Scout #2: Sure. (takes the box and #1 leaves) Scout #2: Hey, this box is leaking. What is that? (#3 wipes the box bottom with his finger and tastes it.) Scout #3: Hmmm, tastes like chicken soup. Scout #2: (takes a taste) Nah, its more like lemon juice. (Scout #1 returns) Scout #1: Thanks, guys. Here's your candy. (opens top of box and looks in. Pulls out stuffed dog.) Scout #1: Oh, Fido! Look at the mess you made!

Quazimoto, the Bell Ringer
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	4 or more scouts a blanket
Preparation:	One person is Quazimoto, the hunchback of Notre Dame. One scout is a man with no arms. (keep arms inside shirt) One scout is his brother, also with no arms. The rest are policemen.
Script:	(best done as three separate scenes with other skits between) (Scene 1:) Quazi: Oh. Hello there. I'm Quazimoto, the hunchback of Notre Dame. I ring the bells. (He demonstrates pulling the ropes which swings the bells, up, down, up, down, and the big bells ring, bong, bong, bong, bong.) Quazi: It's hard ringing these bells. So I put an ad in the paper for an assistant. (2nd scout comes on stage and knocks at door) Quazi: Oh. That must be him now. (Go down the long winding spiral staircase, still hunched over.) I have a long winding staircase, you know. (Continue going down.) (Open the big heavy door.) Quazi: Hello? No Arms: Hi! I read your ad in the paper, and I want to be your assistant! Quazi: But you don't have any arms. No Arms: I really really really want to ring bells! Please please please, give me a chance! Quazi: Well. OK. Walk this way. (Go up the staircase, hunched and arms dragging) No Arms: I can't, I don't have any arms! (going up perfectly straight with arms behind them) Quazi: OK. Here are the bells. Here is how I ring them (up, down, up, down, bong, bong, bong, bong). I don't know what you're going to do. You don't have any arms. No Arms: I can do it! Just watch! (He gets a running start, then whacks the bell with his face.) Booooong!!! Quazi: Wow...that was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard! Please, Please do it again! (The assistant gets a running start, misses the bell and falls to his death.) Quazi: Ew. Squished bellringer. (Knock knock knock) (Quazimoto descends the staircase) Police: Quazimoto, do you know this man? (Quazimoto turns the guy over, looks at the face, puts him down again.) Quazi: No. But his face rings a bell! (Police drag dead body away while Quazi climbs back up stairs.) (Scene 2:) Quazi: Hmmm, quite a shame about that poor guy yesterday. I hope I get some help today. (No Arms #2 knocks on door. Quazi climbs down staircase again.) Quazi: Hello? No Arms: Hi! I read your ad in the paper, and I want to be your assistant! Quazi: I thought you were dead. Quazi: That was my brother! He so wanted to be a bellringer, that was his life's ambition! His greatest dream! With him dead, I felt that I just had to come and take his place!! Quazi: But you don't have any arms. No Arms: I really really really want to ring bells! Please please please, give me a chance! Quazi: Well. OK. Walk this way. (Go up the staircase, hunched and arms dragging) No Arms: I can't, I don't have any arms! (going up perfectly straight with arms behind them) Quazi: OK. Here are the bells. Here is how I ring them (up, down, up, down, bong, bong, bong, bong). I don't know what you're going to do. You don't have any arms. No Arms: I can do it! Just watch! (He gets a running start, then whacks the bell with his face.) Booooong!!! Quazi: Wow...that was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard! Please, Please do it again! (The assistant gets a running start, misses the bell and falls to his death.) No Arms: AAAAH! (splat) Quazi: Ew. Squished bellringer. (Knock knock knock) (Quazimoto descends the staircase) Police: Quazimoto, do you know this man?? (Quazimoto turns the guy over, looks at the face, puts him down again.) Quazi: No. But he's a dead ringer for the guy that was here yesterday. (Scene 3:) Two scouts run onstage with a blanket stretched between them. They scan the sky as they shuffle around as if preparing to catch something falling from the sky. Quazi: Hey, you two! What are you doing running around outside my belltower? Police: Well, the last two nights someone has jumped from the tower and we're ready for him this time!

Raisin Fly
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 or 5 scouts
Script:	One scout walks across stage pretending a fly is buzzing around his head. Stops at center stage and finally swings and hits it, knocking it to the ground. With a proud look on his face, he brushes his hands together and walks offstage. (scout #2 walks to center stage and spies the fly.) Scout #2: Hey, a dead fly. I love to pull the wings off. (and, he does it. Then, walks offstage) (Scout #3 walks to center stage and spies the fly.) Scout #3: Hey, a dead fly. I love to pull the legs off. (and, he does it. Then, walks offstage) (Scout #4 walks to center stage and spies the fly.) Scout #4: Hey, a dead fly. I love to pull the heads off. (and, he does it. Then, walks offstage) (Scout #5 walks to center stage and spies the fly.) Scout #5: Hey, a raisin! (Picks it up and pops it in his mouth. Then, walks offstage)

Raking an Invisible Garden
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Notes:	Make sure this skit is done right after the Invisible Bench skit. Also, see the Add-Ons to the Invisible Bench skits.
Script:	Scout #1 is onstage, pretending to rake his garden. Scout #2 walksup. Scout #2: What are you doing? Scout #1: Raking an invisible garden! Scout #2: Oooohhhh, just like that last weird skit!

Remember the Titanic
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Preparation:	Captain, 2 favorite sailors, and 1 or more non-favorite sailors all stand onstage.
Script:	Captain: Well, boys, it looks like this is it. We've hit an iceberg and we're sinking fast. The good news is we have a lifeboat right over there. (point offstage). The bad news is there's only room for 3 people. I never did believe in all that Captain going down with his ship nonsense so I'm going to choose who gets to go in the lifeboat with me by asking you some questions. Captain: Sailor #1, on what date did the Titanic sink? Sailor #1: April 15, 1912, sir! Captain: Correct, stand over here. (indicates behind him over towards the lifeboat) Captain: Sailor #2, how many people died? Sailor #1: 1523, sir! Captain: Correct, stand over here. Captain: Sailor #3 (and others), what were their names? (As remaining sailors count off names like Johnson, Smith, ..., on their fingers, Captain and 2 buddies quickly sneak offstage to the lifeboat.)

Reporter Gets a Story
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	4 or more scouts. optional - log to stand on.
Notes:	You can make up other stories for others wanting to jump.
Script:	Scout acting as a Reporter walks on stage and stands behind the log. Reporter: I haven't had a good story in months and if I don't get one today I'll be fired. I'm going to jump off this bridge. (he steps up on log, looking down towards the ground, getting ready to jump. Robber walks on stage, reporter sees him and speaks to him.) Reporter: What happened to you? You look really sad. Robber: I am. I'm a robber and I just robbed a bank, took $75 million dollars, stole an airplane and flew away. Then, I set it on auto-pilot, took a parachute and jumped out. But, I forgot the money! I'm a failure and I'm going to jump off this bridge. Reporter: Sure, there's plenty of room. Come on up. (Basketball player walks on stage.) Reporter: What's wrong with you? Basketball Player: There was 2 seconds left in the NBA championships and I missed the basket that would have won it all. Now, everyone on the team hates me. I'm going to jump off this bridge. Reporter: Gee, that's awful. Come on up. (Clown walks on stage.) Reporter: What's wrong with you? Clown: I'm a clown, but I'm not funny. I scared all the little kids at a birthday party today and I'm going to lose my Clown License tomorrow. I'm here to jump off this bridge. Reporter: Gee, that's awful. Come on up. (everyone is standing on the log.) Reporter: OK, let's all go on the count of 3. Ready. 1, 2, 3! (all jump except the reporter) Reporter: Wow, what a story! Hold the presses! (as he runs offstage) Other lines: I'm a teacher, but I just can't stand those kids any longer. I'm a park ranger, but I hate camping. I'm a scout, but I can't find any little old ladies to help.

Royal Raisins
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	at least 5 scouts
Script:	King: I'm hungry! Bring me my Royal Raisins! 1st Peasant: Here, King, are raisins from the lush valleys of California where they make some of the world's best wine. King: Yuch! These raisins are not fit for my hunting dogs! Bring me my Royal Raisins! 2nd Peasant: Your majesty, from the Champagne valley of France, these raisins are considered the finest in all of Europe. King: Disgusting! I wouldn't serve these to my worst enemy. I want my Royal Raisins! 3rd Peasant: Oh sire, these raisins have graced the tables of world leaders from the Sultan of Siam to Montezuma himself. They are individually picked from fertile vineyards on the hills along the Rhine river in Germany by monks wearing white satin gloves and using bamboo tweezers imported from China and padded with goose down to protect the grapes and then sun-dried on the whitewashed roof of the highest tower in Castle Wolfenstein. King: Blech! Even swine would lift their noses at this rot! Where is my royal raisin supplier? Bring him here now! (the raisin supplier is dragged in by two scouts) King: Where are my Royal Raisins? Why have you not brought them to me? Raisin Supplier: (cowering and tearful) I'm so sorry, my King, but my rabbit has died.

