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| Lyrics: | Oh, you can't get to Heaven in an old Ford car 'Cause an old Ford car won't get that far Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a ping pong ball 'Cause a ping pong ball is much too small Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a limousine 'Cause the Lord ain't got no gasoline Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Sabre Jet 'Cause the Lord ain't got no runways yet Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Girl Scout's arms 'Cause the Lord don't fall for those feminine charms Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a rocking chair 'Cause the Lord don't want no lazybones there Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a wicker chair 'Cause the Lord don't want no baskets there Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a biscuit tin 'Cause a biscuit tin's got biscuits in Oh, you can't get to Heaven in an apple tree 'Cause an apple tree's got roots you see Oh, you can't get to Heaven on roller skates You'd roll right by them Pearly Gates You'll never get to heaven in your girlfriend's bra 'Cause your girlfriend's bra can't stretch that far Oh, you can't get to Heaven on a Honda bike 'Cause you'll get halfway, then you'll have to hike Oh, you can't get to Heaven in our row boat 'Cause our row boat won't even float. Oh, you can't get to Heaven in dirty jeans 'Cause heaven's got no washing machines. Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a Kleenex box 'Cause God don't like no dirty snots. Oh, you can't get to Heaven on a pair of skis You'll shuss right through St. Peter's knees. Oh, you can't get to Heaven in our Leader's pants 'Cause his pants are full of ants Oh, you can't get to Heaven on water skis 'Cause the angels don't like hairy knees Oh, you can't get to Heaven with powder and paint 'Cause it makes you look like what you ain't Oh, you can't get to Heaven in a strapless gown 'Cause that gown thing might fall right down Oh I want to go to heaven, and I want to do it right So I'll go up to heaven all dressed in white Oh one fine day, and it won't be long You'll look for me, and I'll be gone And if you get to heaven before I do Just drill a hole and pull me through But if I get to heaven before you do I'll drill a hole and spit on you Well if I get to heaven, before you do I'll plug that hole, with shavings and glue That's all there is, there is no more St. Peter said, as he shut the door Oh there's one more thing I forgot to tell If you don't go to heaven, you'll go to...bed And that's the end, St. Peter said As he closed the gates, And went to bed. |
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