Run-aways
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	You need three scouts to play trees. You need three scouts to be running away from the dogs. You need three scouts to be two dogs and a warden. Three scouts stand on stage, playing the role of trees. Three run-away scouts come running on stage from the side with dogs barking offstage. Run-away #1: Quick, we've got to hide. The warden with his dogs are right behind us! Run-away #2: Hey, climb these trees and pretend to be an animal and they'll never catch us! Run-away #3: Good idea! (all three climb a different tree) (Warden comes on stage, with two dogs barking and sniffing the trail to the first tree. The dogs start barking up the tree.) Run-away #1: Tweet, Tweet, Tweet Warden: Dumb dogs, there's just a bird up there, let's go! (dogs bark and sniff to the 2nd tree) Run-away #2: Meow, Meow, Meow Warden: Dumb dogs, that's just a cat up there. (dogs bar and sniff to 3rd tree) Run-away #3: Mooooooo! (Dogs bark in a frenzy and warden gets the run-away)

Sally Ann Ratchet
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	2 scouts 2 rifles or sticks 2 buckets to sit on canteen or water bucket 2 cups or water bottles
Script:	John-Boy and Jim-Boy enter and sit on their buckets center stage facing the audience. They lay their rifles down. John-Boy: Man, that was a nice shot back there. Never seen nobody get 3 rabbits with one shot before! Jim-Boy: Heck, that weren't nothin'. I once got 5 turkeys with one shot. Now, that was sumpin'! John-Boy: Wall, its just great to be out here with my best friend, Jim-Boy. Sure glad we're friends. Jim-Boy: Yup, me too, John-Boy! We've been friends since kiddie garden and that'll never change. Sorry we haven't been out huntin' much since you moved cross the county. John-Boy: Yeah, I know. But, hey, did I tell ya I got me a new gal-friend? I been seein' her quite a bit. Jim-Boy: Goll-darn! That there's great, John-Boy. I found me a great little gal too. Let's raise a toast to our gals. John-Boy: Great idea! (pours a drink in each cup or each takes up water bottle) Jim-Boy: A toast... Both at same time: To my gal, Sally Ann Ratchet! (both stop with drinks halfway to mouth looking surprised.) John-Boy: What? Amazing! Both our girls gots the same name. Now, ain't that sumpin'? Jim-Boy: Hmmm, sure is. Who'd of thought? John-Boy: Well, let's finish this toast. Jim-Boy: A toast... Both at same time: To my gal, Sally Ann Ratchet! With the red moustache and glass eye! (both stop with drinks halfway to mouth looking surprised. Both try to look a bit suspicious.) John-Boy: Ha! What a deal! Best friends and we gots girlfriends with the same name and beautiful looks. Jim-Boy: Yep, that's pretty amazin'. Ah heck, let's get this over with. Jim-Boy: A toast... Both at same time: To my gal, Sally Ann Ratchet! With the red moustache and glass eye! Who plays harmonica with her nose and whistles out her ear! (both stop with drinks halfway to mouth looking surprised. Acting a bit more suspicious.) John-Boy: Now, come on, Jim-Boy! I'm not liking this much. I'm starting to get a funny feeling and it ain't no 'ha-ha' funny feeling neither. Jim-Boy: Dad-burn it, John-Boy! You better not be messin' with me. It ain't too funny now. John-Boy: I ain't. Now, get on with it already! Jim-Boy: A toast... Both at same time: To my gal, Sally Ann Ratchet! With the red moustache and glass eye! Who plays harmonica with her nose and whistles out her ear! And teaches disco lessons to out-of-work truck drivers. (both stop with drinks halfway to mouth looking very suspicious.) John-Boy: Now that's just too blame much, Jim-Boy! That's MY Sally Ann we're talking about! Jim-Boy: Slow down, John-Boy! If your Sally Ann loved you like my Sally Ann loves me, you've got nothin' to worry about. She wouldn't cheat on you. John-Boy: Yeah, I guess you're right. Blast it! Let's go! Jim-Boy: A toast... Both at same time: To my gal, Sally Ann Ratchet! With the red moustache and glass eye! Who plays harmonica with her nose and whistles out her ear! And teaches disco lessons to out-of-work truck drivers at the Pink Flamingo Bar and Grill. (both stop with drinks halfway to mouth looking very angry John-Boy: Why you stinkin' scoundrel! Jim-Boy: You cheatin' back-stabbin' low-life snake! (both grab their guns and shoot each other) John-Boy: Darn, Jim-Boy! You got me. I'm sorry. We shouldn't never of started this toast. Jim-Boy: I ain't gonna make it, John-Boy. I'm sorry too. At least, let's finish this toast, together, as friends. John-Boy: Ok. Jim-Boy: A toast... Both at same time: To my gal, Sally Ann Ratchet! With the red moustache and glass eye! Who plays harmonica with her nose and whistles out her ear! And teaches disco lessons to out-of-work truck drivers at the Pink Flamingo Bar and Grill... John-Boy: ... in Bloomington. (and dies) Jim-Boy: (looks surprised) What? No, ... in Rosemont! (and dies)

Sammy Scout
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	Trash bags, toiletries, whipped cream, plastic knife.
Preparation:	Two scouts cover up with trash bags so only the head of the scout in front can be seen. They sit on a table or chair.
Script:	Two scouts sit covered by trash bags so they look like just one person. Only the front scout's head pokes out of the trash bag. The M.C. introduces Sammy Scout and says he is going to demonstrate his excellent hygiene and habits to show how a Scout is Clean. He says things like 'Sammy gets up in the morning and brushes his teeth'. The scout in the back reaches around Sammy, acting as his arms and hands. He tries to put toothpaste on a toothbrush and brush Sammy's teeth. The skit continues with grooming hair, shaving (using whipped cream and plastic knife), eating, drinking, etc. The bigger the mess, the bigger the laughs!

Scoutmaster 1.0
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	Scouts Life Letter A can of SPAM wrapped in newspaper Big Cardboard Cut-Out of an Hourglass (3ft tall) Blue Towel
Preparation:	You Need 9 scouts: One older scout to be the Scoutmaster 1.0, another older scout to be the "weird man", 7 others to be scouts - you can have some scouts play multiple run-in roles.
Notes:	It's Long so you're going to have to practice it a bit.
Script:	Announcer: We have just created a new product for Scouts, we call it 'The Scoutmaster 1.0'. A fully animatronic scoutmaster with a built-in computer system that can do everything a normal scoutmaster can do, but Better! (walks off) (scouts 1-3 come in carrying Scoutmaster 1.0 (Scoutmaster 1.0 pretends to be 'turned off' by having his head down and slumping forward) Scout 1: It's here it's here! our new Scoutmaster! Scout 2: Power it up! (scout 1 pretends to push a button on Its chest) (Scoutmaster 1.0 stands up straight and looks at the scouts) Scoutmaster 1.0: Hello Scouts (everything he says is robotic sounding and monotone) Scouts 1-3: Yes! Scoutmaster 1.0: You've Got Mail! Scouts 1-3: Cool! (Scoutmaster 1.0 hands scout 1 the Scouts Life, scout 2 the letter, and scout 3 the can of SPAM in the newspaper) Scout 1: I got my Scouts Life! Cool! (walks off) Scout 2: I got a letter from my mom! (walks off) (scout 3 rips off the newspaper) Scout 3: (disappointedly) I got Spam!!! (he shows the audience the can and walks off with his head down) (Scouts 4-6 run up) Scouts 4-6: Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster 1.0: What's wrong scouts? Scout 4: There's a man coming to our campsite! Scout 5: Yeah, a weird man! What do we do? Scout 6: Look here he comes! (he points) (Scoutmaster 1.0 moves the scouts behind him) Scoutmaster 1.0: Don't worry scouts, I'll handle this (wierd man starts to walk in) Weird Man: Hi there! I was wondering if i could borrow some firewoo- (Scoumaster 1.0 charges toward him and pretends to punch weird man in the face, weird man falls down and stays there the rest of the skit) Scouts 4-6: WOW!! (scoutmaster 1.0 walks back towards the scouts) Scoutmaster 1.0: You're safe now scouts! Now go have fun! (scouts 4-6 run off) (scout 7 runs in holding his arm) Scout 7: Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! Help me I cut my arm! Scoutmaster 1.0: Is it Bleading? Scout 7: Yes it is, now help me! Scoutmaster 1.0: Let me think... (Scoutmaster 1.0 picks up the Hourglass and turning it over and over for 15 or so seconds) (scoutmaster 1.0 puts the Hourglass down) Scoutmaster 1.0: Is it bleading badly? Scout 7: Yes! Yes, it's bleading very badly now help me! (scout 7 is now on the ground in pain) Scoutmaster 1.0: Let me think... (scoutmaster 1.0 picks up the Hourglass again and repeats what he did before) (scoutmaster 1.0 puts the Hourglass down) Scoutmaster 1.0: You need first aid! Now! Uploading First Aid Program. (scouts 1-3 run back in) Scouts 1-3: Help us! Scoutmaster 1.0: What's wrong scouts? Scout 1: Help! Jimmy fell out of the tree! Scout 2: Drew's boat sank and he can't swim! Scout 3: What do we do? (scouts 1-3 continue to ask him 'Help us' and 'What do we do' over and over) Scoutmaster 1.0: OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD! OVERLOAD! SCOUTMASTER SHUTTING DOWN...... (Scoutmaster 1.0 goes back to the 'turned off' position) Scouts 1-3: OH NO! What do we do! Scout 2: I know! Let's re-boot him! Scouts 1 and 3: Yeah! (the three of them symutaneously kick Scoutmaster 1.0 in the butt) (scoutmaster 1.0 returns to the 'turned on' position) Scoutmaster 1.0: Hello Scouts! Scouts 1-3: Yes! It worked! Scoutmaster 1.0: Illegal shut down detected! Scanning for viruses... Scouts 1-3: No! Scout 1: What do we do now! Scout 2: We need his Help! Scoutmaster 1.0: ONE PERCENT Scout 3: Come on now! This is taking forever! Scout 2: Hey don't you know a thing about computers? Scout 1: Yeah, but I don't know what to do here! Scoutmaster 1.0: TWO PERCENT Scout 2: How do we make him stop that so he can help us! Scout 1: I don't know! Didn't you read the manual? Scout 2: No I thought you did! Scoumaster 1.0: THREE PERCENT Scout 3: This isn't working! Scout 1: Oh I remember! You push the F4 Key! Scouts 2-3: Yeah! (they all push scoutmaster 1.0's nose at the same time) Scoutmaster 1.0: Hello scouts! Scouts 1-3: Yes! Scoutmaster 1.0: How cacacacaca can I I I I hehehe help yo yo (he says it like he is malfunctioning) (scoutmaster 1.0 picks up the blue towel and puts it over himself covering his face) Scouts 1-3: OH NO!!! IT'S THE BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!!!! (scouts 1-3 run out of the area) THE END!

Scoutmaster in the Wild
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	at least two people, more if you've got 'em
Script:	(sound effects people, or person, go off into the trees before the skit starts, just out of the campfire light) Storyteller: Hasn't this been a great day! Out here in the wild, it's so much nicer than in the city. It's usually quieter, but if you listen there are lots of sounds around us. You might hear some BIRDS. (say it loud enough for the person hidden in the woods to hear) Sound Effects: make loud bird chirpings, crows cawing, owls hooting, ... for a few seconds. Storyteller: Or, maybe some FROGS. Sound Effects: make loud ribbitting noises. Storyteller: If you're lucky, even some LARGER ANIMALS might wander by. Sound Effects: make loud growling, roaring, rustling branches. Storyteller: But, when I'M out camping in the wilds, there's no sound that makes me feel more safe, secure, and knowing I'm with the right gang, than the sound of our SCOUTMASTER in the woods. Sound Effects: Rustle branches, stomp around, then yell "Hey, where are you guys?!?" or "Where's the latrine?" or "Where's my buddy?" or something particularly significant for your troop.

Shady Realtor
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	5 scouts - realtor, house buyer, echo 1, echo 2, dumb echo
Script:	(Realtor is onstage alone and looking worried about life) Realtor: Man, the house business is awful. No one's buying anything these days. I've really got to get some houses sold this month! (Buyer walks onstage and up to the Realtor. You might want the buyer to use a dracula or scary accent, whatever.) Realtor: Good morning! What can I do for you? Buyer: Hello, I want to buy a house. But, not just any house. I have specific requirements. Think you can help me? Realtor: Why certainly! You've come to the right place. You can trust me! What are you looking for? Buyer: I need a haunted house. It must be very dusty, and have an echo, and have a red door. These are important things to me and I am ready to pay handsomely for the perfect house. Realtor: Why, this is your lucky day! I just got a listing today for such a house. I need to call the owner and set up an appointment. Come back in one hour and I can show it to you. Buyer: Wonderful. I'll be back. (buyer walks offstage) Realtor: OK, a red door - no problem, I've got some spraypaint out back. Dust - I'll empty out Mable's vacuum cleaner. Echo - echo? Where can I get an echo? (echo #1 walks by) Realtor: Hey, buddy, want to make a buck? Echo #1: Sure! Realtor: OK, go hide over there. (echo #2 walks by) Realtor: Hey, buddy, want to make a buck? Echo #2: Sure! Realtor: OK, go hide over there. (dumb echo walks by) Realtor: Hey, buddy, want to make a buck? Dumb Echo: Uh, Hay is for horses. Yuck, Yuck. Realtor: Look, do you want to earn a quarter? Dumb Echo: Huh? A quarter of what? Realtor: How about a dime? Dumb Echo: Oh, Yeah! Realtor: OK, go hide over there. (the three echos should be lined up across the back or along one side of the stage, with Dumb Echo the last) Realtor: Now, all you have to do is repeat what I say. Now, be quiet. (Buyer walks up from the other side of stage) Realtor: Hey, here's your house. Notice the bright red door? (opens door and both walk in) Realtor: Notice the dust all over the place? Buyer: Yes, it looks very nice. But, what about the echo? Realtor: Well, let's see. HELLO! Echo #1: hello Echo #2: hello Dumb Echo: uh, hi (buyer looks a bit miffed) Realtor: Let's try that again. BUENOS DIAS! Echo #1: buenos dias Echo #2: buenos dias Dumb Echo: What did he say? (buyer steps toward realtor with a threatening look) Realtor: Well, umm. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Echo #1: what do you want Echo #2: what do you want Dumb Echo: I want my dime! (buyer and 3 echos chase the realtor offstage)

Shakespearean Play
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	2 scouts, broomstick or branch, large pot, smaller pot, neckerchief, 3 chairs (optional)
Preparation:	Line 3 chairs up beside each other. Place the neckerchief on the left-most one, then small pot, then large pot. Lean broomstick or branch against right-most chair.
Notes:	This takes quite a bit of rehearsal, but can be hilariously funny. The 2 scouts get worn out playing 5 parts. Using extreme voices makes the play.
Script:	(#1 picks up broom stick and stands to right of chair. #2 is offstage to the right.) #1: For this evening's entertainment, we offer you this cultural classic, currently captivating crowds across the country at finer dinner theaters and thespian gatherings. Without further ado, we bring you, "The Marriage of the Princess". Please enjoy. (#2 enters, riding a horse, and gallups up to the door.) #2: Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. Whoa. #2: Knock, Knock, Knock. #1: (as doorman) Yes, may I help you? #2: I want to marry the princess! #1: I'll have to ask the King. (#1 slowly turns around while #2 runs behind him, sits down, and puts the large pot on his head. He is now the King.) #1: King? #2: Yes? #1: There is a man at the door who wants to marry your daughter, the princess. #2: Oh, I'll have to ask my wife, the Queen, now won't I? (slowly turns as #1 drops his staff, sits down, and puts on the small pot. He is now the Queen and should use an appropriate voice.) #2: Queen? #1: Yes, what is it? #2: There is a man at the door who wants to marry our daughter, the princess. #1: Well, we must ask her then, mustn't we? (turns as #2 sits in last chair and puts kerchief over head. He is the Princess.) #1: Princess? #2: Yes, mother? #1: There is a man at the door who wishes to marry you. #2: Hmmm, tell him, No Thank You. #1: I see. (#2 becomes King.) #1: She says 'No Thank You'. #2: I see. (#1 becomes doorman) #2: She says 'No Thank You'. #1: I see. (#2 becomes knight) #1: She says 'No Thank You'. #2: Darn! #2: Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. (exits stage) #1: (to audience) A few days later... (#2 enters, riding a horse, and gallups up to the door.) #2: Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. Whoa. #2: Knock, Knock, Knock. #1: (as doorman) Yes, may I help you? #2: I want to PLEASE marry the princess! #1: I'll have to ask the King. #1: King? #2: Yes? #1: There is a man at the door who wants to PLEASE marry your daughter, the princess. #2: Oh, I'll have to ask my wife, the Queen, now won't I? #2: Queen? #1: Yes, what is it? #2: There is a man at the door who wants to PLEASE marry our daughter, the princess. #1: Well, we must ask her then, mustn't we? #1: Princess? #2: Yes, mother? #1: There is a man at the door who wishes to PLEASE marry you. #2: Hmmm, tell him, No Thank You. #1: I see. (#2 becomes King.) #1: She says 'No Thank You'. #2: I see. (#1 becomes doorman) #2: She says 'No Thank You'. #1: I see. (#2 becomes knight) #1: She says 'No Thank You'. #2: Darn! #2: Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. (exits stage) #1: (to audience) A few days later... (#2 enters, riding a horse, and gallups up to the door.) #2: Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. Clippity-Clop. Whoa. #2: Knock, Knock, Knock. #1: (as doorman) Yes, may I help you? #2: I am here to marry the princess, and I won't take NO for an answer! #1: I'll have to ask the King. #1: King? #2: Yes? #1: There is a man at the door who wants to marry your daughter, the princess, and he won't take NO for an answer. #2: Oh, I'll have to ask my wife, the Queen, now won't I? #2: Queen? #1: Yes, what is it? #2: There is a man at the door who wants to marry our daughter, the princess, and he won't take NO for an answer. #1: Well, we must ask her then, mustn't we? #1: Princess? #2: Yes, mother? #1: There is a man at the door who wishes to marry you, and he won't take NO for an answer. #2: Hmmm, tell him, No Thank You. #1: I see. (#2 becomes King.) #1: She says 'No Thank You'. #2: I see. (#1 becomes doorman) #2: She says 'No Thank You'. #1: I see. (#2 becomes knight) #1: (doorman) She says 'No Thank You'. #2: (knight) I said I won't take NO for an answer - stand aside or die! (pulls his sword) #1: Go right in, sir! (knight gives him the sword as he walks by and sits down as king.) #2: (king) She said 'No Thank You'. #1: (knight) I said I won't take NO for an answer - stand aside or die! (pulls his sword) #2: Go right in then! (knight gives him the sword as he walks by and sits down as queen.) #1: (queen) She said 'No Thank You'. #2: (knight) I said I won't take NO for an answer - stand aside or die! (pulls his sword) #1: Go right in then! (knight gives him the sword as he walks by and sits down as princess.) #2: (princess) I said 'No Thank You'. #1: (knight) I said I won't take NO for an answer - will you marry me? #2: Well, Yes then! #1: (to audience) And, they lived happily ever after.

Short Runway A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	as many scouts as you want in your airplane.
Script:	Scouts line up in double column as if in a small airplane with pilot and copilot in front. pilot: (flying along, squinting out the window) Man, I hate these night flights. Since this cheap airline made those cutbacks, half our instruments don't work. Can you see the airport yet? copilot: Nope, but I'm looking. pilot: (after a short pause) We're getting low on fuel. We better find that runway soon! Sure wish this cheap airline would spring for a radio. copilot: (pointing to the right and down) I think I see it - Over to the right! (pilot steers to the right, everyone leans) pilot: I can't see it. Sure wish this cheap airline would install brighter lights! pilot: Aha! There it is. I can see a couple lights. Here we go! (start a dive, other scouts lean forward and give sound effects) copilot: I think we're coming in too fast! pilot: Give me 20 degree flaps and we'll slow this bird down. copilot: 20 degree flaps, sir! (moves brake lever and sound effects) pilot: More flaps and cut back the engines! copilot: 40 degree flaps! (move brakes and throttle) pilot: It's gonna be tight! Full flaps and cut the engines! copilot: Full flaps, sir! pilot: Hang on! (everyone lurches as they hit the runway and bounce to a quick stop) pilot: Whew, we made it! Man! That was a SHORT runway! copilot: (looking to left and then right) Yep, and WIDE too!

Shut Up and Trouble
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	4 scouts - Narrator, Policeman, Shut Up, and Trouble
Script:	Narrator: There once were two brothers named Shut Up and Trouble. They liked to go on walks together. (Trouble and Shut Up walk onstage) One day, they were walking along in the woods together and Trouble got lost. (Trouble walks off; Shut Up looks around but can't find him) So Shut Up went to the police station to report a missing person. Policeman: Can I help you? Shut Up: Yes, Sir. Policeman: What's your name? Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir. Policeman: Hey now, don't be rude. Now, what's your name, boy? Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir. Policeman: You should watch your manners, boy. This is the last time I'll ask, what's your name? Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir. Policeman: Young man, are you looking for Trouble? Shut Up: Why Yes Sir! How did you know he was lost?

Sleep Over
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts bundle of clothes
Script:	Two scouts are playing with toys. Bill: Hey, Bob, I hear something. Is that rain? Bob: Sounds like it. Bill: When you came over to play, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Bob: Sure wasn't. Bill: Wow, look out the window. It's just pouring down! Bob: Sure is. (Dad enters room) Dad: Bob, I can't let you go home in this storm. You'll catch cold. Bill: Dad, can Bob sleep over? Please? Dad: Sure, but you'll need to clean your room first. Come on. (Bill and Dad exit the stage while Bob keeps playing) (After a few seconds, Bob jumps up as if he just remembered something and runs off stage the other direction.) (Bill returns.) Bill: Bob, my room's clean and your bed's ready. Bob? Bob? (Bob comes running in, holding a bundle of clothes) Bill: Bob! You're soaking wet! Where have you been? Bob: Since I'm sleeping over, I ran home to get my pajamas.

Smart Astronaut
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	Three astronauts discussing their upcoming space missions. Scout 1: I just got my mission orders. I'm going to Mars. Scout 2: I got my mission, too. I'm going to Neptune. Scout 3: I'm going to the Sun. Scouts 1 and 2: That's ridiculous. No way. It's too hot. You'll burn up. Scout 3: I'm not stupid - I'm going at night!

Smoke Signals
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	1 scout optional binoculars
Script:	#1: Wow, it's great to be out here in the wilds. #1: Hey, what's that over there? Looks like smoke signals. #1: Fortunately, I learned smoke signalling at camp last summer. Let me see if I can read them. #1: (looking through binoculars and sounding out each word) Help . . . my . . . blanket . . . is . . . on . . . fire.

Snake Bite
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	3 scouts
Notes:	1 scout is the doctor and he off to the side of the stage.
Script:	2 scouts are hiking and sit down to take a rest. Scout #1: Sure is hot out. Scout #2: Sure is. Scout #1: OUCH! Darn, I just got bit on the rump by a rattlesnake! Scout #2: Hang on, I'll call the doctor on my cellphone and find out what to do. (dials doctor) Doctor: Hello? Scout #2: Doc! My friend just got bit by a rattlesnake. What should I do? Doctor: First thing to do is suck the poison out! Scout #1: Uh huh. (pauses, then hangs up.) Sorry [Bob], the doc says you're gonna die.

Soup and Flies
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	four scouts
Script:	(three scouts sit around their table) Waiter: Welcome to the Soup Bowl. What would you like? Diner #1: I'll have bean and bacon soup. Waiter: Oh no, beef barley is much healthier. Diner #1: Okay, make it beef barley, then. Waiter: And you, sir? Diner #2: Chili. Waiter: All that fat and grease? Alphabet soup is better for you. Diner #2: Ok, ok, alphabet soup would be fine. Waiter: And how about you? Diner #3: What would you suggest? Waiter: I'm just the waiter, I don't have time to make suggestions. Diner #3: Fine, I'll have clam chowder and a bowl of ice cream. (waiter brings out soup orders and sets them down) Diner #1: Waiter! There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Shhh, everyone else will want one too. Diner #2: Waiter! There's a fly in my alphabet soup! Waiter: How cute, he's learning to read. Diner #3: Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup? Waiter: Hmmm, looks like the backstroke, sir. Diner #1: Waiter! This fly is still in my soup. Waiter: Quick, throw him a life preserver. Diner #2: Waiter! I took this fly out of my soup. What should I do now? Waiter: Give him CPR! Diner #3: Waiter! There's a fly in my ice cream, too! Waiter: Wow! I didn't know they did winter sports, too.

Sponge Butt Prank
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 scouts and a good-humored victim from the audience A bucket with a wet sponge. 4 chairs - 1 facing the other 3 sideways to the audience. bag of candy
Preparation:	One scout is the leader, two are contestants, and one is off stage with the wet sponge behind where the 3 contestants will sit.
Notes:	It is possible to double-cross with this skit and have a second accomplice that puts a sponge on the leader's seat or on all the contestants seats.
Script:	Leader: Welcome to the latest game show sensation - Follow My Lead! Today, we need 3 contestants from the audience to play for these great prizes. (hold up bag of candy) (choose 2 accomplices from audience and one victim) Leader: Please take a seat here. (point to chairs. Accomplices make sure victim sits closest to audience) Leader: OK, here's how the game is played. You just follow my lead and do what I do. When someone makes a mistake, they are disqualified. The last one wins! Let's go! Watch me closely at all times. (leader sits in single chair, feet flat on the floor and hands in lap, looking straight ahead.) Leader: (stands) Chicka-Chicka. (sits) Boom-Boom. (contestants repeat) Leader: (stands) Chicka. (sits) Boom. (stands) Chicka. (sits) Boom. (contestants repeat) Leader: (stands and raises hands straight up) Chicka-Chicka. (puts hands straight forward and sits) Boom-Boom. (contestants repeat) (now the offstage helper sneaks forward so the victim can not see him) Leader: (covers eyes with hands and stands) Chicka-Boom. (uncovers eyes, raises eyes to ceiling and sits) Chicka-Boom. (as soon as contestants stand, helper puts sponge on victim's seat. contestants repeat)

Stealing Boxes
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	a box 5 or more scouts
Script:	The Manager and new Guard are onstage. Other scouts are offstage with the box. Manager: OK, Bob, your job is very important. We've had a lot of workers stealing things from the factory and this gate is the only way in and out. I want you to check everyone leaving to make sure they are not stealing anything. Got it? Guard: Yes, sir! I'll check everyone. Manager: Great. I'm going back to my office now. (exits) (worker enters carrying the box) Guard: Hold it right there, buddy. What's in the box? Worker #1: What, this box? Guard: Yes, that box. What are you taking? Worker #1: Nothing. The box is empty. See? (shows audience the empty box) Guard: Alright then. Have a nice evening. (worker exits and gives box to next worker to bring onstage) (repeat for as many workers as you have) (Manager comes running up to guard) Manager: What are you doing? I hired you to stop all this stealing. You've only been here a few minutes and we're already losing things. Guard: But, I checked everyone that left and all of their boxes were empty. Manager: Of course! In this factory, we make boxes!

Stiff Neck
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	One scout standing center stage with his head tilted way back. Second scout walks up to first and looks up into the sky to see what he is looking at. Continue having scouts come onstage making a line until only one scout is left to enter. Last scout comes onstage and looks up. Then asks the scout ahead of him. Last Scout: What are you looking at? Previous Scout: I don't know. Then, asks the scout ahead of him, ... all the way up to the first scout. First Scout: I'm not looking at anything. I just have a stiff neck.

Tag
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Script:	A pair of scouts are needed to do this running skit. After a skit concludes, scout #1 comes running across the stage, looking fearful. Scout #2 chases him while carrying a thick stick or bat or club, and roaring as if he is mad at scout #1, but not really saying any words. Scout #1 runs through the audience, dodges around the campfire, whatever he can do to keep away from scout #2. After a few seconds of dodging around, he runs offstage into the dark with scout #2 still chasing behind him. (another skit is performed.) Scout #1 runs onto the stage, panting heavily. Scout #1: Has anyone seen _____(other scout name)? Where is he? I've got to get awar from him, but he's like a bloodhound! Scout #2 comes yelling in from the distance offstage and scout #1 yelps and runs off in the other direction with scout #2 chasing him yet again. (another skit is performed. While it is being done, scout #1 should enter the audience from the rear, wearing a hood, sunglasses, some disguise, and find a place to sit.) Scout #2 runs on stage, carrying his stick, panting and searching around. Scout #2: Has anyone seen ______(first person name)? I'm gonna get him! Scout #2 searches around in the audience until he finds scout #1 who jumps up and takes off again with scout #2 hot on his heels, hollering wildly. (another skit is performed.) In the distance, the two scouts come running toward the stage, hollering. When scout #1 gets onstage, he trips and falls and scout #2 finally catches up to him, helpless on the ground. Scout #2: AHA! Towering over scout #1, and holding his big club, scout #2 quickly reaches down, tags him, and says 'You're It!'. He drops the club and runs off into the dark while scout #1 quickly picks up the club and chases after him, hollering wildly.

Taking My Case to Court
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	1 Master of Ceremonies 1 Scout briefcase or empty soda case ladder flashlight banana
Script:	MC stands center stage to give announcements or something. (Scout #1 walks quickly across stage in front of MC, caring his case.) MC: Hey, what are you doing? I'm trying to do some things here. Scout #1: I'm taking my CASE to court! (and, exits stage) (MC announces next skit or song and it occurs.) (MC center stage. Scout walks up to MC, sets down his case, positions the MC's hands palms up in front of him, and places the case on them.) MC: What are you doing? Scout #1: I REST my case! (grabs case and exits stage) (MC announces next skit or song and it occurs.) (MC center stage. Scout walks on opening and shutting the case.) MC: What's that? Scout #1: It's an OPEN and SHUT case! (exits stage) (MC announces next skit or song and it occurs.) (MC center stage. Scout walks on bending over searching all around.) MC: Excuse me, what are you doing? Scout #1: I lost my case! (and, exits stage) (MC announces next skit or song and it occurs.) (MC center stage. Scout walks on with case and shining flashlight ahead of him.) MC: Excuse me, what are you doing? Scout #1: I'm taking my case to Night Court! (and, exits stage) (MC center stage. Scout walks on carrying case and ladder.) MC: Hey, NOW what are you doing? Scout #1: I'm taking my case to a HIGHER court! (Scout walks offstage) (MC center stage. From the sidelines, the case comes flying onto the stage and lands at the MCs feet. The scout comes tumbling running out as if he were thrown.) MC: Whoa! Are you ok? What's going on? Scout #1: My case got thrown out of court! (Scout picks up case and walks offstage) (MC center stage. Scout walks on carrying case under arm and peeling a banana.) MC: Hey, now what are you doing? Scout #1: I'm taking my case to the court of APPEALS! (Scout walks offstage)

Talking Trash
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	First scout walks to center stage and begins booming out as loud as he can. Scout #1: Banana peel! Pop bottle! Tin can! Coffee grounds! Egg shells! ... Scout #2 comes out: Hey, what are you doing? Scout #1: I'm talking trash, man!

Tankety Tank
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	8 or more scouts
Script:	Soldier: General, we're going into battle and I'm scared. I don't have any weapons or know what to do. General: No problem, son. We use psychological weapons here. When you engage the enemy, stick out your hand like this and say "Stabbity-Stab". (makes stabbing forward motion) Soldier: OK General: If there are too many of them, fall back and shoot them like this, "Bangity-Bang". (pretend to aim and shoot a rifle) Soldier: OK General: If they keep coming, fall back and blast them with a grenade like this, "Boomity-Boom". (pretend to pull a pin and toss a grenade) Soldier: OK General: Alright! I see the enemy approaching. Go get 'em! (the large group of enemy slowly walks in from the side. The soldier rushes right up to them) Soldier: Stabbity-Stab. Stabbity-Stab. (one or two enemy soldiers fall. The rest keep coming. The soldier retreats a few steps) Soldier: Bangity-Bang. Bangity-Bang. (one or two enemy soldiers fall. The rest keep coming. The soldier retreats a few steps) Soldier: Boomity-Boom (all but one enemy soldiers fall. He keeps coming. The soldier retreats a few steps) Soldier: (in desperation) Boomity-Boom. Bangity-Bang. Stabbity-Stab. (the last enemy walks right over him) Enemy: Tankety-Tank

Tates Compass Lesson
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	One senior scout (or scoutmaster) 2 scouts a compass a map
Notes:	This one should get a couple of groans.
Script:	Set the scene to be a senior scout teaching new scouts about compass work. Sr. Scout: Now fellows, if you take a bearing from the map this way you can now stand up and, keeping the compass away from your belt buckle, walk along the bearing until you reach your destination. Here, Billy, you try. Billy: (Does as instructed, exits, re-enters) Sr. Scout: You can also take a bearing on a distant object and use that to find where you are on the map. Jimmy, you take a bearing of that oak tree. Jimmy: (Do as instructed) Sr. Scout: Good job! That wraps up our compass lesson. There is just one more important point about your equipment! Never, never buy a TATES compass. Billy: Why should we never buy a TATES compass? Sr. Scout: Well, you know the old saying: 'He who has a TATES is lost!'

Telling the Time
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts
Notes:	One scout is offstage. The rest are in a group center stage.
Script:	Leader: We would like to share a survival tip with you all. If no one in your group has a watch, this is one way how you can still tell time. All scouts run around in a small area until the leader raises his hand and they then immediately freeze. Everyone pauses to listen but nothing happens. Repeat this a couple times until the scout offstage decides to reply. Scout Offstage: Hey, you guys, SHUT UP! It's 11:00 o'clock at night!

The Audition
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts
Notes:	Need to memorize the lines so they are the same each time.
Script:	Scene: a director is holding auditions for actors in his play. 2 scouts show up to audition. Director: Welcome to the auditions for my new play. Go ahead with your audition when you are ready. (2 actors take places and begin their demonstration) (they speak in monotone with no gestures at all - very boring) Actor 1: Give me your money. Actor 2: No. Actor 1: Give me your money. Actor 2: No. Actor 1: I will shoot you and take it. Actor 1: Bang. (with finger as gun) Actor 2: (falls to floor, boringly) Director: (jumps up enraged) That was pathetic! You call that acting!??! I want to see something with feeling! Show me something SAD! (this time do the exact same lines, but both actors are crying through the whole thing) Actor 1: Give me your money. Actor 2: No. Actor 1: Give me your money. Actor 2: No. Actor 1: I will shoot you and take it. Actor 1: Bang. (with finger as gun) Actor 2: (falls to floor, crying) Director: No, No. Speed it up. I want some ACTION! (this time do the exact same lines, but very, very fast) Director: Way too fast! Slow down a little. (this time do the exact same lines, but very, very slow) Director: Oh, come on! How about trying some comedy - do something FUNNY! (this time do the exact same lines, but the actors are laughing hysterically the whole time.) Director: (gives up and screams ) Out, Out, OUT!

The Psychic
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	This is more of a parlor trick that takes two to perform. One scout tells the group that his buddy is a Psychic - he can tell what the group is thinking of. To prove it, have the psychic leave the room. Have the group then select an object - any object in the room. Have the psychic rejoin the group. The first scout then asks the psychic what the group is thinking of: - Is it Bob's neckerchief? - No - Is it Charlie's black shoes? - No - Is it Paul's gold watch? - Yes! Secret: The object the scout asks the psychic about just before the real object is always black. You don't always have to say the color because the "psychic" can tell by looking. So, once the scout asks about a black object, he knows the next object is the correct one.

Three Vs. 1000
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts
Script:	This can be done as a story or a skit. Three scouts limp and stumble onstage. They are soldiers that have just survived a horrific battle. Ad-libbing the entire conversation works better than memorized lines, but should go something like this... 1: What a battle! 2: What amazing odds! And, to think we survived! 3: Yeah, THREE against A THOUSAND - simply amazing! 1: We never should have attempted it. THREE against A THOUSAND and we're still here to tell about it. 2: That's enough fighting for me. I'm retiring from the army. Fighting THREE against A THOUSAND has completely worn me out. 3: Me too. I think we've made a name for ourselves. THREE against A THOUSAND - I still can't believe it! 1: OK, I'll quit too. You know, those were the toughest THREE guys I've ever fought against! Watch the monologue

Throwing Little Stones
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 or more scouts
Preparation:	people are indians coming to Brave School 1 person is leader smallest person is Little Stones
Script:	Indian Brave is waiting center stage for little indians to arrive for Brave School. First indian arrives. Brave: What is your name, little indian? Scout #1: My name is Running Duck. Brave: Running Duck, why are you late for first day of Brave School? You will never be big brave like me if you are always late. Scout #1: Sorry, Big Brave. I was throwing little stones in the raging river. (next scout runs in.) Brave: What is your name, little indian? Scout #2: My name is Slender Trees. Brave: Slender Trees, why are you late for first day of Brave School? You will never be big brave like me if you are always late. Scout #2: Sorry, Big Brave. I was throwing little stones at the birds in the trees. (next scout runs in.) Brave: What is your name, little indian? Scout #3: My name is Tiny Bear. Brave: Tiny Bear, why are you late for first day of Brave School? You will never be big brave like me if you are always late. Scout #3: Sorry, Big Brave. I was throwing little stones off the tall cliff. (repeat for all scouts, each making up a name and where they were throwing little stones...) (last scout comes stumbling in battered and bruised and in pain.) Brave: Why are you late, little indian? What is your name? Last One: My name is Little Stones.

Ticket Line
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Script:	A few guys are standing in line waiting for the ticket booth to open so they can buy the first tickets for a new show. They should ad-lib so the audience knows what they are doing. After a bit, another scout comes walking up the end of the line and starts walking past the guys to the front of the line. The guys in line should complain that he can't cut in line, go to the back, and then grab him and push and shove him to the back of the line. The guy tries to work his way to the front again with the same results. Then, he throws up his hands and says, "Forget It! They can get someone else to sell tickets today!" and turns around and walks away.

Tie In the Desert
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Script:	Scout is struggling across the stage, in desperate need of water. Scout #1: Water! I need water! (struggles along to first person) Scout #2: Here, sir. Would you like to buy a tie? Scout #1: A tie? No! It's 110 degrees and the sand is blistering my feet. I want water, not a tie! (struggles further to next person) Scout #3: I have ties on special sale today only. Would you like one? Real cheap! Scout #1: I'm dieing here. I need water, not a cheap tie. (struggles on to next person, add as many people as you want ...) (finally when approaching last person) Scout #1: An oasis! Water! And, there's someone guarding it. It must be good, clean water. Scout #1: Please, give me a glass of water! Last One: I'm sorry sir, but ties are required to enter this oasis. Good Day.

Toothache
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 scouts (optional) - pliers, apple, string, axe or hammer
Script:	#1: Ooooh, my tooth is killing me! #2: (holding up pliers) Hey, I can help. I'll just pull it right out. #1: Oh, Ah, Ouch! (while #2 is using pliers in his mouth) #2: Got it! How's that? #1: That was the WRONG tooth! (#3 comes along as #2 leaves) #3: (handing an apple) Hey, chomp into this apple and it will pull the tooth for you. #1: chomp, chomp, chomp (eating the apple) Ugh, that was a green apple. Now my stomach aches. (#4 comes along as #3 leaves) #4: Here, tie this string to your tooth and I'll tie the other end to the door. When we slam it, your tooth will yank out. (pretend to slam door and it hits #1 in the head) #1: OW! You slammed the door into my poor head. Ow! (#5 comes on with his hammer or axe as #4 leaves) #1: Oooh, my tooth. Oooh, my stomach. Oooh, my head. #5: Hey, I hear you have a toothache. I'm here to help! #1: Noooooo! (as he runs offstage)

Trained Caterpillar
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 scouts, big sheet, cup of water, rag or small cloth
Script:	(4 scouts get under the sheet in a line so they can walk around like a caterpillar. They should all be bent over at the waist, holding the guy's waist ahead. The last guy has a small cup of water in his hand under the sheet) Trainer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Today, you will see some new tricks performed by my amazing trained caterpillar, Floyd! Floyd, come on out! (caterpillar walks out onstage) Trainer: Floyd, turn left! Trainer: Floyd, turn right! Trainer: Floyd, stop! Trainer: Floyd, sit up! (front guy stands up, but stays under sheet) Trainer: Floyd, lay down! Trainer: Floyd, up! (caterpillar gets back up) Floyd, fetch! (throw the rag on the ground in front of Floyd so he can walk forward and the first guy can pick it up and take it to the trainer.) Trainer: Floyd has been practicing a new trick all week, but we need a volunteer to help us. (Pick one from the audience) Trainer: OK, lie down here and Floyd will walk over you without harming a hair on your head! OK, Floyd, march! (Floyd carefully walks over the volunteer but at the last guy passes over, he lifts his leg towards the audience and dumps the cup of water.) Trainer: Oops, I forgot Floyd isn't potty-trained yet.

Two Suckers On a Stick
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	1 board 5 scouts 2 volunteers (victims)
Script:	Choose 2 good-humored volunteers from the audience to help with the skit. Have each one hold up one end of the board to act as the counter in a candy shop. One scout is the store owner and the other 4 scouts are customers that enter the store one at a time. Customer 1: Do you have any gumdrops? Owner: Sorry, I'm all out. Customer 2: Do you have any bubble gum? Owner: Sorry, I'm all out. Customer 3: Do you have any chocolate covered ants? Owner: Sorry, I'm all out. Customer 4: Do you have any cookies? Owner: Sorry, I'm all out. Customer 4: Well, what DO you have? Owner: How about these 2 big suckers on a stick?

Typical Day in New York City A Favorite Skit
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Bear Scouts, Webelos Scouts
Required:	4 scouts - 2 muggers, tourist(victim), and narrator
Preparation:	Have two bigger scouts stage left and one smaller scout stage right. The two bigger scouts are muggers and smaller scout is a tourist.
Notes:	Every time this skit is done, it's done a little different and the scouts always enjoy it. It can be re-run at slower and slower speeds, each time having more activity building on the previous speed. After at most 4 runs through, its time to stop.
Script:	Narrator: You are about to view a video taken recently on the streets of New York City. Here, you will see two local citizens greeting a visiting tourist. (The two muggers walk from stage left while the tourist walks towards them from stage right. They pass each other in the center with a friendly smile or wave and continue on without stopping. The tourist should do a little stutter-step just as he is past the locals.) Narrator: Freeze Frame! Rewind! As you can see, citizens of New York are friendly and courteous. But, let's rewind that video and view it at 1/2 speed. (scouts walk in reverse back over their original paths to their starting positions) Narrator: Stop! (when they reach their spots). 1/2 Speed! (Scouts repeat their paths, this time when they meet, the two muggers grab the tourist, pull items out of his pockets, and take his wallet) Narrator: Freeze Frame! Rewind! So, there's more than meets the eye here. Let's take a look a little slower and see what we find. (Scouts go backwards, redoing the stealing in reverse) Narrator: Stop! (when they reach their spots). 1/4 Speed! (Now the muggers grab the victim, turn him over, shake him, set him back on his feet, pick up the money, and continue. The victim just continues on smiling) This can go on, adding beating, policeman chasing a robber in the background, person hailing a taxi, ... whatever the actors come up with.

Ugliest Man in the World
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	1 good-humored adult victim. 6 or more scouts a blanket or jacket to cover one actor's head One scout is the ugliest man and is under a blanket. Another scout is the circus caller getting brave people to pay money to see the ugliest man. The rest are customers.
Script:	Caller: Gather round! Step right up! Who is brave enough to gaze on the face of the ugliest man in the world? Only 25 cents! Step right up! Hey, you there - are you brave enough? Scout #1: Sure, I'm brave! Here's your quarter, let me see him. (Scout #1 walks up to ugly man an peers under the blanket at his face. He then screams, falls back, and faints.) Caller: Now that was a brave lad! But, he didn't have the fortitude of character to withstand the ugliest man in the world. How about you, sir? Are you strong enough and brave enough? Scout #2: Ha! You better believe it. Here's two bits. Now, let me see him. (Scout #2 peers under the blanket with similar results.) (repeat this for all the scouts until they are all fainted.) Caller: Certainly there must be someone here brave and strong enough to view the ugliest man in the world and live to tell about it. Anyone? How about you, sir? (addressing the leader or other unsuspecting adult. Coax him up or work on someone else until someone is convinced to try.) When the victim looks under the blanket, the ugliest man in the world screams and runs away in fright.

Ugly Baby
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	3 scouts 1 chair
Script:	(One scout is sitting in a chair. He is holding a doll or pretend baby.) Conductor: (offstage) All Abooooard! (2nd scout walks up and does a double-take when he notices the baby) Man: Holy Cow! Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen in my whole life! Mother: What! How dare you say such a thing! You should be ashamed of yourself. Man: I'm sorry, ma'am, but just look at him. Yuch! That is definitely a face only a mother could love. Sheesh! Mother: Oh, you beast! Conductor! Conductor! Come here! (3rd scout comes running over) Conductor: Yes, ma'am? What's the trouble? Mother: This man is being rude and insulting and saying terrible things. Conductor: Sir, please move on to the next car and leave this woman alone. Man: Look, I'm sorry, but that thing is ugly! (He exits stage) Conductor: There you go, ma'am, he won't bother you any more. Mother: Well, I certainly hope not. This has been a most upsetting train ride so far. Conductor: Ma'am, this railroad does our best to keep all our passengers comfortable. Can I bring you a free drink from the hospitality car? Mother: Oh yes, that would be lovely. Conductor: While I'm there, I'll pick up a banana for that monkey of yours, too.

Walk On Selections
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	depending on the walk-on, lots of different things are needed.
Notes:	This is a list of miscellaneous walk-ons. Walk-ons are done between skits and songs in a program. MC = Master of Ceremonies.
Script:	Scout walks in wearing a flashlight headlamp. Walks around center stage awhile, looking somewhat confused or dreamy. MC: What's the matter? Scout : I'm feeling a little LIGHT-headed. Scout walks to center stage carrying a large jacket, followed by a few more scouts all in line. First puts one arm in the jacket. 2nd puts his arm in other sleeve. Next scout squirms in between the two. Continue, having all scouts try to get inside the jacket. MC: What are you guys doing? All Scouts: It says 'One Size Fits All!' After a bad joke or skit, a scout runs on stage looking all over. Scout : Where is it? I can't find it. MC: What are you looking for? Scout : The humor in that last joke/skit! 2 scouts walk on carrying tree branches with leaves loosely connected so they can be shaken off. They shake their branches as they walk across the stage, leaving leafs behind. MC: You guys need to get off the stage! Scouts: Don't worry - we're just LEAFing. (as they continue to walk offstage, shaking leafs) Scout runs on, looking frantic. Scout : It's all around me! It's all around me! MC: What is it? What's all around you? Scout : My Belt! (and runs off) Scout runs on stage frantically waving his arms. Scout : They're after me! They're after me! MC: Who's after you? Scout : The squirrels - they think I'm NUTS! Scout runs on stage frantically waving his arms. Scout : It's all around me! It's all around me! MC: What's all around you? Scout : The AIR! 3 or 4 scouts walk onstage in a group, carefully handing a propane bottle or small obvious gas can back and forth. MC: What are you guys doing? Scouts: Passing Gas! Scout walks across stage dragging a rope. MC: Why are you pulling that rope through here? Scout : Ever try to PUSH one? Scout runs to center stage. Scout : And, now, its time to make a Spot announcement. Scout in back of audience: BARK! (very loud) Scout : Thank you, Spot! Scout walks to center stage and starts throwing a ball up and catching it. MC: Hey, what are you doing? Scout : I don't feel very well and I'm THROWING UP! Scout walks to center stage while yelling 'ATTENTION! ATTENTION!' MC: Hey, what are you doing? Scout : I'm just looking for a little attention. Scouts line up by height offstage. They march on singing 'The Ants Go Marching'. Scouts: The Ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah. The Ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah. The Ants go marching one by one, the little one stops to shoot his gun and they all go marching down into the ground, to get out of the rain. (the last one in line stops and pretends to shoot a rifle and then runs to catch up as the rest march offstage singing.) Scouts: The Ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah. The Ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah. The Ants go marching two by two, the little one stops to tie his shoe and they all go marching down into the ground to get out of the rain. Scouts: The Ants go marching three by three, hurrah, hurrah. The Ants go marching three by three, hurrah, hurrah. (littlest one stops and turns back to audience as if he is unzipping his pants to pee.) The Ants go marching three by three and the little one stops ... Leader: (loudly interrupting) NO! NO! It's Climb a Tree! CLIMB A TREE! (littlest one pretends to zip up pants and then runs to catch up with others offstage.) Scout runs onstage with a cellphone. Scout : Mr. Scott, the Tribles are after me. BEAM ME ABOARD! (Scout offstage throws a board to land in front of the scout.) Scout : Thank you! (picks up board and runs off).

Wall
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	5 scouts
Script:	All but two scouts stand in a line facing the audience shoulder to shoulder. (They are the wall) One more scout (the worker) stands, casually leaning against the center of the wall. Worker: My, what a beautiful day. Sure wish I didn't have to be here working so hard. (Boss slowly walks in from the side, reviewing some papers.) Worker: Oh no, the Boss! I'd better work harder. (Worker turns and pushes his hands against the wall, as if holding it up from falling.) Boss: Hey, you there! What's your name? Worker: Johnny, sir. Boss: Do you work for me? Worker: Yes, sir! Boss: Well, just what do you think you're doing, pretending to hold up that wall instead of working? Worker: But, sir, I AM holding this wall up. Honest! (ad lib a bit of back and forth, if desired. Worker trying to convince boss.) (Boss stands right next to worker in center of wall and close to it.) Boss: I'll have no employee of mine lie like that. You're fired! Now, get out of here! (Worker edges along wall to the end, still pretending to hold it up until he reaches the end. Then, runs off.) (Boss turns to audience) Boss: I can't believe it. That lazy guy trying to convince me he was holding up this... (as the wall loudly tumbles down all over the Boss)

Washing Ears
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts 2 cups
Preparation:	Scout #1 has water in his cup. Last scout has a hidden mouth full of water.
Notes:	This is just like the Toothbrushing Skit but easier.
Script:	Scouts stand shoulder to shoulder facing audience. Scout #1 on the left, Last Scout on the right. #1 and Last each have a paper cup. Scout #1: On our last outing, our leader taught us how to wash our ears AND conserve water. We're going to teach you so we can all help conserve water. Scout #1 takes a drink of water from his cup and pretends to hold it in his mouth. He shakes his head around, pretending to splash the water inside both his ears. He then leans over to the next scout and pretends to spit it into his ear. Next scout shakes and spits. Continue on down the line to the last scout. The last scout (with a mouthful of water) shakes, and then spits a stream of water into his cup or out on the ground if outside.

Water Vending Machine
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts, pitcher of water, paper cup
Script:	One scout is a mechanical water vending machine. He holds the paper cup in one hand and the pitcher of water in the other. He stands center stage, facing stage left. The second scout is an extremely thirsty person looking for a drink of water. (scout #2 walks to center stage) Scout #2: Man, I'm dying of thirst. I need a drink bad! What's this? Hey, a water vending machine - cool! Scout #1: (in mechanical voice) Deposit 25 cents Please. Scout #2: Alright. (takes quarter from his pocket and deposits it in vending machine scout's shirt pocket.) Vending machine holds out paper cup, holds out pitcher, and pours water, but it purposefully misses the cup so the stream of water slowly pours onto the ground. Scout #2: Hey, hey! (tries to grab the stream of water and licks it from his fingers.) Scout #2: Stupid machine! I still need water! Scout #1: (in mechanical voice) Deposit 25 cents Please. Scout #2: Yeah, yeah, I know. (takes quarter and deposits in pocket.) This time the machine holds out the cup, then the pitcher, then pours the water right into the cup. As the scout reaches for it, he quickly tips the cup upside down and then back upright again. Scout #2: HEY! Man, I've just go to get some water. Scout #1: (in mechanical voice) Deposit 25 cents Please. (scout finds another quarter and deposits in pocket.) This time the machine successfully pours a cup of water, but when the person reaches for it, the machine drinks it himself. Scout #2: I don't believe it! I don't believe it! (searches for a quarter) This is my LAST quarter. I've got to get some water from this machine! (person deposits quarter in pocket.) This time as soon as the scout puts the quarter in the machine's pocket, he spits water in his face that he had kept in his mouth from drinking the cup. Alternate Ending: The vending machine can drop the cup and when Scout #2 bends down to pick it up, he dumps the pitcher on him.

Water's water
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	3 scouts blue tarp folded lengthwise to be a stream. Nalgenes or water bottles.
Script:	Scouts 1 and 2 are walking across stage area with scout 3 behind curtain or tree (out of sight). Scout 1: I'm tired. Scout 2: I'm thirsty. Scout 1: Lets go fill up our water bottles in that stream. Scout 2: (as they kneel down next to river) Do you think it's safe? Scout 1 : Of course! Look how clear it is and how fast it's flowing. Scout 2:O.K. whatever. (Scouts fill waterbottles and start drinking.) Scout 2: This tastes funny. Scout 1: Hey, water's water. (Just then, Scout 3 comes out from hiding, pulling up his fly and stretching.) Scout 3: Ahhhhhh. Relief. (Scouts 1 and 2 spit out water and run off stage.)

Water, Water
Intended for:	All Scouts
Script:	A scout crawls slowly across the stage, as if he were dragging himself across the hot, sandy desert. It's best if he has long, really mussed up hair. Scout 1: Water, water! (another scout walks by and scout #1 begs...) Scout 1: Water, water! Scout 2: Sorry, dude, I don't have any. (and he walks off stage) (repeat having other scouts walk by as scout #1 works his way across the stage, stopping each one and receiving an ad lib response.) (finally, scout #1 sees a cup or bucket of water ahead of him.) Scout 1: Water! Hallelujah! (He quickly drags himself to it. When he gets there, he quickly stands up, pulls out his comb, dips it in the water, combs his hair, and walks offstage whistling.)

We Have No Skit
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 12 scouts
Script:	First scout walks to center stage, stops, slaps his forehead and shouts, 'Oh No!' Next scout runs up to him and asks 'What's Wrong?' First scout whispers in his ear, and scout #2 says 'Oh No!' Repeat this for each scout running to the group until only the last one is left. He runs up and asks 'What's Wrong?' All Scouts: We have no Skit!!! You could have each scout start crying when they hear the bad news.

What Kind of Tracks?
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	6 or more scouts
Script:	(scout #1 walks center stage and bends down, concentrating on something on the ground. Scout #2 walks to him.) Scout #2: What are you looking at? Scout #1: These tracks here. I can't tell what kind they are. They look kind of like wolf tracks. Scout #2: Hmmm. Naw, those are bear tracks. Scout #1: I don't think so, they are too long for bear tracks. Scout #2: Well, let's get Bobby to help us. Hey, Bobby! (Scout #3 walks to them.) Scout #3: What are you looking at? Scout #1: These tracks here. I think they're wolf tracks, he thinks they're bear tracks. What do you think? Scout #3: Nah, too skinny for wolf tracks. I'd say they're skunk tracks. (all 3 scouts continue to examine the tracks closely as 3 more scouts holding waists in a line to form a train come chugging quickly down the tracks and bowl them all over.) Scout #1: Aha! I guess they were TRAIN TRACKS!

Who's the Scoutmaster?
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Script:	#1: Well, Michael, welcome to our Troop, I'm going to be your Patrol Leader. #2: Look, Ralph, if you're the Patrol Leader, you must know all the members of this troop. #1: I certainly do. #2: Well, you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know everybody. #1: Well, let's see. We can start with the leaders, Who's the Scoutmaster, What's the Senior Patrol Leader, I Don't Know the Advancement Chairman... #2: That's what I want to find out. #1: I said, Who's the Scoutmaster, What's SPL, I Don't Know's the Advancement Chair. #2: Are you a Patrol Leader? #1: Yes. #2: And you don't know the fellows' names. #1: Well, I should. #2: Well, then, who's the Scoutmaster? #1: Yes. #2: I mean the fellow's name. #1: Who. #2: The Scoutmaster. #1: Who. #2: The man who leads the troop. #1: Who. #2: The guy that signs off in your book... #1: Who is the Scoutmaster! #2: I'm asking you who's the Scoutmaster. #1: That's the man's name. #2: That's who's name? #1: Yes. #2: Well, go ahead and tell me. #1: That's it. #2: That's who? #1: Yes. #2: Look, you have a Scoutmaster? #1: Certainly. #2: Who is it? #1: That's right. #2: When you get your Blue Card signed, who signs it? #1: Every time. #2: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name that's the Scoutmaster. #1: Who. #2: The guy that signs... #1: That's it. #2: Who signs the Blue... #1: He does, every one. Sometimes his assistant signs it. #2: Who's assistant? #1: Yes. #1: What's wrong with that? #2: Look, all I wanna know is, when the Scoutmaster signs your Blue Card, how does he sign his name? #1: Who. #2: The guy. #1: Who. #2: How does he sign... #1: That's how he signs it. #2: Who? #1: Yes. #2: All I'm trying to find out is what's the name of the Scoutmaster. #1: No. What is the Senior Patrol Leader. #2: I'm not asking you who's the Senior Patrol Leader. #1: Who's the Scoutmaster. #2: One leader at a time! #1: Well, don't change the leaders around. #2: I'm not changing anybody! #1: Take it easy, buddy. #2: I'm only asking you, who's the guy that's the Scoutmaster? #1: That's right. #2: Ok. #1: All right. #2: What's the guy's name right there? (pointing to the SM) #1: No. What is the Senior Patrol Leader. #2: I'm not asking you who's SPL. #1: Who's the Scoutmaster. #2: I don't know. #1: He's Advancement Chairman. We're not talking about him. #2: Now, how did I get to the Advancement Chair? #1: Why, you mentioned his name. #2: If I mentioned the Advancement Chairman's name, who did I say it was? #1: No. Who's the Scoutmaster. #2: What's the Scoutmaster? #1: What's the SPL. #2: I don't know. #1: He's the Advancement Chair. #2: There I go, back to the Advancement Chairman again! #2: Would you just stay with the Advancement Chairman and don't go off of him. #1: All right. What do you want to know? #2: Now, who's the Advancement Chairman? #1: Why do you insist on putting Who as the Advancement Chair? #2: What am I putting as Advancement Chair? #1: No. What is the SPL. #2: You don't know who's the SPL? #1: Who is the Scoutmaster. #2: I don't know. Together: Advancement Chair! #2: Look, you have other leaders? #1: Sure. #2: The Quartermaster's name? #1: Why. #2: I just thought I'd ask you. #1: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya. #2: Then tell me who's the Quartermaster. #1: Who's the Scoutmaster. #2: I'm not...stay out of the Adult Leaders!!! I want to know what's the guy's name of the Quartermaster? #1: No, What is the SPL. #2: I'm not asking you who's SPL. #1: Who's the Scoutmaster! #2: I don't know. Together: Advancement Chair! #2: The Quartermaster's name? #1: Why. #2: Because! #1: Oh, he's Crew Chief. #2: Look, you got a Scribe in this troop? #1: Sure. #2: The Scribe's name? #1: Tomorrow. #2: You don't want to tell me today? #1: I'm telling you now. #2: Then go ahead. #1: Tomorrow! #2: What time? #1: What time what? #2: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's the Scribe? #1: Now listen. Who is not the Scribe. #2: I'll break your arm if you say who's the Scoutmaster!!! I want to know what's the Scribe's name? #1: What's the SPL. #2: I don't know. Together: Advancement Chair! #2: You got an Assistant Senior Patrol Leader? #1: Certainly. #2: The ASPL's name? #1: Today. #2: Today. And tomorrow's the Scribe. #1: Now you've got it. #2: All we got is a couple of days in this troop. #2: You know I'm Star too. #1: So they tell me. #2: I need some merit badges for Life. I get a Blue Card and a councilor's name from I Don't Know. Being a good Scout, I'm gonna get the Scoutmaster's signature. So I pick up the blue card and bring it to who? #1: Now that's the first thing you've said right all night. #2: I don't even know what I'm talking about! #1: That's all you have to do. #2: Is to bring the Blue Card to the Scoutmaster? #1: Yes! #2: Now who's got it? #1: Naturally. #2: Look, if I bring the Blue Card to the Scoutmaster, somebody's gotta have it. Now, who has it? #1: Naturally. #2: Who? #1: Naturally. #2: Naturally? #1: Naturally. #2: So I pick up the Blue Card and bring it to Naturally. #1: No, you don't. You pick up the Blue Card and bring it to Who. #2: Naturally. #1: That's different. #2: That's what I said. #1: You're not saying it... #2: I bring the Blue Card to Naturally. #1: You bring it to Who. #2: Naturally. #1: That's it. #2: That's what I said! #1: You ask me. #2: I bring the Blue Card to who? #1: Naturally. #2: Now you ask me. #1: You bring the Blue Card to Who? #2: Naturally. #1: That's it. #2: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I bring the Blue Card to who. Who picks up the card signs it and gives it to What. What gives it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know signs it and gives it back to Who. Signed Blue Card! Another guy brings his Blue Card to Because. Why? I don't know! He's the Advancement Chair, and I don't give a darn! #1: What? #2: I said I don't give a darn! #1: Oh, that's our Committee Chairman.

Why Are You Late?
Intended for:	Scouts BSA, Webelos Scouts
Required:	5 scouts
Script:	The setting is an office where the boss is grumpily waiting for the workers to arrive. (first worker comes onstage) Boss: Why are you late? Worker #1: Sorry, Boss. My car broke down, so I took the bus. But the bus driver had a wreck, so I hailed a cab. But it broke down, too. Luckily, I was near a stable so I borrowed a horse. But it ran so fast it had a heart attack and collapsed. I had to jog the rest of the way! (Workers 2 & 3 come in late with exactly the same excuse, word for word. The boss becomes more frustrated each time, until #4 finally comes in.) Boss: Why are you late? No, wait. Let me guess. Your car broke down, so you took the bus. But the bus had a wreck, so you took a cab. And it broke down too. You were near a stable so you borrowed a horse, but it ran so fast it had a heart attack and collapsed, so you had to jog the rest of the way, right? Worker #4: No, Boss, you got it all wrong! The streets were so crowded with broken down cars, buses and cabs, dead horses, and crazy joggers that I couldn't get through!

World Record Spitter
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	3 scouts water bucket with small amount of water
Preparation:	Scout #3 is planted out in the audience.
Script:	Scout #1: Hey! I'm the best darn spitter in the whole world. Why, once I knocked a fly off a branch in the top of an oak trip with one spit! I even put out a match a hundred feet away! Scout #2: No way! No one can spit like that! Scout #1: Oh yeah? Here, I'll prove it. You stand over there and hold out your hand and I'll hit it. Scout #2: No way! I don't want your spit all over my hand! Scout #1: OK. Here, use this old bucket to catch my spit then. (#2 takes the bucket and moves away from #1) Scout #2: OK. Go ahead. Scout #1: (winds up and pretends to spit at the bucket) Patui! Scout #2: (tap the bottom of the bucket to make a thump like it caught the spit) Wow! You did it! Can you spit further? Scout #1: Sure, no problem. Back up. Scout #2: (both step further apart) OK. Go ahead. Scout #1: (winds up and pretends to spit at the bucket) Patui! Scout #2: (tap the bottom of the bucket to make a thump like it caught the spit) Wow! You did it! How far can you spit? Scout #1: Heck, I can spit all the way around the world if I wanted to. Scout #2: No way! Prove it! Scout #1: OK. (really winds up and pretends to spit - a powerful one) Scout #2: (duck out of the way as the spit flies past) Scout #1: (looks behind him and ducks as the spit flies by) Scout #2: (tap the bottom of the bucket to make a thump like it caught the spit) Wow! You did it! That's amazing! Scout #3: Baloney! He didn't really spit around the world and into that bucket! Scout #1: Oh yeah? Go ahead and show him. Scout #2: (take the bucket and toss the water out over the audience)

Worst Breath
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	1 good-humored victim. 4 or more scouts a blanket or jacket to cover one scout's head One scout is the dragon with horrid breath and is under a blanket. Another scout is the circus caller getting brave people to pay money to take a look at the dragon. The rest are customers planted in the audience.
Script:	Scout #1: I'm looking for some very brave souls to face my hideous dragon. No one has ever survived an encounter with this dragon. Who will be a volunteer? (a plant is chosen to come forward) Scout #1: Yes, sir, you appear to be quite brave. All you need to do is peek under the blanket and say "Hello" to my dragon. (volunteer lifts the edge of the blanket and says Hello. When the dragon replies, "Hellooooo" with a long breath, the volunteer makes ghastly coughing noises, stumbles to the side out of the way, and collapses. Scout #1: How about another volunteer? (he continues taking his 2 or 3 plants and then finally calls on the victim) When the victim lifts the blanket and says Hello, the dragon coughs and collapses. This is a knock-off of Ugliest Man in the World skit.

Worst Criminal
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	4 to 8 scouts
Notes:	All the criminals should act as tough as they can. The worst criminal should be kind of sitting quietly in the corner away from the others.
Script:	(jailer leads new criminal to a cell, opens door, and pushes him in with the rest of the criminals. Jailer walks offstage.) Scout #1: (shaking bars to cell) But, I'm innocent, I tell you! (all the other criminals laugh at him) Scout #2: Yeah, sure, we're ALL innocent. What did they say you did? Scout #1: Robbed a bank. Scout #2: Aw, I stole a Dodge Viper. (everyone looks at Scout #3 expectantly) Scout #3: Heck, I hijacked a city bus and drove it all the way to California. (everyone looks at #4 expectantly) Scout #4: That's nothing, I shot a guy - in the back. (everyone looks at next one. Repeat for each scout until you get to the last one. Everyone is looking at him, but he doesn't say anything. Finally, ...) Scout #1: Hey, what did you do? Worst Criminal: (slowly looking around at each one. Say in a mean, tough voice.) You know those little tags on mattresses that you aren't supposed to remove? Well, I cut the one off my mattress! (The rest of the criminals run to the bars, start shaking them, and screaming in fear) All: Help! Get us out of here!!!

Scout Soap
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	1 scout shirt neckerchief socks
Script:	Scout #1: Scout Soap is the greatest! It can clean anything as good as new and twice as fresh. Here we have the clothes our leader wore on our last hike. Let's see how well it works. Scout #1: Here's his shirt. (pretends to wash it in a tub) Scrub, scrub, scrub, wring, wring, wring, shake, shake, shake. Scout #1: (holds shirt up and looks at it.) Looks fresh! (rubs shirt) Feels fresh! (smells shirt) Smells fresh! Scout #1: Here's his neckerchief. (pretends to wash it in a tub) Scrub, scrub, scrub, wring, wring, wring, shake, shake, shake. Scout #1: (holds neckerchief up and looks at it.) Looks fresh! (rubs neckerchief) Feels fresh! (smells neckerchief) Smells fresh! Scout #1: Here's his socks. (pretends to wash them in a tub) Scrub, scrub, scrub, wring, wring, wring, shake, shake, shake. Scout #1: (holds socks up and looks at them.) Looks fresh! (rubs socks) Feels fresh! (smells socks and keels over dead.)

Yaputcha
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	5 or more scouts
Script:	Indian Chief is sitting center stage. Each brave approaches the chief in turn... Brave: Chief Lightfoot, is it time for Yaputcha? Chief: (looks at sun, drops some dirt to check wind, sniffs the air, ... whatever you can think of.) No, the time is not right. The braves sit in a circle which includes the chief. Finally, when the last brave asks, the Chief checks things out and replies. Chief: Yes, it is now time for Yaputcha! Everyone cheers, stands up, and begins the hokey-pokey - "Yaputcha right foot in, Yaputcha right foot out, Yaputcha right foot in and shake it all about..."

You Don't Say
Intended for:	All Scouts
Required:	2 scouts
Script:	(Scout #1 pretends to have his cellphone ring and answers it.) Scout #1: Hello? Scout #1: You don't say. Scout #1: You don't say! Scout #1: You don't say? Scout #1: You don't say! (Hangs up) Scout #2:What was that about? Scout #1: I don't know, he didn't say.

Zambolo - Foot Fortune Teller
Intended for:	Scouts BSA
Required:	2 scouts, 3 volunteers a chair
Notes:	This is a prank skit, which may cause hard feelings, so care should be used in choosing volunteers.
Script:	One scout is the fortune teller and the other is his assistant. They both stand center stage. Zambolo: I am the great Zambolo and I can tell the future. Many people can read palms, but I am the only one that can read soles - I read people's feet. I need a volunteer, please. (volunteer is asked to sit in chair) (Zambolo takes off shoe and hands it to assistant to hold) (Zambolo examines the foot closely.) Zambolo: I see you will have a long and healthy life. (assistant returns shoe and another volunteer is requested as the first puts on his shoe and leaves) (Repeat foot examination with 2nd volunteer) Zambolo: It says you will earn great riches and marry a wonderful wife and have perfect children. (assistant returns shoe and another volunteer is requested as the previous puts on his shoe and leaves) (Repeat foot examination with 3rd volunteer) Zambolo: Oh, this is good. I predict you will be taking a long trip very soon. Assistant holds out shoe, but instead of giving it back, he turns and throws it as far as he can.